Regret Of Leaving My Husband

My husband had a vasectomy in 1993, we had two children, had a lovely home and we discussed children before we got married, he knew that I would like at least 3 children and he did agree he knew I longed for a large family. I used to feel selfish that this was what I longed for but we all want and need different things in life, some women are career minded early on and that's fine, I always orked alongside having my children, I worked from home and money was never an issue.

The reason for his vasectomy? He decided he wanted to travel, relax a bit and enjoy our lifestyle, everything that I can understand, he was also 10 years older than me. He did not regret having his vasectomy, it was his life/his body, but for me, the agony of not being able to have more children was difficult to deal with (I was 29 at that time), I had no input into our future and the feeling of not being able to have more children and his indifference towards me hurt me so much.

Every month, unintentionally I would be so upset, crying endlessly and not really knowing why at the time, now looking back I realise I ws probably grieving although I did not recognise this at the time. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was having twins although I lost one of the twins very early on in the pregnancy but I ached to have another baby, I could not change or help how I felt at the time. He had his vasectomy and that was than. No emotional help towards me, no talking about it, just struggling by myself to come to terms that my child bearing years were definitely over. I tried to make the marriage work but I did not want to be intimate with him, I loved him so much but I also came to resent him bitterly.

At the age of 36 I had an affair, why I don't know, I feel terrible about it and full of guilt but I also realised that I did not want to live this way and if we stayed together I woudl proably do this again. I left him at the age of 41, 12 years later, 12 years of loving and hating and arguing about the same thing. It is his life, he chose not to have more children but the last few years of our marriage because he realised that I was serious about leaving, he tried to do everything he could to save our marraige but it was all too late.

The day that I did leave him, he cried and was full of regret and remorse with having the vasectomy and not considering my feelings at the time it was only then that he admitted that he should have let me come to terms with not having any more children and allow my hormones/desire for more baby's to adjust to that. I wish I had recognised in my early 30's that I should have had counselling or spoke to someone, anyone because I believe that we could have made our marriage work.

I have not been able to have any other relationships because I am stuck in the past so much, yes I have the great house, career and lovely family, both my children are successful but we, my ex and I, are both suffering now and we were both selfish in our own ways at the time,. Our children are older 25 and 20, I will never have a long and happy marriage, we won't become grandparents together I miss him desperately to this day, I still love him very much but at the same time, full of anger towards him for not thinking of my feelings.
dawzone dawzone
46-50, F
14 Responses Mar 12, 2012

how is it going now?

My wife and myself had to make this same discussion we both wanted another child especially me.My wife had three kids with great difficulty. The big issue was her health and well being, the specialist strongly advise us definitely no more kids for her. My wife and myself agreed that I would have a vasectomy. My wife is a surgical clinical nurse and was aloud under supervision to do the snip snip. My wife had mixed emotions prior to the procedure, but when it all started happening, she told me she was that excited and happy that I loved her that much to let it happen. This all happened 20 year ago, and I love my wife so so much,I have a never regretted doing the snip.

I feel the very same way about my partner. He wants a vasectomy and I want another child, if he goes ahead with it I know I'll hate him forever and I will have to end our relationship.

I'm going to leave my opinion here like everyone else. But I'm caught between sides here. When it comes a healthy marriage, it's best if both spouses talk and communicate about everything, especially the BIG decisions that are permanent, like a vasectomy. That REALLY REALLLLLY should have been something he discussed with you and gave TIME to think over. However, it was quite clear he did not want children after the two you had. And I would very much rather have children with a husband that wants them, and not just becuase he wants to me make happy, or doing this on his 'to do list'.

But what really got to me was the fact that you grieved your heart out for the rest of the marriage all becuase you wanted more kids. What about the kids you already had? They should have been the primary highlight of your heart. But you were having a fit over something you did not have.

Sometimes spouses are going to do things that really upset you, no marriage is perfect, but you DON'T let it drag on for years. You talk about it, you settle it, you forgive, and don't let it come up again to ruin everything you still had.

