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How Can I Be Happy Again?

I have been dealing with depression for the past thirteen years. I can't even remember the exact day but it all started when I was seven years old. My mom was not really with my dad anymore and she met someone new. I didn't of it that much because I wasn't used to that change. A couple of years later, I was at my grandmother's house, looking for something to draw. I looked on top of her grand piano and I found a naked picture of my mom's boyfriend. I was pretty upset when I saw the picture; even though I was a child I knew what this was and how this could affect me later on in life. I meant to add a detail about this story (before my mom met her boyfriend, she didn't yell at me but as soon as they got together everything blew up in my face). I wanted to tell my mom was I found but I was afraid that she was going to yell at me but in a more aggressive way than usual. I will say this, I lost respect for both of them that day and I haven't been able to at them the same way. Not only did they hurt me but they disrespected my grandmother; I don't know if she saw the picture but I would not be surprised if she did. Eleven years has passed and I am still holding this secret from my mom. Since then, she has gotten worse when she speaks to me. To her, I am always sad and I am not moving fast enough for her. You know I am sad and she is the reason why I am sad because of the way she has treated me over the years. She gives her boyfriend (now husband) more attention but whenever I am sick, she will give me attention but sometimes it is the wrong kind of attention. I really don't have anyone to talk to since my grandmother passed away a few years ago. I was so close to her that she considered me to be her daughter. I miss her physically but I can feel her spirit around me. I can't connect with other people like I used to. How can I be happy again when my mom gives me a hard time and criticizes every little thing that I do. I can't breathe or sleep peacefully without the negative thoughts, that my mom tells me, racing through my head. I want to be happy but HOW?  
beautywithin20 beautywithin20 18-21, F 2 Responses Aug 14, 2011

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I have started counseling to try to figure a lot of what you describe here out. I sense it headed in a good direction. <br />
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I sense that you need to explore something similar. <br />
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I seriously feel the Nick Lachey line "take what's left of this man, make me whole once again" from "What's left of me"

It's not clear if you have so I'll ask anyway...have you ever sat your mother down and told her how you feel? Parents are hard to talk to sometimes and it sounds like she was never supportive or attentive enough to you or your needs. She needs to realize how badly she makes you feel with all her negativity. She should be encouraging you and helping you and it sounds like she doesn't do much of that at all. <br />
What about her husband, how has he treated you?