Depression!

Why is love so hard to find? Why does every woman turn on me the instant I ask them out? Am I just destined to be alone? Why do I feel so wrong when I do finally get a date? Is it because I have known I am a girl at heart since I was a small child? Is this why my ex left me and our daughter, because she could not be with another woman?

If I transition to be the woman I know I am, will I find the love of another person waiting for me? Will I finally be happy with who and what I am? Or am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? Why is life so hard for me? Would anyone truly miss me if I was not around except for my daughter? Can anyone be truly happy without love in their life?

I know I am heterosexual in my male body; I can’t bring myself to have sex with a man while I am a man. However I can’t see myself having sex with a woman as a woman. So with the mind and heart of a woman and the body of a man does that make me homosexual by going to bed with a woman? If I wake my body female and go to bed with a man am I heterosexual or homosexual?

How can I go on if no one can love me for me? How will my daughter feel about me once I finish becoming the woman I know I am? How will my homophobic father feel about when he finally learns the truth about his only son? What will happen to me if I cannot finish my transition from male to female? Will people accept me as a she-male or will I be rejected altogether?

If my life was to end today would anyone truly care and what would they care about? Would my daughter be better off without me in her life since I only get to see her once a week because my job keeps me away from her? Would my sister morn my loss even though she has rejected me for what I am or would she be relieved I can no longer corrupt her children as she puts it?

I want to know the joy of getting pregnant. The joy of having a new life grow within me. And the joy of bringing that life into the world through child birth. But alas I will never know such joy. I was born male and after 35 years as such my body is irreversibly male in every way. Had I been able to start HRT when I was 10-12 years old I might be able to get a special surgery to let me know the joy of child birth. The bones of the male are shaped wrong and the Organs are in the wrong place and some are even to big. The male brain is even so different that it will not allow for the development of a new life in the body.

The closest I will ever come to knowing the joy I seek is through the stories of others. If anyone is willing to share.
Rose35 Rose35
36-40, T
2 Responses Dec 16, 2012

U need to get out in public and let them know u like dressing as a girl more. Go to women's stores and let them know by trying on clothes. Go to lesbian bars and let them also know by dressing like them. U could wear skinny jeans and a nice top at a bar and still pick up chicks.
The more people know the real u the easier it is to be a girl.

Just because people sees one as male or female does not mean they are what people sees.

I will be full time 3 years later this month and can not be happier about it. I have learned so much about myself by letting the real me out. I am a pansexual who likes trans men the most, mostly because they seem to have the best understanding.

You poor thing. Your story is sad, but as a woman maybe you can recover some of the lost energy that your missing. Since I've been going to the local "gay" bar men have come up to me introducing themselves and trying to be nice? At first I was unaware of what was going on; men approaching ME? Like what for? Then I realized they where attracted to me! It's my own fault; lip stick, eye liner, earrings, bracelets. Then I realized that "they" expect me to respond like a girl! So there's always the unexpected. As long as your still breathing you have the chance to be loved by someone you "just" met! Good luck girl!