My advice is to forgive him for his thoughtlessness, and go back. Then bug your kids to have grandkids. You only have one life, why live it in misery missing him? You can let go of the anger if you try. Maybe it will take counseling. But you can.

His decision was made lightly without regard to your feelings on the matter. That was selfish of him. It is a heavy couples issue, especially with him KNOWING you wanted at least three children. He should have consulted you. As for you, you have the right to forgive him - or not!

Go fix your marriage. It hurt me that my wife resented me after my vasectomy. It was like I wasn't enough for her. We had one kid and I was 30. I just couldn't start again with an infant. I drive truck and needed her back to work. It is a burden as a blue collar Joe making ends meet with one kid let alone more. Myself and many men are exhausted from working all the time to feed mouths. It's a joy yes, but I am glad I salvaged my life so I can return to school and retire young or pursue a job I enjoy.

Seems like the issue here isn't really about not having a third child but a lack of respect and communication. He should have talked with you about his decision and not totally disregard your feelings.

Dont listen to these haters. If u wanted more children, its something that both of u should have dealt with. But you are no less a woman bc u dealt with it differently. Unless anybody else has walked a mile with ur vagina then they cant **** em

You needed to and still need to grow up and be a women.<br />
Be thankful for the 2 children you have instead you wanted more <br />
You made the marriage all about children and now Its all you have your children.<br />
You should have considered your husband the person who gave you children the one who preceeded children. You should consider some type of counseling and try to repair your marriage. Reach down in your gut muster some estrogen if you can and be women and not a girl be brave and go reclaim your marriage.

I'm so sorry and I can understand what you have gone through a little, all though it's just the beginning for me. Hubby is set for the big snip in 2 weeks and everytime I think about it it makes me sick and angry and upset. I'm 26 and he's 30. He wants to be done and I want 1 more (maybe, right now just want the OPTION left open). Any time we are about to become intimate and the vasectomy crosses my mind I just totally shut down and I already know I don't want to have sex after it's done, the thought just makes me so sick. I have tried talking to him about it and he just doesn't care. He's going to do what he wants to do.

why dont you think of your husband maybe your husband wants to close the childbearing chapter and he wants more of you more time with you. Why dont you be thankful for the children you have if you keep nagging for more you are basically communicating to him you arent thankful the family you have isnt good enough. This type of behavior will ruin a good marriage and you will be lonely and it will be your fault. If you punish him sexually for this your marriage is doomed. Its not fair to bring a child into the world that is not wanted by both parents stop being selfish. The child and him will resent you.

it sad today that a marriage a home and a family would be dissolved simply because you didnt have another child. If you let a good man go over something like this you are not a real women.

I wonder, did he ever explain why he didn't talk with you first ?<br />
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It does seem such a selfish act for him to decide on his own. I don't believe it is his body and his right. He has the choice not to get you pregnant. there are many methods of birth control. I feel there is something missing in his motive that your story does not answer. You lost one of the twins, were you ill with the rest of the pregnancy ?<br />
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It sounds like you did feel grief even if it was not recignised.<br />
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I agree with the others that have suggested therapy may well help.<br />
It seems to me that perhaps there was more communication needed in your relationship in more areas than just this one issue.<br />
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Give the therapy a go. Until you are happy with your self and can let go of the guilt and grief you hold you wont be happy with anyone else.<br />
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Good luck.

The fact that he did not take into account how you felt about it, is something that you are very right it was selfish of him to just go off and do with out discussing it with you. Understand that he wanted to go a direction in life and that you wanted something else but if he wanted to still be with you then it should have been discussed in detail about having more kids and he should have put that on hold. If that was the wedge that drove you apart then it is a lack of considerations for both sides. <br />
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Understand that you really can't get back together with your ex for this sounds like it runs too deep for you, but you can't live with such a regret and expect to be happy in a future life.

Has he re-married?..If not, try to reconnect. Maybe you guys can pick up in a better place than you left off. OR maybe you should see a counseling or therapist, it sounds like your going through post traumatic stress or generalized anxiety. :(.