My Personal Story...

Step One. We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Hi I'm LT and im an Obsessive Overeater.

From a very young age, back into my childhood food seemed to be an escape, a comfort, a praise... many things other than just nutrition for my body. 

The relationship between me and my father was a difficult one. He never encouraged me or gave me constructive criticizm or even just a simple "well done". My father always saw the negatives and therefore at first made me want to try harder but after a few years i gave up trying all together. All I wanted from my father was to know that he was proud of me... to get some kind of praise. I got it everywhere where else other than him. but the others didnt count.

When my father picked me up after school (in Primary School) he would take me to KFC or Hungry Jack (Junk Food/Fast Food) and that to me felt like a nice bond between us. its all I had. In the middle of the night when i would wake up (he would always be awake late) we would stay up together have something to eat (around 12 or 1am) and watch a movie... again this was our connection... our bond. and on very rare occasions the way that he would show his affection towards me is to give me a red wrapper, love heart shaped piece of chocolate. (again food)

I never realized until now how food became such a comfort food to me at such an early age...

Now throughout Primary school I was teased constantly about my looks and weight. (not just by my peers but also by my father and even alittle bit by my mother even though i know she was just trying to help) Now because of this teasing at school... I wouldnt eat in front of anyone. because i would be thinking to myself that they are thinking "My god she's eating again!" So my options were.. to either not eat anything all day, so I would chuck out my food and then have a huge binge when i got home from school... or to hide somewhere and eat so no one could see me. 

I realize now... this isnt healthy. 

Primary school i believe... were the worst years of my life... 

Another habit of mine would be to open the fridge door... look around... open the freezer door... look around and then open the fridge door again... but either way it seemed that food was the answer... however it did not help my situation and i gradually started putting more and more weight on. 

I would have more than one meal at a time... so for instance even though I had a good meal at home and i was not really hungry anymore.. (if i had the money, or if i didnt i admit i stole some from my parents) I would go out or sneak out afterwards and buy some junk food and literally stuff my face. 

I began to manipulate social situations so that I could go and eat in private... I would either not attend and make up an excuse and eat by myself. or i would say i would be late because of traffic when actually i was having junk food. 

I admit this is quite embarrassing... and I feel quite stupid about all of this.. but thats one thing OA has shown me that while it may seem stupid to those who dont understand... we know its a problem you cant control right now.

Ok well continuing on to High School... it was slightly better than primary school... however in my last year (2007) I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression, which i now think has alot to do with this... highschool I had many friends... not many real friends. I started to eat infront of people... mainly I think because there were larger people than me in my circle of friends which made me feel more comfortable and also because I started to get attention from boys/men around the age of 12 which was quite a suprise to me because i thought i was hideous and that no one would ever want to be with me. anyways... my issues with food still continued... only now i've begun to realize that while I am and was using it as comfort food... I realize now that I am also in a way using food to punish myself... 

I have alot of hatred towards myself... which has probably built up over a number of things... anyways because I dont believe that I am beautiful or smart or attractive etc... because i dont believe that i am beautiful on the inside... then I cant be beautiful on the outside... im not deserving... im not worthy... im not good enough... and therefore i eat because its punishing myself... because sometimes when i have junk food now... I want to throw it up and I feel disgusting and Im not even enjoying it... but i keep eating.

Now once i had left highschool and began earning some money and could drive myself around... it became worse... I would go through drive through... and i would eat in my car.. and even then i was trying to hide it from people walking by. My mum would be home and of course i didnt want her to see what i was bringing home so i would eat it in my car.. and then hide the packaging either under my chair or in the boot of my car. it piled up... and i forgot about it... but my mum drove my car once and noticed a smell... so she cleaned out my car looking for this smell... and she found it. she found my shame.

She came in and after a while confronted me about it... I felt my face go so red in shame... and all i wanted to do was cry... that was the point of realization... yes i do have a problem... i need help. I heard about overeaters anonymous... and to be honest i laughed because i thought it was a joke from AA... but then i found out it was true... and googled it... and answered some of the questions and thought... thats me.

So i went to my first OA meeting the other day.. i found it quite confronting, embarrassing, awkward even stupid that i was going to one... but once people started to share their stories... i related so much and found myself connecting to these people. 

I've done diets... and pills and exercise regimes... but i couldnt maintain any of it.. because my problem was still there... and i would shock myself at how i would get after a while of forbidding myself to have junk food... I would become violent... I would become hysterical... I would throw tantrums... and i would also realize how stupid i was being! and how embarrassing it was! I remember one time i even broke a plate on purpose. 

I still have my weight and eating problems now... and im hoping that OA will help me... they say im supposed to surrender myself to a higher power... such as God well I may not entirely believe in it.. but im going to try and pray for help.

Anyway thankyou for reading through my story... and I hope it may make you realize your not alone.

 

-LonelyTrail-

LonelyTrail LonelyTrail
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 18, 2010

Hi, I read your story and could relate. Like you I had a negative relationship with my father and at 46 still do. I know I need to let this go it. When I went to O A meetings for two years I remained abstinent and found my obsession with food left me and I had a lationship with my higher power and it worked. Now is a new day, just looked at the time and it's dot on midnight how apt. I am going to reconnect with my higher power, I have admitted right now I am powerless over food, I can not do this alone. I am going to write my food plan, get an online sponsor and take one day at a time. I know it works!