The Journey

It all began early in high school. I just let myself gravitate towards food for comfort. I never wanted to face my feelings as they were so I masked them. Before I knew it, I was over 200 pounds at 18 years old. Looking back on my life, I am still baffled on how I got here. How I let myself get here. I am mad at myself every day for putting myself through this constant torture. My solution for insecurity was to add more insecurity to my life. Everything just feels so out of my control. I am powerless when it comes to the temptations of food. The idea of 'just don't eat it' seems so simple yet it is the hardest to do. I wish it was that simple but no matter how many times I tell myself I shouldn't, I still do. I do not want to be this way. I want people to look at me and see someone beautiful and not just judge me because of my weight. I have a hard time connecting in relationships because I do not want to ever be reminded of how I am. I push people away that want to help me only because I do not want to face reality. I know I am seriously overweight and unhappy and no matter how much I don't want to be this way, I don't know how to change. This is all I know and I hope that in my life, I would be capable of being a better person. I am constantly having anxiety attacks and nervous feelings in public, always wondering if people are staring or laughing. I envy people who can walk with such confidence and grace. I often feel lost and disconnected from who I really want to be. I feel like I can never truly be happy with myself or anyone else unless I love who I am and I hate who I am right now. I know that losing this weight will be the longest and most painful journey for me but I not only want to, I need to. I want to shake the feelings of regret over letting my childhood and young adult years be like this. I want to grow up, share my life with someone, and have children who can look at me and be proud, not ashamed.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 15, 2013