Just A Niggling Thought That's Bugging Me

I've watched too much T.V., because this sudden concern I have -- it's laughable, really, and I know it! -- is straight out of the soaps.  This Saturday I'm going with my friend, Jade, to the Celebration of Lights fireworks finale at English Bay.  The show is a tribute to China, where Jade is from, and that's why she wants to go.  We also hope to meet up with another former class-mate of our's, Jhoana, and her husband.  Tonight, on a whim, I asked one of my flat-mates, Roman, who is one of my very few friends, if he would like to come, too.  He doesn't know if he will or not yet, but the invitation is open to him.

Now, everyone going, besides Jhoana and her husband, are just friends.  I feel madly in love with Jade during the course we took, but she only wants to be friends, which I have accepted.  Then, a little while after inviting Roman, I suddenly had a moment of panic:  what if he and Jade like one another and start something together?  I know it sounds crazy.  Of all the people in the world, it's very unlikely that they would hook up.  But stranger things have happened.  Isn't that how a lot of couples end up meeting in the first place, through mutual friends?  What if I'm ******* up here? 

This highlights two things.  One, I haven't completely let go of my feelings for Jade.  And second, I'm insecure and jealous.  Not insanely jealous, but I've been on the losing end of liking some girl who ends up liking someone else more than me before.  Thanks God I'm a level-headed person or I might lose it.  I've known about my insecurity for years and years.  I keep it under wraps most of the time, but now and then it gets out of its cage and gives me a good rattling.

This story is all about me, and my fear of not being able to control events around me.

This is how I have to be vulnerable, though.  As I said, it's extremely unlikely that Jade and Roman would see anything in each other.  If it does happen then I'm going to have to accept it, aren't I?  If I'm going to be open and accepting of my friends and their choices, and the fact that most of what happens in the world is beyond my control, I have to take risks.  I shouldn't even define this as a risk.  It's an opportunity for us all to go and have a good time together.  It's always nice to go to special events with other people.  Part of me wonders, too, if Jade wouldn't appreciate a bit of a buffer between her and I.  I have been a bit intense around her, after all, but I don't want to suffocate her either. 

This is all just me being foolish, and I know it.  If I didn't allow myself to take risks at having fun with all of my friends, I may as well just stay home and barricade the door.
UnderEli UnderEli
46-50, M
5 Responses Jul 30, 2010

Thanks for your concern, everyone. I appreciate your reminders that this is a normal, human experience. When I first went through this I really needed to out myself about it for fear it would eat me up inside. If I wasn't in control this story would be a lot different, I think. I accept the situation that's coming up. I welcome it, in fact. I also need to be honest about my concerns, however irrational they may be. Writing about it here is a safe, proactive step, instead of keeping it to myself.

Haha. You must have read some of my recent stories and blogs, June. I've been working on letting go for at least one month now. The feelings I have aren't nearly as intense as they were at first, but there's a part of me that's scared of letting go of them completely. Thank-you for your perspective.

I think I can relate.<br />
<br />
True, your feelings for Jade are still very, very strong and to have this kind of paranoia is perfectly normal. At least, I have had such insecurity - which I knew was completely uncalled for, LOL.

Thanks for your reply, Lily. I'll be the first one who is surprised if anything dramatic happens, besides the fireworks display, that is. I'll send you a message and let you know.

Thanks for your feedback, Lily. Yeah, I don't know why this situation made me feel so uncomfortable all of a sudden. As I said in the story, it's like my own insecurities are playing tricks on me and leaving me feeling helpless against what I don't have control over. I should just let go and have faith that everything will be okay for me.