My First Scolding


On this fateful day, my friend and I decided to take a walk. We live in an area hit hard by the Northeaster storm, and large snow hills are everywhere. We began our walk not intending to leave her neighborhood, but our stroll was extended to the Wawa down the street as well.

Let me inform you right now that we do not smoke, drink, nor partake in casual sex. We are honors students at our public school. Epitome of nerd.

Just a little off.

Anyway, so we are walking, and we decide to climb a large snowbank on the side of the road. We were just standing at the top, clutching nearby 'el arbol' branches, when a woman turns the corner and promptly starts cursing out of shock at seeing us atop the hill. My friend believed it to be my mother and impulsively wanted to hurl a snowball at her; thank God she didn't. The woman nervously begins talking about how it would be cooler if we drilled holes into the snow bank instead of stood on top of it. We humored her, but did not climb down to even consider the cumbersome task. Then she began to call behind her for her dog; which was quite odd because she had no leash and had been talking for a solid three minutes without any sign of a dog.

The dog appeared, scared and confused. It was a large black Labrador retriever and as soon as it laid eyes on us it stopped in it's tracks. This should have been the first sign to us that our night was going to be fairly surprising. I had never seen a dog stand so still and be so judgmental. The woman kept calling to it as one would to a child she knows is misbehaving by staring rudely. They quickly departed after that.

We grew rather exhausted of ruling our snowbank kingdom so we slid down the hill and continued our trek down to the Wawa parking lot, in search of a new one.  In a rage of Macho Taco's somewhat recent closing, we sought to conquer a nearby pile of snow.  Upon slipping numerous times, we decided to sit by a lovely no parking sign sticking out of the hill's top.  Suddenly, our class president lurked out of the shadows saying he was swell upon our inquiry.  We replied that we were peachy keen and in response to our answer, he said that he would also be peachy keen if he was perched upon our snowbank as well.  He then proceeded to briskly swag away to continue his journey to the Wawa.  

We slid down our latest conquest to move on to bigger and whiter hills. Once my feet touched the pavement, I fist pumped and screamed "yes," as an expression of my sudden exuberance for life. My comrade followed in quick pursuit. We commenced to link arms and skip merrily through the parking lot towards our final destination. As we crossed the empty intersection, I stopped to look around. I decided to take advantage of the eerily barren intersection and we both began to dance awkwardly. It was a wonderful life experience, for intersections are never so beautifully rid of the scourge of cars.

Then we laughed with great mirth and sprinted into the two foot snow on the other side of the treacherous intersection. Wawa was near. This said warm, joyous convenient store awaited our rambunctious tomfoolery and quirky shenanigans.

As we entered the most esteemed establishment, we held the door ajar for a very sweet family that thanked us like we had saved their dog. The first exciting food we saw were sticks of beef jerky.  I brandished the beef as a sword and said to my comrade "Engarde," and we battled most fervently.  I noted the brand as "matador" and became most chipper, recalling a beautiful memory of a boy by the nickname of "Phoenix" that occurred at homecoming.  He had impersonated a bull by placing his index fingers pointing upwards on the sides of his head, pawing the ground with his feet with intimidation, snorting, and charging his friend.  I set out to do the same to my comrade at this unsuspecting Wawa with beef jerky horns.  While attempting to place the beef jerky in the sides of my knit hat, my friend scurried aimlessly about the store.  When I had completed the perfect positioning of the beef horns in my grandmother's knit hat, I proceeded to imitate the bull as Phoenix had so skillfully done before me.  After chortling quite a bit, we placed the beef jerky back in its proper storage for fear of breaking them and having to pay for something for which we hadn't the money.  Our next grand adventure was a bathroom escapade in the haunted toilets of Wawa.  As I was in the bathroom, I explained to my comrade the story of when my brother had been in the cursed Wawa bathroom.  He had witnessed a shocking event of an elderly man making quite a ruckus whilst defecating a vast amount.  When he had finally finished, he exited the stall with a full slice of pizza, and without washing his hands, he took a bite, and left. 

While reminiscing this situation, I used the bathroom and flushed the toilet.  Yet, when I went to sanitize my hands, unlike the elderly man, the toilet flushed again! D: My comrade grew rather terrified and threw herself against the wall numerous times.  She exclaimed, "We must escape!"  So we fled, and in a frightening rampage, I got stuck in the icebox, and the brave soldier that is my friend rescued me from a horrible fate of freezing to death with only ice bags as companions to bid me farewell.  After this beautiful rescue, we scrambled for the door, but halted in the newspaper section.  A headline tickled our conjoined funny-bone, so we stopped to read about a model-esque thug who ransomed a lost domesticated animal.  Shortly after, we danced a little, an employee laughed at us, and we escorted ourselves out with tremendous swagger.

Leaving the sacred threshold of our dearly beloved Wawa, we noticed a perfectly illuminated snow hill. It was placed directly beneath a street light. We rushed towards it with high hopes of scaling intimidating slopes, but the snow was not firm enough to support our eager ascent. We soon became aggravated with our failing, and we began to quote 'Drinking Out of Cups' from Youtube. So whilst beating the hill senseless, we were yelling, "I'm the tree-meister, king of trees, I count on them," and "Who does this guy think he is? Captain knots? Need some knots tied, you come to me? Yeah, bullshit!"

This went on for a wondrous five minutes.

We knew time grew short to make our departure, for our presence was requested at home by 9:45, so we once again began to walk. Yet, as we turned away from our dearest convenient store, a horn suddenly erupted from directly behind us and we yelped and took shelter by the edge of the road. We looked behind us in half curiosity, half fright. There before us was a cop car, housing quite a grumpy cop.

"What's wrong with you two!?" He immediately exclaimed, rolling down his window. We stood demurely, perplexed. This does not happen to honors students. We were fully unprepared and immensely flustered.

"What?" We responded in utter confusion.

"Why were you kicking that snow over there?" He inquired gruffly, having the stern effect he must have been planning on. I chortled with embarrassment and the weirdness of the whole moment.

"It's a stupid story; we were taking a walk and we decided to start climbing these hills, and that hill over there was really dumb and we kept sinking, so we got mad and kicked it." I replied honestly, and with humiliation.

"You've got nothing better to do?" He questioned.

"It's suburbia." My compadre promptly threw in.

"It's Valentine's Day, we're single, we were mad." I improvised, straining to give him a reason that sounded half sane.

"How old are you?"

"16." Giggles.

"Where do you live?"

"Right over there." My buddy answered, gesturing to her neighborhood just around the river bend.

"Well you may wanna get home, someone called about you, and I really don't want to come out here for nothing," he said, letting us go.

"Okay, thank you. You were called? We're sorry!" We exclaimed, our joint confusion palpable. Betrayal from Wawa? Impossible! Inconceivable!

"Yeah." He nodded grimly.

"We're sorry. We hope you have a happy Valentine's day anyway!"

"Stay outta trouble." He warned with a smile. As he left we laughed hysterically, incredulous to what just happened, yet disturbed. Who would call? We were leaving! No one was at the Wawa! This situation seemed much too odd.

From this life experience we have learned we are nobles for life.

[Seahorses. 4eva. Not my chair, not problem, that's what I say.]

akimbokim akimbokim
Feb 15, 2010