My Story

When I was in 7th grade, my parents told me that they were having marital issues. When I heard this I didn't know what to think. I never thought that my parents ever had anything weird happen in their relationship and I couldn't figure out what could break their 27 year marriage. I spoke to my friend about this issue at school, but since I was so young I couldn't really have an informed conversation, and I was not able to put the clues together.

I had never heard my parents argue like they had after this. I would just be sitting trying to watch TV when my mom would start freaking out at my dad and telling him that he has driven her insane. I remember in one instance she asked him if he wanted her to slit her wrists, and I just left in tears and couldn't deal with their constant arguing. I couldn't stand it. That February was when the truth started to unfold. 

It was a normal day and I was just doing a project in my room. I needed to grab something from my moms office so naturally I went to look for it. As I was about to leave her office I saw a sheet of paper on top of her keyboard. The heading was "Dealing with a spouse coming out of the closet." At first I didn't know what that meant since I was never exposed to homosexuality first hand. The first person I told about this was my babysitter, who told me that it could just be a case that my mom was working on. I wasn't convinced so that night I asked my mom whether she was working on a case at work and she said no. This sent me into a panic. I couldn't process what was going on. I didn't tell anyone and emotionally I fell apart. Although nobody could tell yet my depression had begun.

Only a few days after finding the article, my parents sat us down in the living room. My mom was on one side of me, my sister on the other, and my dad was sitting in another armchair. My mom was bawling and I thought I knew what I was going to find out. As my dad started talking he said that he never meant to hurt anyone especially anyone in our family, it was complete bull. That's when I knew what he was going to say. After he went on for about 20 minutes about how he is an awful person for doing this to us he tells us, "girls, I'm gay." My heart completely dropped after hearing these words, I never had any problems with homosexuality but I never thought it would ever truly effect my life. He told us that he knew his entire life but he wanted it to go away, and that it wasn't excepted where he grew up in the south. I really didn't care. I could feel my heart pulling apart and I needed to get away, so I just listened without argument. He also told us him and my mother would be getting a divorce and he was going to move out. I knew it was for the best.

I didn't think my parents divorce would effect my life personally, but it did. I completely slipped away and became depressed. I can't stand my family or my life, and the only person who I can talk to is my best friend. It had been three years and I still haven't gotten over my depression, and I can't help but blame my parents for what they did to me at such a young age. My parents have tried therapy yet most of them either quit or sucked. I have been lost ever since my dad did that to my family. Yet he isn't the one I blame for most of the things I hate in life. No that would be my mother.

tsjj44 tsjj44
13-15, F
2 Responses Feb 6, 2010

Hi,<br />
Wow, I completely understand what you are going through. My parents also divorced when I was around 11 because my dad was gay, both my sister and I got depressed. And it is hard, to know that he lied and to know that your family will never be the same again. Like you I also blame my mother for many of the problems I have/had but also it is important to realize that it is also extremely hard on her. I mean she loved your father, probably gave everything to him and thought this was the man she would spend eternity with only to find out he has lied. I am only saying this because I recently realized exactly how tough it was on my mother, not that it excuses her actions but it helps to understand. Your father will also probably feel very guilty, possibly angry for hurting you and your family. He is also probably dealing with finally accepting himself for who he is. <br />
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I just want you to know that it does get better, so hang in there. These changes take time to adjust to. I say this from experience, I sorted things out with my dad 3 years later, and my mother is finally getting over the divorce and we are mending our relationship. <br />
<br />
Also, it is natural to be depressed. It sounds like you have an awesome friend, but it also helps to talk to someone who has been through the same situation. If you want to talk to someone who understands try talking to your sister. She has gone through some of what you have and may be having similar problems. Counselling may also be helpful, not for your parents but for you alone. <br />
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As I mentioned before, it may be important to you to understand why. If you need to ask your dad questions as to why don't be afraid to ask. <br />
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I really hope things get better for you soon.

i also have a gay dad and i can't imagine what it must be like to hide your true self away every single day for your whole life and deny yourself to be true to the people you love. I am very lucky that my dad was able to tell me and my brother in his own time; through it he lost some friends but also gained a lot of support from old friends and has made new friends.<br />
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My dad's coming out has been emotionally draining and tough- due to my dad's job we had to leave the area we lived in and out of respect to my mother a lot of they're former colleagues and associates don't know the true reason. But my relationship with my dad is so strong and i am so proud of him for what he's done. i also feel my mothers pain but i have learnt not to take on their problems and to support but not take on they're problems.<br />
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I understand the torture of what you're going though - unfortunately it is a really difficult situation and lots of people don't understand how delicate it is. and there have been times when i have felt like i had no home (litterally) and i have had to make material sacrifices. but i have been fortunate to surround myself with good friends and to realise that things can't get any worse. material things can always be found or bought again but relationships and the people we love the most make us who we are. <br />
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the only advise i can think of is to be strong for the people around you and to understand the points of view for the rest of your family. I know from my own situation that your mum must be feeling defeminizied, abandoned and angry at your father. and your father must be devastated and numb that he has to hurt you all in this way. i think anyone would be foolish if at any age they were to say that a family separation did not effect them. and it hurts for a while but honestly things can only get better.