Divorce After 40 Years Of Marriage

It is quite a shock to discover that after what I thought was a good marriage for 40 years I am now faced with a divorce. I know each case is different but I find it extremely hard to come to terms with. I have raised two children who are both married with children and my husband took up golf as a hobby. I thought I could have a bit of me time and went into partnership in a little shop as it was like therapy to me. Little did i know that this little shop will be the end of my marriage. Suddenly I was criticized for everything i do, although I spent only two hours a day there, being told how silly I am to do this and now facing this dilemma which I don't know how to handle. Hey, anyone out there that's been through something like this with some advice on how to mentally deal with this? How does one cope with being alone after being married for so long and being isolated even from your children and grandchildren because a little poison seed has been sown in their minds by dad, who is so bitter because I wanted to do something for myself. Am I not entitled to it? I just find it very hard to understand.

56-60, F
14 Responses Oct 11, 2009

When I started reading this---I thought it was MY story---except the HE in this, is a SHE. And I didn't have a shop. But the rest is
the same, unfortunately. I feel bad for you. But I also feel bad
for myself. I thought after 40 years together--with no cheating, or physical abuse of any kind, we were on our way to forever! But when her mother died, 4 days later she left for Idaho. No
explanation or anything! I thought maybe after a week or two she would be back. But then, I was served with papers for DIVORCE! I was, ( and still am, sometimes ) shocked! If I had
been cheating or abusive I could understand.
But hopefully, to answer your question, I am doing quite well
on my own. And I try---everyday---to think of the good things
that came out of our marriage. I have a son and daughter who
are grown and married, and have children of their own. My SON and his wife and 11 year old daughter are the only ones
who associate with me. Try to think positive! And hopefully
you, ( we ), can let it go. Best wishes to you

I understand your dilemma, but I have the opposite problem, my husband wants me to go back to work. He is jealous of the fact that I have a hobby I love that keeps me plenty busy with the free time I allow myself after I finish all my household duties. He is verbally abusive and I am tired of fighting with him. We almost got divorced five years ago due to his gambling issues, which caused me to lose all respect for him. He has sign up with gamblers anonymous so this is not currently a problem.
We should be celebrating our 40th anniversary in three months but instead I just want to get as far away from him as I can. I'm happiest when I know he is going to be out of town for a few days. The only thing stopping me is my worries over financial support. I have back injury issues so I really do not want to have to find a job. I am eligible for social security in three years but it would not be enough for me to live on, as I have only held about 10 part time jobs during our marriage. I always felt raising my children was most important. I have a small IRA but it won't last long if I have to live on it alone.
If working part time is what fulfills you then you are more than entitled. I would talk to your children and explain your side of things. I am fortunate in that my children already know what a tyrant their dad can be so they would support my decision if we divorce.

Well it looks as if you marched ahead and did you own thing so he is doing the same, good luck to him. I have been married for 40 years as well and I intend to divorce my lazy good for nothing husband as well he's never provided or worked in the last 25 years I had to do it all and he certainly was no house husband as I usually came home to more of a mess than I left in the morning, he has great plans now when I am nearly age to retire and he is pension age next year so I will believe that when I see it. End of the line I'm moving on and no more "till death us do part for me." My family are behind me all the way he never looked after any of us.

Yer tell my husband that then,

Yer tell my husband that then,

women of today watch too much tv and the pretence world , they are ruiening what made this country so great to live in , athight close family life.,made this US strong healthy .,where are the ladies with grace and dignity,do they really know what true love is,most are very gullable which leads to ignorance ,watch your soaps your ,your fiction love paper books,be shelfish live for lust ,and never grow up, make sure you never have any emotions ,that are true,make sure you blame someone for the bad decisions you make that will eventually destroy any chance to be happy in your later years,they are suppose to be the cherised yrs of your life here on earth,(stay out of the make believe world that is all around us ) be positive thinging

It always seems to be the guy's fault. Gimmy a break.

Hi all, right at this moment my partner of 20 years is packing to go home to his 'first' family. I am 65 years old and really don't feel too bad! as a matter of fact am looking forward to a new adventure. Who knows what or who is around the corner. I can join new groups, go walking, movies (what I like) go to bed when I like, eat what I want, anyway we had nothing in common towards the end anyway. We have no children together either, so that is a bonus as well.<br />
Yeah home alone!

Oh ! c`mon Marie,no man does such a massive decision as to destroy a marriage of so many years as yours unless there is other issues...how are your relationships with your children?? .......!!!!!<br />
As for me my Wife left after 7 years ..left me with 3 children...then beggged to come back, ..which she did 3 more years later she disappeared with some work colleague only for her best friend to beg me to have her back because she was so disturbed...I did ..Sorry but I am no martyr but really loved her...now my son is in France with a woman who is 100% behind him making a great life for them, yet my Wife is trying to alienate me because she does not care to much for my daughter -in-law..really wish I had the baLLS TO DO WHAT i SHOULD ....

I am so glad you have people in your corner and that you have found hope again! You have an amazing journey in front of you and for once you get to focus on yourself and what you want & need to grow as a person. You are going to blossom in the freedom that has come your way and I bet you will surprise some people.

WOW. THANK YOU GUYS FOR YOUR REPLIES. You have given me the strenght to carry on and I don't feel so alone and guilty anymore. You made me realise that I am a human being deserving of a peacefull life and not just a possession that has to dance to a tune. I will hold my head high as I am still living the same dignified life as before, the only difference is I can go to bed at night in peace and not have to endure accustions and ugliness. I now have an attorney and advocate who are fighting for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I NOW HAVE HOPE.

Glad things are working out for you. I bet you feel total relief I know I will. Nobody deserves the verbal abuse, they leave scars too and are just as painful.

Wow Fire, that was hot! You smoking girl......yes it is scary having to face being alone but look at the flip side. No one interrupting you while you gather your thoughts, thoughts they choose not to be included in. Then they wake up that 'oh no' she is changing into a woman who has paid her dues and is entitled to a little stimulation. A healthy man would love to have you pransing around being the business woman, a healthy man would grant you this and be intrigued by how interesting you have become. I bet you were always faithful and loving.........and now you cannot imagine why he would make you choose.......I wonder how happy those 40 years were....? Were they happy? For you or were you going through the motions......did he light up your heart just to see him......there is someone I love and have loved for 20 years from afar and we have both continued on our journeys but when I see him, oh my goodness.......he always says, I don't know him in real life......but I say, it would be my pleasure...if only......<br />
You sound like a lovely person......don't let anything try to rip that from your hands........'they' will try....but it is up to you to hold onto your dignity and base it on your own conscience.....no one else....it will free you......

I have to agree with Fire

Hold your head up and keep a connection with the kids and grandkids as they will come around. I can’t help wondering if he has a hidden agenda and is looking for an excuse to get out of the marriage as there is no way on earth that opening up a little shop on a part time basis would ruin a healthy marriage. If he doesn’t have an ulterior motive then your husband must be very controlling and he was really threatened by your foray into independence. You didn’t stop when he berated you so now he’s going to extremes. Since he’s being bitter and spiteful get a good attorney so you get a fair deal with the divorce. While this isn’t what you had planned, it sounds like he may have done you a favor. You may find once you adjust that you have a sense of freedom and independence that is welcome after being so selfless for so long.

I think i finally am in the right place for healing, they say everything come full circle, and your famliy will to in time.

It is one thing for a man to want to end his marriage but why would he want to have no contact at all with his grown children who love him very much. He acts like the 40 years we were together and his 2 grown kids never existed. What causes that to happen????