Nothing

That's basically what I consist of; nothing. Sometimes too many episodes of my past dominate my mind and I wish they would go away like turning off the TV when an uncomfortable scene pops up. That's not how most minds work though. Rape and torture isn't something you easily forget. Especially not when it's all first now resurfacing after years of repression. I thought I would be the last person to repress memories so violent, vulgar, and traumatic. But I wasn't. Some memories came back as a dream that I ignored till it persisted and dominated my mind in the end. Those days are the worst. When your past controls you and you have to force yourself out of bed, and when you have to convince yourself that the shadow you saw moving towards you out of the corner of your eye was just a figment of your imagination. Yeah, those days are the worst. I hate dwelling in the past, and I prefer fixing things quickly and then moving on. But this time that just won't cut it. The numerous memories have consumed my life, my emotions, and my entire self. It's gotten to the point where my life feels worthless and hopeless, my emotions are a myth, because I have become numb, and I no longer know who I am. And the more knew memories resurface, the less I want to know who I really am and what my life consists of.
Brielle18 Brielle18
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 17, 2013

I hallucinate shadows too...it's what my therapist calls a negative hallucination.
...You are worth a lot, you CAN get better, you can make it past this part.