Always Left Alone.

A few months ago I started developing feelings for a good friend of mine. He's the first person I cuddled with where it didn't feel disgusting to me. And I didn't feel too much like a woman. (I really, really dislike gender roles and feeling like a woman. .__.;) It felt pretty equal on both sides. (Then again, he's a little girly too..) Perhaps I'm attracted to the fact that I could have a slight dominant role. I crave that, necessarily. I pretty much didn't do anything about it because he had a girlfriend. At some point they had a break-up, so I tried to comfort him the best I could. A little while later I was nearly convinced he liked me. And I thought to myself "This feels almost real.. this is the most real it's ever felt." Simply because we talked a lot, and a week prior to me visiting him he seemed overly excited and we would talk about cuddling and clinging, and whatnot. I don't know how common convos like that are.. as I have never really been in a relationship before. And he had this completely random, unexpected sweetness and acceptance towards me. How was it not possible to fall for someone like that..?

Regardless, I was ridiculously happy, but then of course **** happened and went wrong when I got to visit him. I felt like such a fool. I was never lead on before, always outright rejected. :/ Just my luck I guess. I tried to force myself on someone who was still in love with someone else.. He's now back with her, and I'm stuck with memories of what happened 2 months ago, and the crappy part is that I can't even hate her, we're starting to become friends, in fact..

All I can do is watch and keep my mouth shut.
cannibox cannibox
18-21, F
Jul 15, 2010