And So the Story Goes

When I discovered I was pregnant: 3 months into my pregnancy, I wasn't sure what I was going to do! I had been raised in a strict religious home, and so abortion was out of the question.(except for that one minute of "it would be a quick fix") Having spent the first 5 yrs of my life in a foster home, and enduring unspeakable abuse and neglect, then being adopted by a single older woman, who only wanted someone to take care of her, I was sure that giving my child up for adoption was out of the question.  As my pregnancy progressed, and it became harder and harder to hide it, I struggled with how I was going to raise a child. I knew my adopted family would freak out when they discovered I was pregnant. I also knew that my childhood had sucked and that the relationships in my adopted family were unhealthy, to say the least.  I continually came back to the fact that I couldn't give my baby away, but didn't know how I was going to support us. I was a waitress and the birth father was a cook but neither of us had any post secondary education to gain employment that would ensure a healthy financial future. The birth father and I had broken up just before I had discovered I was pregnant so we were struggling with being friends for the sake of the pregnancy and I could see that co-parenting was not going to be an option.  When my adopted mother found out from a relative, who had given me the option to tell in 24 hrs or she would tell my mom, she had already before she had even talked to me.  I was told that I obviously wasn't responsible enough to save myself for marriage so I wasn't responsible enough to make the decision of what was best for me and my child. So I was shipped off to a cousins home in another country.  I came to realize that it was a better option, whether I realized it or was brain washed I am not sure but I can see that it was the best solution.

My son was born, in the early morning, of a bright May morning. He was a beautiful healthy 7 lb 8oz boy. I held him for a few minutes and then the nurse took him to the nursery. The next morning I walked down to the nursery to say good bye to him, as he was soon going to be going home with his adoptive family.  I prayed with hope that he would be loved and taken care of better than I was able to. I cried with a aching heart and aching arms, knowing I had done something I vowed I would never do: repeat history of my birth mother. 

As each year passed I struggled to come to terms with my actions, I agonized over my sons well being. I wasn't able to have a healthy relationship, because of my guilt and my low self esteem. My adopted family had forgotten about him and about my experience, immediately. I felt like I had very little support. I eventually left the religious organization that my believes were based on, felt that I could never be what they expected of me, because I was damaged goods now. I was in and out of counsel ling throughout the years and only found one counselor that could even begin to understand my loss. Not just the loss of my son but also the loss of myself and the the many childhood losses I had endured.

It took a number of years for me to understand that I am a worthwhile person and that I deserve to be loved and deserve to love. It wasn't until the last four years that I was able to learn to understand my anger and my inability to accept love.

About nine years ago, I received a call from the Social Services in my home province. They informed me that through my registering and my birth brothers registering they had matched us to the same mother.  I had no idea that I had any brothers. I had my foster care records, and I had a bit of a inkling that I might have an older sister, but no evidence that there had been any other siblings. As it turned out, my birth mother had given birth to 11 children, all of whom had either been surrendered at birth or like I; seized and placed in foster care. I have since met six siblings, of which I have consistent contact with two. We have so many similar characteristics, both physical and physiological, unfortunately one of the main genes that was passed on was my mothers addiction gene. We also are all affected by varying degrees of FA SD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder) and the traits that are associated with it.  It has been such a roller coaster getting to know my siblings, and accepting that my birth mother had died before I had a chance to met her. I don't know who my birth father is, and I am not in a place yet that I am ready to embark on that journey.

About three and a half years ago, I contacted my birth son. It was again a roller coaster.  He had a lot of anger towards me and his birth father.  We have kept in contact but we are definately not as close as I once hoped for, but we are able to have a conversation without our disappointment and hurt getting in the way.

