Any Girl, But Me... Why Me?

I've had a long struggle with my sexuality due to sexual abuse.
When I was six years old, I was visiting my dad's family. My grandmother had just made cookies and I was told that I couldn't have any until after she dinner. My grandmother then left to go to work. My 16 year old uncle was left to babysit me and my younger brother who was 3 at the time. My uncle asked me if I wanted to play a game, responded yes because he was my favorite uncle. My uncle then took me until his bedroom and tied a shirt around my eyes. He told me to lay down and open my mouth. So I did. I didn't know what was happening. I just felt something go down my throat and I began to gag. My uncle told me swallow it. I started to cry. He took me downstairs and gave me a cookie. Then he asked me did I want to play horsey (usually I sat on his back while he crawled around on the floor). But this game of horsey was different. My uncle lied down on the couch and he put my brother on his stomach. He positioned me on his penis and he began to dry hump me. I kept moving up on his stomach but he would move me down. Later that evening my uncles friend came over. My uncle called me back up to his room. He wrapped another shirt around my eyes while his friend made me preform oral sex on him. Then one of the two pulled my dress up and began to rub rub something greasy between my legs before inserting their penis into me. I began to cry and after a couple of pumps they stop. I was told to lay on my back and open my mouth again. This time I started throwing up. My uncle told me to never tell anyone or else I would get a whooping for "stealing" a cookie before dinner.
Experience #2 -When I was in the fifth grade, I came home and realized that one of my younger cousins was there to visit for a week, I was so happy. I loved my cousin. He was just a year younger than me and we loved playing together. The first night he was there, I was awaken by a sharp pain and heavy breathing. My cousin was having anal sex with me. I jumped and my cousin jumped to the floor and pretended to be asleep. I thought that I was dreaming. But my underwear were down and my bottom was very sore. I told my mother ad she told my grandmother. Nothing ever happened to my cousin. It was swept under the rug by my grandmother.
Experience #3- (I was still in the fifth grade)One evening, My aunt picked me and my cousin (a different cousin) up from school on an early dismissal Wednesday. My mom was at work and my aunt had to go back to work, so she dropped us off at one of her friends house. Her friend andy (not his real name) was always nice to my cousin and I and we liked him a lot. Once we were at Andy's house he ordered us pizza's let us play his playstation. I became tired and fell asleep. Andy woke me up and told me to go lay down in his bedroom. After being sleep for a little while, I heard andy go into his bathroom and cut on the shower. He then came out with a towel wrapped around him. He woke me up and began to massage my tiny breast and he made me rub his penis. I told him that i didn't like it. But he told me that It was fun. He then pulled my pants down and rubbed his penis around my vagina. My cousin then knocked on the door and said that he was bored and wanted to go outside. Andy then made me promise to never tell anyone. Years later, 2 brave little girls told on Andy and he is now serving time for molestation.
Experience #4- I was in the 7th grade when one of my classmates began to sexually harrass me. He would rub my vagina, pull my breast out of my bra, If I got into trouble and was sent into the hallway, he would get in trouble and go out into the hallway too. He would hump my bottom at the water fountain and threaten me. I told the principal and nothing was ever done about the situation.
Experience #5- I was thirteen years old the first time I caught my landlords son peeping through my window. He would peep often and he would often make sexual gestures as I walked by. One night I told my mom and she called the police and we eventually moved.
Experience #6- I became sexually active when I was 15 years old. I'm now 21. Sex has never been pleasurable for me and it feels more like a yucky job than an experience. I often have random sex and I don't use protection. Sometimes, I feel as if my body doesn't belong to me, but it belongs to the many men whom lust after me. I've started therapy, but I just so embarrassed and ashamed. I'm aiming to get the help that I need. Though, I feel used, abused, and even battered. I know that one day, I will learn to cherish and give my body the respect that it deserves. I guess you can say, [I'm learning to love myself].
Beautyandbrains2013 Beautyandbrains2013
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 19, 2013

I'm terribly sorry that this happened to you. I find you brave and courageous for putting this up. Good job!