Am I Dreaming?

There is a woman on here, I won't tell you who she is, but some of you know.  Months ago she came on like gang busters to me, telling me about how she wanted to have sex with me, things like that.  I live in the US, she lives overseas.  She said she wanted to meet me, maybe even decide to live with me.  That was then.  Well over a month ago her son got into a boating accident and hit his head,  He was in a coma, but then came out.  We thought he was on the mend, but he died not long afterwards.  Having three kids myself, I can imagine how devastated I'd be if something like that happened to one of my kids.  She was very depressed, of course, not eating or drinking.  I found this out from her sister, who told me and kept me a very little bit informed for a while.  Right now, I haven't heard from her sister since April 23rd, and don't know if my friend is alive, dead, or what.  She's younger than me, but I know she likes older men anyway.  My question is:  Am I being unreasonable in wanting to know from her what's going on with her life?  I know you never ever get over something like this, but how long is long enough?  Long enough to tell a friend you supposedly care about deeply what the hell is going on?

IanMatthew IanMatthew
56-60, M
39 Responses May 11, 2010

she has shut out the rest of the world including u. i understand i had a injured child and she recovered but not all the way, in a wheelchair and i lost my trust in peopl around her and stopped communicating to other people ecxept for family. if she had died god knows what shape i wouldv been in she will message u if ever but if the gloom is the way i think it is in her head she mite not come out of it. sorry ian u mite b out of luck talking to her again. if i had to giv a percentage on u hearing from her again i say 20

It is very hard to lose a child and you never get over it so maybe she is taking time off to get herself together

I don't know.

I pity you poor Ian, it must be horrible to know nothing about the well-beeing of the one you love.<br />
And there is no possibility to ask her sister again?

Haven't heard anything from her since August.

Dear Ian Matthew, have read your story only now and I hope you don't mind when I'm asking if you got informed about your friend by now.

I have lost an adult child and i will tell you that some of us, myself included, choose to close off the world for a time and do whatever helps us to survive the loss. Personally, I know that I had to heal a bit before becoming socially active again. <br />
You have no idea how much time she may need, you must not be selfish. I did not talk to my best freind of 45 years for months. I had no words to share. Your friend's life is a different life now, her reality is altered, she is profoundly sad, You have to accept that fact and kindly stop pushing. My friends waited patiently becase they knew me well. I appreciated their kindness and unconditional loving support. Don't interject yourself into something that she has chosen is none of your business yet. Allow her to own the details of her loss. Respect her heartache and do not make demands. True love is selfless.

Thankl you.

I do. Thanks for the comment.

At first, when I read this, I thought NO - you are not being unreasonable - and I would AT LEAST tell my friends that I am disappearing for a bit and will be back when I am emotionally more healthy BUT then I started thinking about my own behavior on here - on Facebook too for that matter and realized that I don't have nearly the tragedy in my life that she has in hers, and I have been known to pull away when I am really struggling! I wish I weren't that way - and my friends on here remain in my heart and on my mind when I take a "break" but I am not good SOMETIMES about making people on here aware that I am just feeling the need to step away for a bit but that I will be back!<br />
<br />
After reading your story, I think if I feel the need to step away again, I will try very hard to AT LEAST tell the people that I care about that I will be back, but need this for me!<br />
<br />
I am sorry that you have had to go through this - it does seem that you have some good support on here, though!

Sounds like she has taken time out to grieve. If it were me i would want to be able to do that in peace, She probably has nothing more on her mind right now than the loss of her son. I for one cant imagine what she is going through but if i were you i would leave her to grieve in peace. She is possibley surrounding herself with other people that loved and cared for her son, as people do under similar circumstances. I think as a friend you should respect the fact that she is grieveing and allow her the space to decide what her next move will be without any pressure. If you push her now it really would be bad timing.

I would probably feel that way myself.

Ps. I think I may not be able to go on if I lost a child.

I'd like to think that you are not dreaming. I have great regard for the people with whom I chat and email here on EP. I hope that you have now heard from her since a couple of months have gone by.It would be sad if you haven't. But, as happy as it makes me to interact with people here on EP, I'm thinking it's a double-edged sword. Still, I catch each moment of fleeting happiness and store them in a special place in my heart.

