Even though I know and have planned what is right for me, I always look to the what ifs. I always hold on to what things could be. And I get burned so badly for doing so.
I believe, in all of my heart, that there is a way even through the darkest of times. I feel love so deep for someone who is so tortured because of what I knew about him for years before he got really sick...before he became lost. Half of our lives...I knew him and I saw him change during one of the most difficult and trying times he's ever had. It's enough to break anyone.
But I went through it with him too. It didn't break me. I had flashbacks, episodes, sensory issues, all the works of someone who had to go through five years of trauma. But I didn't let it break me. I stood next to him through it, even though he pushed me away. Several times we tried to make it out of the heap, out of homelessness, out of massive tragedy, out of the abuse we took from others...we did it holding each others hands even. But he broke. He gave up. He gave in. It was hard because I often stopped to grasp his hand to drag him out of the muck only to see him basically ask me to let him go...let him fall apart.
Even though I know when enough is enough, I still feel loyalty. I hate that I feel loyalty because my rational mind keeps telling me that I already know what I have to do. I know that it's not giving up. I never wanted to give up.
This is hard for me. It's always been hard for me in these matters. But I just wanted to admit my vulnerability. I hope and I am not sure if the hope is bad for me or not because my heart keeps telling me otherwise...somewhere deep inside my heart is telling me to hope even though I shouldn't.