I'm In An Open Adoption !

My childern's Father committed suicide when my 1st  son  was 10 months and I was 4 months pregnant wih our 2nd. I tried  to take care of both of my boys, I wasn't right in my mind ; as you could imagine. I gave my son up for adoption when he was 3 months old.  At the time I did the right thing ; I know I did.  I agreed to an open adoption.  I was able to pick the family .They seemed like the perfect family. I wanted to give him things I knew I couldn't . I found  a family that had a 4 yr.old  boy that they had adopted as an infant. I even read a letter from the first son birthmother saying what a wonderful family they were. Seemed like a dream come true, To have someone who would allow us to be in their lives. They were very well to do.  They allowed us ( his brother and I ) to be at family functions such as Christmas , Thanksgiving etc....   I hadn't lost a son ,we gained an extended family.

  Everything went well until the Father was killed in a car wreck , when my son had just turned 4.  The Mother had alot of problems which I understood all to well. The things is, it's been almost 10 yrs. and she is still F***ed up mentally. And, She really has screwed both of her boys up . I now realize that she always had been Bi-polar which the Father was always there to hide it and once he was gone ; She had no one to mask it . I got married when my son was 6 yrs.old. And, she has numerous times asked us to if we could take him. We agreed but, I wanted it to be legal , because I  don't think it would be fair to everyone involved especially the boys; to live with us and then have her change her mind over and over. She didn't like that idea. I have cried numerous times . I feel so guilty that I  gave my baby up, And screwed his life up. I have always told him I love him and would always be there for him. I have shared his birth pictures and poems I had wrote while I was pregnant, or when I would get sad and would journal my feelings. He has asked me if I loved his older brother more than him and why didn't I adopt him out too.  My oldest son has always cried about missing his brother. Something I thought was good, has been a nightmere.

 Sometimes, I wish I didn't have an open adoption. What you don't know can't hurt you kind of thing. I love him so very much and have love for his Adopted Mom and brother. Life and the choices we make  can be bittersweet.

tigeress1970 tigeress1970
36-40, F
3 Responses Apr 5, 2007

I am a birth mom. I have never seen a story as similar to mine. Our open adoption was perfect. Pictures, weekly communication, family get togethers...my daughter's mother was my best friend. When my daughter was 2, the adoptive mother passed away. The family quickly moved across the country, pictures went down to twice a year and visitation is only when I invite myself there to travel across the country to see them for a couple of days...a couple of hours. I've slowly realized that the adoptive mother was the only one holding everything together. I slowly lost my mind putting in all the effort, trying to pretend I was ok. Several years ago, the adoptive father was remarried. I'm so happy for him and my baby girl, I truly am! But she isn't nice to me. Doesn't return emails, has said rude, inappropriate competitive type things to me in front of my daughter. They stopped sending me pictures for two years. I finally said something which went horribly but they are making a little bit more of an effort which is good. I still rarely receive pictures (once a year), i haven't seen them in three years, and the new mom still won't have anything to do with me. I understand how being ok with your decision is a daily struggle. I am like you, so very angry at everyone who abandoned me when i was pregnant. How come no one offered to help me?! And where has the adoption agency been in all this? What have they done to help me? :'( By the grace of God, I have made amends with my family and I have almost completely forgiven everyone, but some days are harder than others. Im so sorry to hear of your pain. :(

You have a good heart and a wise soul. No one knows if the things they do will end up well or badly. All we can do is make the best decision we can ba<x>sed on the facts as we know them. As a Christian, I believe that even our mistakes will turn out for the best if we ask Jesus to bless the situation. I ask Jesus to bless you and all of your sons. God loves you very much.

I have two friends in the same situation. the difference is that I know about the children and they don't. I see their children on regular basis due to who they adopted their children out to. They do occasionally ask about the kids but they do have problems not knowing. It's hard on the other side because the adoptive parents have not told the girls the truth so it is hard to keep such a secret from the kids. Hold on, one day they will understand.