I Gave My Baby Up For Adoption Over a Year Ago

O n April 1, 2007 I found out that I was almost 2 months pregnant. I was so scared. It was my first pregnancy. I felt really alone. I had a bad childhood and I was so scared to bring a child into this world. I didn't want to have an abortion because I was scared and I didn't think it was right. I had only told a few people that I was pregnant. The father knew. I had dated him for almost a year on and off. I had just broken up with him less than a month before I found out I was pregnant. He was incredibly supportive. He wanted me to do what I thought was best. I never told anyone in my family that I was pregnant. Only a very few friends. On October 31, 2007 I contacted an adoption agency that I found on line. I met with 2 of the counselors and we discussed how the adoption process went. I hadn't gone to any doctors before this. I was so scared. I somewhat lived in denial. I know it was pretty stupid but I felt that maybe if I ignored everything... just maybe it would go away. Obviously that didn't happen. I went to the doctor for the first time a week later. They were kind of mad that I hadn't had any check ups at all yet. I made plans with the counselors of the adoption agency to look through books of families so I could choose one for the baby. The adoption agency supports open adoptions. I picked out a family based on the books. On November 20, 2007 at 12:00 am I went into the hospital so I would be induced for labor. The counselors came with me and stayed with me the whole time. I had my roomate and her mother there at the hospital. I still hadn't told my family about the pregnancy. I didn't live in the same town as my family and I avoided seeing them as much as I could so I wouldn't have to answer any questions. I had Emily on November 20, 2007 at 7:00 pm. She was only 5 pounds 9 ounces. She was such a tiny baby. I held her for a few minutes and just looked at this wonderful baby that I had somehow brought into this world. I met the adoptive parents that day before I had the baby. I had the opportunity to ask any questions that I wanted. They told me how excited they were to have a baby. They told me how thankful they were to recieve this gift. A few weeks later, I went to court to sign my rights away. That was one of the hardest days in my life. I had created a baby and brought her into this world. I had so much guilt in me. I knew what I had done was for the best, but it still doesn't take all of those bad feelings away. I have recieved pictures of Emily 3 times over the last year. It's amazing to look at those pictures and to see all the physical traits that she had from me and her father. She's such a healthy little girl. I still have those feelings of guilt at times. I'm in the process of making an album with her dad. It's going to consist of pictures and stories and letters to her to let her know that she's loved so much. The adoptive parents will tell her when the time is right that she's adopted. And one of these days.. when she becomes older.. she'll be able to write a letter to me. I just hope that she's happy and that when she finds out she was adopted.. that she won't hate me. I don't regret giving her up. I know that what I did was best for her. It just feels like I'm missing something. I wanted to join some kind of support group so that people who have been in the same situation... maybe we can help each other get through this. It's such a long hard process.. but I wouldn't change anything about it. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope if someone out there is thinking of giving their baby up for adoption... maybe this story will help you. I've been there... and I understand. Thank you.