I Get Lost In The Outside World. Part 1

Like my mind, this post will follow. If you get lost, you get it.

I work as a cashier/janitor/Guest Service rep/phone operator/teacher/fellow hobbyist/communicator. I hate working where I work and most of the people I help at my work. I like most of my co-workers and like what I am surrounded by. Sometimes, my hate overrides everything and I panic. I feel suffocated by my job and most of my life, since working there, has me consistantly counting down to the next shift. It is all I ever think about. It has gotten so bad at my job, that when people tell me "Thank you" I tell them "Thank you and enjoy" in response, even if it isn't an appropriate answer.

I worry about trying to find another job because my managers are able to work around my college classes. Also, I have never been so sick in my life until I started working there. I am sick about once a month and that is only if I am lucky. My days off usually have me cleaning or mending things.

I miss who I was before I started working there. Happy, not counting the clock, and doing many things in one day. Now I only see friends and family once a week, am constantly angry or depressed, and can't concentrate on a project for longer than a few minutes. I hate this new person I have become. This constantly apologizing, feeble-voiced and submissive drone. I am screaming on the inside, but my work prevents me from saying things or doing things I truly wish I could do.

The only things that usually keep me from breaking-down are my music, my Love, my cat and the hope that one day, I will be free and able to do things I have been wanting to do. When I can't be stopped and my mind comes to a screeching halt, I have to escape whereever I am and go someplace that I am comfortable. I don't know what triggers it, but I know the warning signs.

When I get a day off and after cleaning, I usually spend it inside or out in nature by myself. I hate contact with other people out in the open world. I feel better when I can talk to people online and on a site where I won't be ridiculed for saying my mind. My Love is someone who also feels the same way.

I hate politics and politicians. Goverments don't work and it serves no purpose to call one's home "Land of the Free" when you constantly see the people you love being banned from the freedoms that others get to enjoy. I hate that my money is used for harm. I hate that no one can let anyone live. I hate that no one can say anything without stepping on someone else's toes. I hate that it is easier to produce hate than love (sheer irony). I despise society but respect humanity. I hate "the general public". Corrupt, immoral, belief-blinded, controlling 1950's mindset.

I hate being given compliments. They make me cringe and I feel horrible when someone tells me: "You...". I love anonymous compliments, like when I do something and someone notices, but doesn't know it was me. Those feel better, but I still cringe. I tend to ask "why?" when someone says anything positive about me and keep very silent or to-the-point when someone vocally exposes my negatives. I will own up to my flaws, bluntly and publicly. I am no shining beacon of can-do-no-wrong.

Society wants me to be sociable, preppy, tradtion-conforming. I am none of those. I feel the stares, see the gestures, and hear the whispers. It is grating and endless to me. I grind my teeth and clench my fists to the endless chatter of people who tell me how I should be. I am not my name. In my head and to those who care how I feel, I am Ren. Ren the Shadow Dancer. Not Lauren the Social Butterfly. I hate being the center of attention and don't worry about it on social sites. There are so many people here that my stuff will get sifted and left at the bottom, which is okay with me.

This is not the last post I will make about this...
TheRequiemRose TheRequiemRose
18-21, F
May 13, 2012