I Gave My Baby Boy Up For Adoption.

Just a week and a day ago february 16, 2009, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Without a single person knowing a was even pregnant I went through the pregnancy all alone. Not knowing there was support I could get for being a soon-to-be  struggling single 19 year old mother I considered adoption. At 4:30 in the morning of my baby's birth i started having contractions. around 11:30 i drove myself 45 minutes to the nearest hospital soonto find out i was 9cm dialated and ready to have the baby with no epidural not even the slightest bit of pain medication by 2:09 pm my precious 8pound and 8 ounce baby biy was here..

I didn't get to see him the first two days. I only stayed in the hospital one night. Even though I was in pain I went back to work the next day trying to keep my mind off everything happening. The Second day in the hospital Adoption Circle came to discuss the arrangements. I didnt realize this was going to be the hardest decision of my life.  My case worker was extremely supportive and nice whiched helped a lot. I came back to the hospital on the third day to hold my baby and to see himm for the first time. I held him for hours and just cried and cried. I kissed him and asked him to forgive me and that i loved him so much. Seeing him and how much he looks likes me, we share somany of the same features was so hard. When i had to sign the permanent surrender was absolutely the hardest thing and worst pain ive ever experienced.

I am still in very much pain I cry ever day. I just stare at his pictures and footprints. I don't regret the desicion i made because i know that he was placed in a wonderful family that can provide him everything a couldn't as a single parent. And that they love him as much as i do. It's just so hard for me right now. All i want to do is hold him again and kiss him to tell him that I love him. I wish things could have been different for My baby and I, but i know that it was the right decision he doesn't deserve to struggle. Another hard part is being alone and with no one knowing it's hard to pretend everything is okay, when it's not at all. I'm grieving, and i just miss my son terribly.

I do not want another child. Gavin Tyler will be in my heart forever. He is my whole heart. I hope that i can heal. i understand everything is recent and that it takes time, but I'm really having a hard time and its just taking a toll emotionally. I know in my mind it was right but myheart is a complete different story.

021609gtf 021609gtf
18-21, F
4 Responses Feb 24, 2009

I cry when I read your story.

The best thing you can do, if you can, is to keep in touch with the adoptive parents.<br><br />
I was adopted at age 6 months (51 now) and know nothing about the medical history of my birth parents. Or them as people either.<br><br />
Another adopted EP member and myself just had this discussion last week and have a lot of similar "what if" questions that are unanswered.

i am so sorry..i am in the same situation..im 19 5 1/2 monthes preg.and just told my sister because im showing and i could not hide it..the father does not care at all.and im considering adoption alot but im scared my family will be upset..im scared of feeling like you do everyday..but thats how i feel rite now becasue i can not give this baby what it needs..i cant even take care of myself..hope everything gets better and i am praying for you..

omg girl how r u coping all alone<br />
u av 2 find sumone 2 share this with r u go crazy if u ever want 2 talk let me know im gud listener <br />
take care n mind urself