I Gave Up On Those Nights.


All girls have their share of heartbearts. Some girls have hearts that break like wet tissue paper, some girls have iron-clad hearts. Some are just in between..

I had grown up in a family of divorces, infidelity, and money. Or, am growing up in, I should say. This experience I'm going to share to, to strangers, is when I was 15. It's a long story, but they all are pieces to the puzzle. Each piece is needed for the picture.

I wasn't a very pretty girl, to say it nicely, when I was younger. I was always the one DREAMING of guys and never getting them. As I grew into my teens, I "bloomed" so to speak. Yet the problem I had was that I would get attached far too quickly and far too easily, and I would get my heart broken every time.

I had 4 relationships by the time Calvin came along. Calvin is the boyfriend that bullied me with his cutting, harsh words and cold actions. He is the one to throw away the first, home made desert that I made for him. I was super in 'love' with him but I didn't realize that I was just envious of what I saw in him. I had the lowest self esteem of anyone I knew. I would be conscious about the way I sit, about the way my mouth was opened, about how I smiled, about whether or not I was sucking my stomach in, etc. Calvin was the opposite. He was lean, muscular, gregarious, team-leader, funny, outspoken, an older brother to everyone, and loved by everyone. He was everything I wanted to be, and I ignored all his flaws. He broke up with me and I spent 8 months shedding tears to get over it.

I didn't spend all of those 8 months in tears, however. During that Summer, in Beijing, I lost my virginity. It was to a European that I met in Beijing who treated me like the Princess herself. He was from Spain and he said he truly fell in love with me. I did not feel the slightest bit attached to him, and I was using him purely for selfish reasons. I have always thought that girls who lost their Virginity to the 'boyfriend that they love' are especially stupid, because they always end up crying over it a year or so later with a heart that's broken into so many pieces that it resembles dust. Therefor, I believe that since girls get especially attached to the man they lose their virginity to (or so studies show), I concluded that no-string-attached sex for virginity was the best way to go.

I still wasn't over Calvin, even after I went back to the States again. Yet this time, Sophomore year, high school changed me. I hung out with Seniors and partied with seniors. I did alcohol every Friday and Saturday (every)  at parties. I would be partying every single Friday and Saturday, hooking up with guys as well. I was having a blast, and life was awesome. Calvin was no more in my heart than a speck of dust. I had, even aside from Calvin, my heart broken TOO many times to count. This was because of my affinity to becoming emotionally attached in too short of a time period. I thought that I could rid myself of this habit, I thought I could challenge it out of me. So I told myself that I would just hook up with guys and play them as I had been played. It is surprisingly easy, yet surprisingly hard.

That was when I met Jeremy. Jeremy was 22 and was at a party that I was at on Halloween. I would be lying to say that he seduced me. He intrigued me, and I seduced him. We had a one night stand, and then he completely cut off all contact with me (of course, I was Jail Bait.) I was very emotionally detached from relationships now. The word "relationships" was stupid in my head. As a fact (at least, in my head) I knew that all relationships ended some time or the other. The question was just when. I did not believe in couples staying true or staying in love forever. There was no such thing as forever. There is only education, money, and fun.

I wasn't a 'bad' girl, in some ways. I was attending a very recognized school, one of the best in the state, and I was getting straight A's. I was in the 99th percentile on my test scores, nationwide. I valued education, I valued my future career, I valued money.

The rest was just rubble.

I starting smoking more pot (though, not a lot), I drank more and partied more/raved more/hooked up more. And I had more one night stands. Two more, in fact. Both with guys who's age would not be considered legal. I was also a growing smoker.


But hey, fun's fun no matter what stereotype the judgmental people of society place on you. No matter what, there will always be people that frown at any action. -- My quote back then.

But I was also Christian, believe it or not. I still am. I always believed in God, even if I lost faith in man. This isn't a religious preaching, don't fret. I wasn't a GREAT Christian. In fact, I was probably a horrible Christian. But, I believe that was when God saved me.

I was at a very shady party with no one that I knew well. It was a small party, more like a 'gathering' actually. There were a lot of drugs being done (I didn't do drugs. I only smoked pot every now and then.) so that made me uneasy. I was with my friend Philip, who was trying to hit on me the whole night, but I wasn't the least bit interested and I made that clear.

That's when I met his friend Stephen. He was .. this is corny, but I felt like I fell in love with him at first sight. My first conversation with him was not frivolous not was it shallow; it was actually the first heart-to-heart, deep conversation I had with a guy (besides my best friend) in half a year. I didn't believe in relationships. At that time, I had been in over 10 relationships and numerous hookups. I didn't even contemplate the idea of a relationship.

Long story short, he turned out to be everything I had dreamed of and everything that is perfect. Not perfect for everyone, and probably not even perfect for you, but he was/is perfect for me.


I hope that after you have read my personal story, please, please listen to my message.

Times can get dreary and life can ask you to hold the world on your shoulders. The only road ahead may be the one illuminated in shadows. Please, don't ever settle for anything less that what you deserve. And don't ever think you deserve anything less than the best.


srslynotjenn srslynotjenn
Mar 14, 2009