I'll think about it.

It hurts when it feels like someone has just forgotten you, but this is unique because for reasons of tragedy your new friendship has been affected and how sad is the whole scenario, very very sad. When people are depressed, they usually withdraw and don't feel like contacting anyone apart from close family. Maybe a little card to her to say hi, thinking of you?

I thought of that as well.

thing is Ian ... you know how parents always blame themselves when something goes wrong with their child? She is probably feeling guilty (albeit unjustified) so the thought of allowing herself pleasure with another man is likely not something she feels she deserves ... irrational maybe but perhaps understandable.

Thank you, sweetie.

Thank you.

I am sorry about what happened to you Ian, i can relate to that feeling *hugs*

Thank you for the advice.

The first thoughts that ran through my mind after reading your story is what a tragic sharp turn of events has happened here. I lost my brother and almost lost my mind so I can only imagine (and choose not to) how horrible it must be to lose a child. Even more so for your friend because of the relief of thinking that her son was getting better and THEN the unexpected shock of his passing. She absolutely MUST have as much guilt free time to heal as it takes for her to heal. No matter how long it takes. And she needs that time without worrying that by taking it for herself she is somehow letting her friends down. It's safe to assume that her love life and her EP participation probably took a back seat to the issues that she is dealing with now. But that certainly doesn't mean that she was anything other than sincere concerning her interest in you. You obviously care about her on a deeper level than recreational sex, so I think that you should bide your time and leave her an occasional message letting her know that you are still here and that you care. The day will come that she'll feel the spark of life again and be ready to rejoin the world... and her true friends will be there waiting with open arms just glad to have her back. (that's when you move from aquaintance to true friend)But that's just what I think.

She hasn't, so far.

I am sorry about you and your friend. My condolences on her loss. It would have been a kind courtesy to let you know she was going to disappear for awhile. However,after such a loss she probably wasn't in a fr<x>ame of mind to do so. I hope you hear from her in the future.

If I were to lose a child, nothing else would matter to me. <br />

I hope I can find someone like that one day soon.

You are not being unreasonable. But she may never get over this. I nearly lost my son to brain trauma two years ago. It totally consumed me and all my time. I was very fortunate that my son came out of it, he has seizures now and has difficulty walking but he is alive. I would have been if I lost him. You need some one that can be dedicated to you. You've been put on the back burner long enough. You need someone who will make you feel as awsome as you are.

Thank you. I hope you're right.

Many people unfortunately are superficial ... they say one thing and mean another and do nothing ... then they drop out of sight. Everyone is different and their realities and ours sometimes seems to match in words, but not in life. <br />
<br />
When I talk to anybody here .. I consider how I would like to be treated and treat them that way.<br />
If someone comes on too strong ... I try to even out the conversation and if it falls on deaf ears, then I have no choice but to discontinue the communication. <br />
<br />
Some people here live vicariously through their profile and are nothing in person as they are in writing ... others are as true as the sky is blue.<br />
<br />
I would suggest to focus more on yourself ... while it is tragic that her son was lost, she will go through the stages and hopefully begin to feel better soon. Perhaps she will contact you and perhaps she won't.<br />
<br />
There is a very good book called "The Four Agreements" ... a self-help sort of pact you make to keep yourself centered in life. <br />
<br />

Thank you.

Not an easy process I realise Ian, however am hoping your heart can begin to heal soon.<br />
<br />
(annalea, I have the same hopes for you x)<br />
<br />
My warmest wishes :)

I'm glad I influenced you in some small way. :)

I just need to say that "came on like gang busters" is a phrase I like to fit into my life on a daily basis since I read this story. :)

Thank you, Pixie.

(((((hugs))))) I'm so sorry to hear about her son..maybe she just needs time .... I can understand how concerned you must be, she's probably so riddled with grief right now she's not thinking about letting others know she is ok. You are not being unreasonable for being concerned...I hope she comes around soon...

Thank you for the comment and the support, babe.

No, it doesn't. Thank you for the comment.

I am going through the same thing right now. Somebody who I care deeply about has stopped contacting me which is extremely out of character for him. It is hard when you open yourself up to somebody, and unfortunately when it is online it is easier to "delete" somebody out of your lives... That doesn't make it easier to move on.