Thankful For The Moments

I have been having a really rough time of it lately on a daily basis. I was sexually and physically abused every day for seven months after I moved to the mainland in 2009 and 2010. I have always had severe physical pains and ailments from stress because of how I was born. But if something phenomenally bad happens to me, I am even more grateful for the moments in time when I don't have pains and ailments. I saw guys who looked like the guys I was attacked by who actually verbalized they think women were put on this Earth to have sex with the men and do what the men wanted, which in my opinion justifies other girls that said of them that they are "apes that escaped the zoo". Well, not justify, more like understand.

Anyways, I have been having horrible pains and ailments again. My scalp all over feels bruised. My lips feel numb sometimes when I talk. I feel out of breath but can breathe just fine. My heart feels like a tight vice has been put on it and bricks are piling on it. I see bright flashes of purple light when I move. I waddle when I walk cause of the bruised feelings at the bottom of my feet. The stress smell thanks to conversion disorder that I have always had which makes emotional pain turn into physical pain and ailments has been on the past couple weeks. My palms sometimes has a bruised feeling. I am not at all complaining.

Some friends have been tremendous in my life. One male on here makes faces at me and chats with me in Meebo if he knows I'm in pain and it makes me laugh and makes the ailments and pains go away if but momentarily. Other female friends on here have been so loving and kind, knowing I need a friend to help me through this.

My mother has been trying to connect with me lately because of how bad stress is for me. She and I are going to Maryland soon to try to get my body to know it is safe. Taking my wheelchair just in case I can't walk. It seems like it was made just for me holding weight up to 97 pounds. I still have my body curves but I lost a lot of weight. I weigh about 83 pounds when I checked the scale. Not good since I am supposed to weigh 98 pounds. I haven't been able to eat much. I try but get full fast from the stress.

I am ever so grateful for my friends who are true. I can get through the bad better when I have my friends at my side. I know I've been needing my friends more than ever in addition to my art God has blessed me with. One good thing that surprised me after the attacks was I met a woman who was trying to kill herself but through my friendship, she chose to live. I know I would not have been able to meet her and help her had my road map directed me elsewhere when I moved to the mainland. I'm not saying I was glad I was attacked, but doors opened I never would have considered opening were it not for that. Who knows? Her family might have had to deal with a death not a life had someone not helped her. I met so many more people online and offline that had life not thrust me into that storm, I and they wouldn't have met.

The moments come and go so fast when the pain and ailments go away as I deal with the aftermath emotionally of what those guys did to me, but the friends who take the time to be with me and make my smile worthwhile, make me thankful for the moments.
blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti
36-40, F
1 Response May 8, 2012

You're a very strong, kind individual & I really appreciate this inspirational story. I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you, but I'm glad you are moving onwards despite the pain.

thanks :)

It's no problem at all.