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How Much Can I Ask?

I’m not a caring person. I’m extremely egocentric, quite selfish, pretty cold indeed. But I’ve always always tried my best to help people because I just believe it’s right. It’s right for me to be there, to advise, to listen, to support, no matter what. And there is no more important thing to me than doing the right thing.

I just can’t understand where is the limit between “asking to much” and “getting too little”. Most people find it natural and easy to figure it out, but I’m not that kind of person that get quickly and dramatically upset in front of someone’s mistake: I need to know what caused that mistake, if it was accidental, if it was partially my fault etc. So most times I just pass over, it almost looks like I’ve forgiven. And that’s why people have been using me, without even guessing all my efforts to be their “unwavering pillar”. And I realized that, actually, I don’t forgive at all: I wait for people to fix what they’ve broken. But they don’t. And I get forced to discuss it, but it’s so taught since I don’t know my breaking point, I don’t know when I am permitted to say “that’s enough: now you owe me something” because “my standards for people are too high”. And I keep on enduring everything, constantly waiting for someone to tell me what I deserve.

In this world compromise is the key word. But how do people define it, how do they choose between fighting for someone and letting him/her go? Or, better, between others’ needs and their own? I’d rather suffer myself, pretending I’ve forgiven, than face this enigma.

(Sorry for the bad English)
Diomea Diomea 18-21, F Jun 19, 2012

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