I'm So ******* Dumb

I don't know how I let this happen. I wish I could take it all back. There is no excuse for driving drunk. I know many people who do it, and often let those people drive me when we were both intoxicated, but didn't think I'd be behind the wheel or get caught. How wrong I was.

I got my DUI November 11, 2012. Not to delve too deep into a side story or use it as an excuse because it is my own damn fault, but......I recently broke up with my boyfriend who was an alcoholic. I got sucked into a depressing relationship where I was pretty isolated and only interacted with a few other alcoholics who were not even my friends but my boyfriend's. After breaking up, I wanted to surround myself with a new crowd. I stopped drinking for a couple months but ironically chose to bring drinks to a gathering among these new friends who I thought would help me separate myself from my passed dreary drinking days. So not worth it.

I sat around a friend's back yard with a bunch of strangers and drank a 6 pack next to another dude who was also drinking a 6 pack. I had hard cider. At the time I had thought I would be spending a while there and would be able to sober up before I drove. Not long after, the host says good night and people start leaving. I panic because I thought I had more time. I started messaging people to see if anyone in the area can pick me up but it is 2am and people are sleeping. I even messaged my ex boyfriend. I have only ever driven drunk a couple of times. Once when I was a stupid kid in high school and drove my friend about 6 houses down the road. Another time was a few months before when I drove my obliterated boyfriend home because otherwise he was going to try to drive and would have killed something. It was a mistake to drive under those circumstances. I felt pretty confident the night of the DUI. I wish I hadn't or had been too drunk to operate a car, that way, even if I did humiliate myself, I am certain someone would have made sure I wasn't driving. I considered staying at my hosts- there were already 2 absolutely wasted girls staying there and I felt that they deserved the beds/couches/floors more and it would be silly to ask to stay when I did not appear as intoxicated as the others.

At the party, I watched a bunch of other people who had been drinking a lot drive off home. I waited a while, smoked several cigarettes and thought I might be okay. So I put my address in my gps, had no real idea of how to get home and began my 30+ minute trek. I didn't count on my BAC rising while I was driving and forgot to account for the fact that my tolerance was lower since I had not been drinking lately. I was concentrating so hard on steering properly and felt so nervous. I was driving the exact speed limit and noticed I was being followed for quite some time. Finally, the red and blue lights began flashing behind me and immediately pulled to the shoulder.
I had no ******* idea what I was going to do. I am no angel, and I am sure most people say this, but I have never been in trouble with the law before, was a college grad planning to get my master's, have a job with benefits and a 401k, felt like this shouldn't be happening to someone like me. I realized how much I had just ****** **** up.

So they told me I had passed over the fog lines. I didn't feel like I had because I was concentrating so hard, but I was drunk, I definitely could have. They asked me questions I didn't know, like what road I was on, I wasn't sure, I explained I was not really paying attention, just turning where my GPS told me, but I don't think that looked too favourably on my part. They told me to get out and proceed with all the tests. I was nervous but somehow thought I wasn't drunk enough to fail the tests and thought I did rather well even though I was so anxious. I didn't know the law so thought I had to do all of the tests and did each and every one of them. I stumbled on the heel-to-toe test though and kind of freaked out. They told me to blow and I blew a .17. They told me I was under arrest for a DUI. Cuffed me, shoved me in the back of the cop car and took me in. I was only about 10 mins. from home. I was bawling at the station. They did a bunch of paper work with me. Finger printed me, took my mug shot and let me call people to come bail me out of jail. I called several friends and a n ex boyfriend, all of whom did not answer. Finally, I called my ex's best friend who was at the party that night. Luckily he was around and able to get me. It was super awkward but I didn't spend the night in jail.

So now I am still scared shitless. My court date is December 27th and I don't really know what to do or quite what to expect. I am sure I am an idiot for getting myself into this mess. It seems like most people have found a solution to having a suspended license, like a family member being able to drive them to work, a significant other, friends, public transportation or being able to quit work and school and leaning on parents while they wait out there suspension. I don't have any of those options. I could take a taxi, but essentially if I had to do that for 6mo-1yr., I would be paying to go to work and have a negative paycheck. What the **** am I going to do? I can't afford this. I am so stressed and depressed. I have considered the "permanent solution to the temporary problem" because I am terrified, uncertain and lonely. I don't know when I would ever be able to pay this off, am embarrassed to tell people, am afraid I will lose my job, scared I won't be able to get into graduate school and be able to move forward with life and most of all depressed that I won't be able to do what I was initially trying to do the night of the DUI: obtain the support of new friends and surround myself with good people so that I could get a fresh start and leave a darker past behind. because I am trying to find something good in all of this, convincing myself that it could be worse and that fresh starts are always possible, but it is very hard to believe right now and waiting in this uncertainty is torture. I can't believe one decision wreaked such havoc on my life. I desperately wish there was some way to go back and change things. If I make it through, I know I am certainly never doing anything like this again.

Sorry this is so long.
openingmyeyes openingmyeyes
22-25, F
Nov 28, 2012