A, S, N, J, B & R

I feel like I've been living a life online for some years now. That's good in many ways though; I've made lots of awesome friends for one thing. On one particular forum a few years ago, I befriended quite a few people. The forum closed down eventually and only the 'main' sort of people stuck together, so that was me, a girl called A, a girl called S, a girl called N, J, and B, though B only came a bit later and I've never known her as much.

Anyway, it's amazing in a way to have all this drama going on online. J has, in the past had self-image problems relating to her weight. I don't know if I'd call it anorexia because I don't think it ever got that bad (from what she's said anyway). B on the other hand did have anorexia at one point, and had never really spoken about it to me before. She was closer with the likes of J and S, and had told them some pretty dark things. Anyway, sometime later, N, ho is the youngest, I do believe, developed a similar problem. What followed was months of the rest of us trying trying to convince her she had a problem. She would sadden me with stories of her mother not believing her, and at the same time, terrify me with other confessions-- like the fact that she had thought about suicide.

I had been depressed, and couldn't imagine my mum not believing me, so I just couldn't get over it. She said her mum had openly said she 'wasn't the type' to ever commit suicide... but I'm guessing plenty of people have thought that, only to have it happen anyway, with them not doing anything.

I tried not to get so involved in this online world of problems that weren't even my own but N and I were friends-- I'd confided in her during my dark days, and now it was my turn to help her.

She was so stubborn though, and would never accept anyone's help. S even organized for her to speak with a counseller online once but despite doing it, N would always deny anything was wrong with her newfound weight obsession. The fact that her mother called her fat on occasion certainly didn't help.

I didn't like B talking to N because as I was to discover, she didn't sound much better herself, and she and N would have all kinds of unhealthy discussions about starving themselves.

In the end I wonder how 'serious' N's problem was. That sounds horrible, I know, but one day she just 'got over it.' And I've seen her, and she isn't rake thin and seems happy-ish to me... so I'm confused about the whole thing, in many ways.

It may sound silly, but I was also offended she never once thanked me for trying to help her, even though I was so gentle with her (but stern when I had to be) and really tried to make her see what she was doing. This sounds awful, but I half-think in the end, she may have just wanted attention. That may sound like a leap, but she's done other things in the past that are similar (not to mention the fact that she's stirred up some fights with others online too).

S and J actually lived together for awhile (S was travelling to J's country and ended up staying with her for an entire year). I'd known S longer and sometimes felt jealous. N became very bitter with J and would always say sh!t behind her back. This lead to some fights between S and N.

I'm often amazed how msn can be like real life. Someone can spread rumours about someone else, and all that bitchy real life girl stuff-- not to mention plenty more.

I didn't have the internet for nearly a year, and only talked to everyone on-off when I could. When I finally came back, I had the same friendly relationship with everyone else, but N would always say weird things like how I had 'changed' which I didn't see at all.

Thesedays I talk mostly to A, who doesn't even know any of the other girls, S, arguably the most care-free of us all, sometimes J, and very rarely B, though I do find her to be really nice though I worry she is still very troubled at times. N... well that's a weird situation. We had plenty of awesome chats when I came back after my year away from the net... but then at some point, N wasn't making an effort to talk to any of us. Not properly anyway. That's the weirdest part of it; she says hi, so you think oh, okay, she wants to chat. You type a few things, and suddenly all you get are one or two word responses. It's very weird. And I don't think there's anything going on in her life (though I guess I wouldn't know, but whenever sh!t goes bad for N, she usually posts a bulletin on myspace to get people's attention. =/ ). S and I have agreed that it's strange this girl we used to talk to all day rarely says anything now, though she still starts conversations and lets them go nowhere. Asking her what's up gets you nowhere too.

Even more baffling is on one, recent occasion, she opened seperate conversations with S and I, yelling at us both for not starting up a convo with her. We were really confused about that one. I told her it was because she never talked... she left and came back another day, starting a friendly conversation with me, that of course lasted a few words, if that.

I know that I get too involved in all this online stuff. I'm not as bad as I used to be with it though, seriously. There used to be heaps going on. Now there's mostly just the confusion over N's silence.

Sorry this is so long. My stuff usually is. =/

FateCantDecide FateCantDecide
22-25, F
Mar 24, 2009