Once Great Now I'm Nothing

I've been a roofer/carpenter for the past 20 years, and now I am just a sofa jockey. I used to get up at 3:30 every morning, Mon-Sat, and even Sundays so I could give my family a good life. I didn't have to do this, I wanted to, I loved to, and now I get to bed if I'm lucky at 3:30. I have to take loads of prescription sleep pills just to get to bed, not a good nights sleep, just a way to shut off the day so a new one can arrive. I once could remember just about anything that came into my life, new words, conversations, pictures, places, times, I just had a good memory, maybe to the point of being anal, but that's who I was, that's what made me, ME. Now I'm lucky if I remember what has happened in my day so far. I have sticky notes everywhere in my house reminding me to do the simplest task, and it is taking it's toll.
My story: I started a new job on a Monday and by the time Friday morning came my bosses brought in the office to tell me how great of a worker I was, and that I would be getting more money for my efforts, GREAT? We left for work that morning for the job, and life was great, until we started. Someone had set up a 40 foot ladder almost fully extended on a windy day without securing it, and I was cribbing up a boom truck to help speed up the process so we could get to work. Next thing I know I'm on the ground with blood everywhere. That ladder that wasn't secured came crashing down on my head, hitting me like a hammer hitting a nail.
I've been hospitalized twice for swelling on my brain. I am condemned to my house 7 days a week, unless I have some kind of appointment. The sun gives me headaches, did I say I have a headache almost all day everyday behind my eye that feels like someone is ripping it out from the inside. I can;t walk a straight line, run, jog, I just can't find my balance. I have the sick dizzy feeling in my stomach everyday. MY LIFE JUST SUCKS
It's been over 2 months now, and I can't see myself doing this much longer. This accident not only has taken my life from me, but I have no purpose, no forward, just in a perpetual state of purgatory. I would rather be dead than just in limbo. I tried to end it all last week and it didn't work, maybe next time my family can be free of me, and all my problems...
eddieg420 eddieg420
May 14, 2012