I remember when he first walked into the room. I hardly noticed him. He was cute enough at first glance, with a lean physique and sad eyes, but in the first moment it all barely registered with me. Later I would long to return to the freedom of that indifference.
It became apparent he was the strong and silent type, which always appealed to me. He sat there saying nothing, yet he didn't come across as shy as much as just above it all. I was always drawn to people like that, craving a piece of that serene invincibility.
I saw him around a few times. One night I was standing outside of a party smoking and he came out to smoke. He told me in his slightly accented voice (later I would learn he had been born in Ukraine) he had had a lot to drink, but he wasn't acting like it. As usual I stood quietly and didn't add much to the conversation, but he kept it going. It was obvious to me while talking that he was self-absorbed, and yet I was still totally charmed by him. He told me I was pretty but not in a way that seemed creepy. "Look at you," he said. "Beautiful." "Look at you," I said, "drunk." He laughed and when he smiled his face had this way of lighting up. Later we ended up in an empty bedroom, talking. Actually he was talking, and I was listening. He told me he had been in the hospital for two months and showed me all his scars, from the operation and from various fights. I reached out and traced the one on his arm. Our eyes met and he pressed his hand to my cheek. That night we slept together and passed out. In the morning he said he'd call me and I thought "not a chance". Two weeks went by and he was forgotten. Then I got a call...
Time went on. We kept sleeping together. It was the first time I had slept with someone more than once. I kept waiting for him to stop coming back but he didn't. I finally felt comfortable with someone sexually and it was intoxicating. I was sure it would just be sex. But he began to talk to me, and I would listen and sympathize. He started coming over and would just talk about all the heartache he had in life- about his parents divorcing, about the girl who broke his heart. He told me there was no one in the world he couldn't live without. He told me about the other girls he was sleeping with, but I told myself I had no right to any feelings on the matter. As soon as I stopped thinking he was going to disappear, he would. And when I stopped craving his attention, he would suddenly pop up again in need of attention from me. I felt so validated every time he came back to me, and he did every time I would reaffirm him. We were just like the Greek myth- I was Echo and he was Narcissus. I started to realize I would need to break away from him, because his heart was so full of self love that there was no room in it for me. And sometimes it seemed I would be willing to make myself an empty shell of a person and just fill my head with thoughts of him.
One night we were at a party and he was with his friends. I caught him alone at one point and tried talking to him and he shut me out. Ok, I thought, he's over it this time. I was talking excitedly to another guy about art. I guess he thought we were flirting and he came by and pushed the guy! I was so confused. He kissed me right there in front of everyone and dragged me by the arm into a room and pushed me down on the bed. He locked the door behind him and unzipped his pants. "I'm going to **** you," he said. I knew that doing it meant I was under his thumb, so I ran out of the room. I went out to my car and he followed. I tried shutting my door but he held it open. "Baby," he said, "I need you. Please... I just need to talk." He looked so sad. Then I remembered he just wanted attention. I started the engine and gave him a dirty look and he stepped away. The next day he called me and texted me over and over. I ignored it, knowing that engaging in it would just fuel the fire and get me hooked on him again. Then he showed up at my door. He stood outside calling to me like something out of Tennessee Williams. I answered the door and he pushed inside.
"I love you," he said. And so started the most volatile relationship in history.
schmetterling13 schmetterling13
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 25, 2010

I understand. The good times with a narcissist are good, and the bad are REALLLY BAD! I am so happy you got out.

yeah I am with someone wonderful now that just shows me everyday just how wrong the other relationship was. I feel like this story doesn't even convey just how bad it was- and this is just how we ended up together... when we were together it was so horrible. I mean, I did care for him but it was because I let myself feel (and he would basically tell me this) that life was nothing without him, that I was nothing without him. And the more I tried to turn it into something real and beneficial the more he would mess with my head to feel better about himself.

I wonder what basic need this need for creating a life so intertwined, that you can feel like you would be nothing without it. I feel like there is a really positive reason that you, we, feel this way, but something that requires a complete understanding to create a relationship (and with what sort of person?) that can allow you to exist fruitfully within this state of love.