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I Get My Hopes Up Too Much

I Will Admit This

By: Tekkamaki
Written on October 20th, 2009

Even though I know and have planned what is right for me, I always look to the what ifs. I always hold on to what things could be. And I get burned so badly for doing so.

I believe, in all of my heart, that there is a way even through the darkest of times. I feel love so deep for someone who is so tortured because of what I knew about him for years before he got really sick...before he became lost. Half of our lives...I knew him and I saw him change during one of the most difficult and trying times he's ever had. It's enough to break anyone.

But I went through it with him too. It didn't break me. I had flashbacks, episodes, sensory issues, all the works of someone who had to go through five years of trauma. But I didn't let it break me. I stood next to him through it, even though he pushed me away. Several times we tried to make it out of the heap, out of homelessness, out of massive tragedy, out of the abuse we took from others...we did it holding each others hands even. But he broke. He gave up. He gave in. It was hard because I often stopped to grasp his hand to drag him out of the muck only to see him basically ask me to let him go...let him fall apart.

Even though I know when enough is enough, I still feel loyalty. I hate that I feel loyalty because my rational mind keeps telling me that I already know what I have to do. I know that it's not giving up. I never wanted to give up.

This is hard for me. It's always been hard for me in these matters. But I just wanted to admit my vulnerability. I hope and I am not sure if the hope is bad for me or not because my heart keeps telling me otherwise...somewhere deep inside my heart is telling me to hope even though I shouldn't.

By: Tekkamaki
Age: 31-35
341 people have read this story

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2 responses
  • Tekkamaki
    Tekkamaki

    Thank you. You know, I don't feel strong. I feel very confused a lot. I just feel a stubborn loyalty towards seeing out what feels like a right direction. I feel lucky I get relief and things work out in its own way. And I feel very tired when things are unfortunate and don't work out. Still, I don't "feel" very strong and I don't know why. Least I know I can still feel happy and still feel joy.



    We've been separated for most of our relationship from the very start. It's been a very difficult and complex marriage. But I am glad we both can agree that it's ok to just stop. Enough is enough. I think in the end of this, we will understand each other better even if our marriage doesn't survive it. Least we will survive it all. That kind of hope is alright with me! : )

    Apr 9, 2010
    1 like
  • Tekkamaki
    Tekkamaki

    Thank you for the comment AquaTurtle. : )



    I guess on my side reading this story back feels a little more clear. My range of emotions make sense. I know what my heart was telling me. Today I can see that I care but that a good healthy love is not present. Caring is normal and it's alright to feel that way. As well as standing a good footing on what a healthy relationship should be. I can never compromise what is emotionally healthy for staying in what gives us both pain. Finding that balance today is really key towards my emotional being. So this story does provide me with a light towards that path.



    Today, I feel a sense of hope. I know the relationship is damaged. But I always have hope that people will find their way for themselves at least. I think some things have ended and are finished. But I feel like it was necessary to let go of something in order for both of us to grow. His history and mine are linked with a lot of pain and not love. The pain for the first five years were things that happened, misfortunes. They piled up and he is very angry about all of it. So angry he's pushed everyone out of his life. At first I was very heartbroken. But today, I am ok. I know why things are they way they are and I am going to be alright. I know he is going to be alright. That pain is not sorted out so the "love" is unclear if it is present or absent. What happened to our relationship is the natural course. He is not ok with it. He feels horrible that it is damaged, he hurt people, but he is not in the place to pursue a relationship either. I do have hope that he will forgive himself and his mistakes. And that he will be ok.



    It is true what you've said. Having hope in these times really helps to cope, to find something good, and to use it as strength to move on.



    Thank you for bringing this story back to life. It's very relevant to what I am going through now.

    Apr 9, 2010
    1 like