I Can't Control My AngerTonight I came to the realization that I can no longer control my anger. I got so angry with my son not eating his dinner that I roughed him up and he fell and got a bump on his forehead. I stepped back and realized that it has to stop. I need to learn how to control my anger and I'm in total tears because I don't know how to do it.
Memories of growing up, surpressed memories came flooding back and I lay beside my son tonight and he reached out and took my hand as he fell asleep. Memories of me crying myself to sleep with no one's hand to grab. I grew up with verbal, mental and physical abuse. My father was an alcoholic. My mother an vicious abusive control freak who used to beat me with her hand if I peed my pants then switched to a thin whip like belt because I didn't want her to cut my hair. I remember getting smacked across the face, the arms, the legs, the bum, the head. I had my hair pulled. I was kicked. I was beaten. I was blamed for things that were not my fault but my brothers. I was told I was fat and ugly. That I was a tramp at 9 years old. I was a ***** at 12 years old. I was good for nothing. I would never amount to anything. That my only purpose in life was to be a secretary. That I do not know my place. That I am too impulsive. That I do not know anything. That I am stupid, ignorant, a child, bad with money, messy, never learn, can't hold a job. I never brought my friends over because my mother always started fights in front of them over stupid things so I grew up scared of having anyone over. I was never allowed to use the telephone or talk or talk back or speak my mind.
I have a father who used to tell all my relatives that he had a "boy and a brat" and while he thought it was funny, everyone thought the worst of me. I have a mother who for the 20 years has deliberately osterizied me from her side of the family because I am female and she doesn't like me around as I'm a disgrace to her. I had a child at age 33 out of wedlock and instead of being joyful that she was going to be a grandmother, she called me a hooker who couldn't keep her legs shut. I was raped so it must have been my fault.
Why did I keep my son. Truth. I wanted someone to love me. No one ever has. I wanted someone to love. I wanted someone I could hold and cuddle and love me as I was never loved and here I am tossing my child around because I am under so much stress being a single mom and unhappy with myself because I am fat, unemployed, unable to keep a clean house, frustrated because I do not have any friends who call me or invited to any family events. No one is close to me anymore as my best friend died from cancer back in February 2010. I feel alone, frustrated, hurt, upset, ignored.
The only time I ever felt happy was when I shut everyone out. I went to the gym and for 2 years I focused solely on me and no one else. I got into the best shape of my life and I was incredibly happy. I can't do that. I can't shut everyone out now that I have a son but I also do not want anything to do with my family and there are so many people who call themselves my friends who are just toxic to me.
Growing up, I always had a counsellor to speak with. I am not sure who I can talk to now. I have meds for ADHD and depression. I think it is time for me to stick to them. I need to see what options I have to deal with my anger. Maybe I should just focus on me at the moment and forget everyone else. If someone really wants to know what I am up to, they will call right. I miss my best friend Raffy. In a way, I think he got the best end of the stick. His life was short but the pain didn't last long.