The reason I felt compelled to share my story is because I wanted to let anyone who may be going through the adoption experience from  any side of it, know that they are not alone, that it is okay to grieve, that it is okay to be angry and it is even okay to still be suffering or barely coping years down the line. We all do what we have to, even if it isn't necessarily what we want to.  I know that it is a hard journey, from all angles. The hardest part has been learning to love myself.  I also had to accept  that, even though I wasn't wanted most of my life, I am not a horrible person, I wasn't a unmanagable teen, and I wasn't a unlovable child. My only hope is that  my son and my siblings know that I love them for who they are, and all the hurt and anger doesn't destroy the unconditional love I have for them.

thum thum
41-45, F
5 Responses Jun 23, 2009

This story made me tear up. I'm not the type to tear easily, but I can't believe everything you've posted here... So heart-wrenching with a pinch of heart-warming essence. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, I know "sorry" doesn't do anything, but I say it to express my intense remorse for what you had to go through... and how, because of the hatred and ignorance like that or religion or dogma, your worth was forgotten: Guilt guilt guilt. Grief grief grief. Depression. Being misunderstood, etc. Horrors that no one should have to go through --- especially a child or teenager. <br />
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I'm glad you've learned of your worth. Something that even modern people who appear more "blessed" have struggles with.<br />
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Thanks for sharing a fragment of your sacred life with us.

my experience is a bit similar...religious conservative family...i chose abortion, but it didnt go so well and i faced a near death experience and was rushed to the ER and so my family was informed.<br />
i think bcoz i had so many complications and 2 surgeries my family was very supportive and sympathetic and now ofcourse i wished i had told my mom...i hate myself for destroying my life and my health, (now i may never get pregnant again) for one stupid night...i hope God will forgive me.<br />
i totally sympathize with your low self esteem and inability to have a normal relationship.<br />
God bless you.

Your experiance seems very similar to mine.<br />
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I too was adopted out at birth and grew up not knowing who my real parents were.Then one day out of the blue a little over three years ago I found out that my birth father had been searching for me for the last four years.<br />
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That summer I went and stayed with him and his family for three weeks and got to know a half brother and half sister.I'm the spitting image of my father and my half brother.<br />
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Through my father I found out that both him and my birth mother who he hadn't seen in other 35 years had both also been adopted out at birth and that he had been able to trace his natural family when he was in his 30s and had gone on to form a great relationship with both his natural parents.His mother ( My Grandmother is still alive aged 83.I feel very lucky having a Grandmother at the age of 44.<br />
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I went on to track my birth mother down and was able to find her after a year of searching.At that time her husband was seriously ill with lung cancer and it wasn't till he was on his death bed that she first contacted me.<br />
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To my suprise she had also tracked down her real family ( Mothers side ) in her 30s and had also established a great relationship with her brothers and sisters.<br />
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My mother never had anymore children after she was forced to place me for adoption when she was only 17.<br />
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She is at the moment staying with me in Japan.We are so alike personality wise it's really quite freaky. I have no real relationship with my adoptive mother so all this has worked out really well for both of us.<br />
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I now feel comlete as a person knowing about my background and where I come from.<br />
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Good luck to you.

Thum, this is such a powerful story. <br />
I admire your strength and courage.<br />
You have broken the cycle of abuse and come to live a full life.<br />
What an inspiration you are.<br />
Thank you for sharing this with us.

YOU are very brave . .. the things that happened to you .. and you are still there and have hope and have life and strength thats really great.. and this story have many lessons for us all .. so we should think too while taking some serious kind of decisions which can affect our whole life.. <br />
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any way you deserve love and respect and all that the others enjoying and do not lose heart and trust yourself and love yourself .. hope every thing will be fine.. i know we who are reading your words cannot feel the same things as you are feeling them but we have these words.. with good intention for behind them that .. life is so unfair to all but still so good . so its your life .. be brave and face it , i know you will be more happy than now.. but next time whenever you take such decisions i mean become pregnant, child birth and adoption etc.. please take your time before finalizing any thing consult to some one your friends close one.. it will help you for future.. <br />
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God bless you always..<br />
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