My Dearest, Audri.

when i was a senior in highschool, i fell in-love. i never in a million years thought it would happen, i have an attitude, i tell it like it is, i'm sarcastic, rude, but i found him. he was perfect, he was just like me. the first time we found out i was pregnant, we had no idea what we were going to do, or how to do it! it didn't matter. i was going to graduate, we were going to move to north carolina, he was going to start working construction with his dad, i was going to go to school. between 4-5 months, i was taken to the er, and they pronounced i was having a mis-carriage. seeing as we were young, none of our friends understood the pain we had for losing our little boy, we only had eachother but thats all we needed. we grew stronger, closer, and closer until it was too close. we saw eachother everyday, same time, did the same things, went to bed at the same time, causing us to start having little arguments. i blamed it on spending too much time together. my 19th birthday arrived. i bought myself a tattoo in honor of my dad, took my best friend and her boyfriend to my boyfriends to go out to dinner and a movie. after the movie he said he was tired and to just go home. a week later we broke up. two days after that he was telling a different girl he loved her. my heart was completely shattered into millions of pieces. a month later i went christmas shopping with my brother. on our way home, i got in a car accident. nobody was hurt, but my car, and the man who had hit me's truck were completely totaled. a month after that, i had gotten notice from my dad saying he was moving, and it was time for me to get my own place. another month, and i was shopping in a different town, dropped my debit card somewhere without noticing, and got all the money i had saved for rent and a car stolen off that card, and never replaced. a month after that, one of my best friends from highschool passed away in a crazy bad car accident (no drugs or alcohol were found and anybodys systems) 4 days before his birthday. now, mind you i worked atleast 50 hours a week at a restaurant where i busted my *** for an ******* of a boss that crossed out hours on my time cards, and then would throw the time cards away. cute, right?! two months after my friend died, it was fathers day, one of the busiest days we had at the restaurant. i woke up that morning barely able to move, but went to work anyways. one of the waiters and a delivery boy made me go to the hospital, without my boss knowing, because the pain got so excruciating.. when i got to the er, the female doctor asked me my pains. i told her, she told me i was pregnant. i was having a baby. i was almost 3 months early, she said. i was unhealthy and very underweight for how pregnant i was, which explains why nobody noticed. i never got asked when i was due, never had someone tell me i looked like i was gaining weight, nothing. i had a beautiful, very tiny, little girl on fathers day 2010. (june, 20th) i knew right away i couldn't give her everything she deserved, the major thing being a father. i had to stsy a couple days in the hospital, as did she. the doctors were stunned at how healthy and perfect she was. i was in worse condition then her, i couldn't eat, i could only stare at her. i knew what i had to do. i met with a social worker in the hospital, she gave me huge books filled with couples. i went through all the couples, but could not stop going back to one of them, so i set up a time to meet with them when i got out of the hospital, and little Audriana Nicole went to a bridge care home (where she had the most amazing couple take care of her!) the last day in the hospital was one of the hardest days i've ever had in my life. this beautiful little replica of me would not let me put her down. she needed to hear my heart beat to fall asleep, and she would just start screaming once i would put her down. i wanted to die. my heart has never hurt more then that day, even when her father left me, this was far worse. i had an amazing nurse who just started, and she became a nurse to help some girl like me, because she was me at one point. my dad came and helped as much as possible, i had the support of my friends, the parents i picked out for her were perfect, but seeing those beautiful hands reach for your finger, or your face, made everything impossible. but i did it. i went through with it, it's an open adoption, but it still hurts like hell every day. her new parents love me, and i love them as well, but theres still that hole. her father still wants absolutely nothing to do with her, but theres nothing i can do about him. he is still with the other girl, and they just recently had a baby together. i, on the other hand, have been single since, and don't want any other children. if i wasn't ready for Audri, i will never be ready. she's still perfect, ridiculously smart, and still a tiny little thing, just like her me. i have never loved anybody or anything as much as i loved that little girl the first time i saw her and since. i have bettered my life for her (and, of course me.) and try to keep a positive attitude everyday. no matter what, i miss her more then i've ever missed anybody in my life. i can only hope that she will understand my decision, and love me in the future as much as i love her. her birthday is next month. She will be two, for those of you who can't count! (haha jk)
not a day goes by that i don't think about her.
noodle2010 noodle2010
18-21, F
May 23, 2012