Emotional Hostage

Compartmentalize.  That's it.  I am a professional Compartmentalizer.  Something to brag about eh?  I was able to go through 20 yrs of life compartmentalizing each day.  Ok so I got through this one.....then yrs of just getting through.

I left him....cause he would never leave.  That would make him look bad.  That's my job.  I am the one who needs to look bad.  Afterall .....LOOK AT ME WHO WOULD WANT ME. 

So I left....just left.  Didn't go back.  Had to run away ......flee.  Get away from his web.  The kids.....what about the kids. 

I have the Kids back..well he threw them back when he knew I was not going to be suzie homaker for him anymore. 

He can't convince me I am seeing things......That I am crazy.   Not anymore.....He can't do that I don't have contact with him.  The phone rings if it's him the kids answer.  I don't email call ........nothing.  I can't he will just do that crap again. 

The problem is........I don't have any contact with him.........I shut it all down and moved on.  Then why??? Why???

 Boxing up my torment putting it away.  Hiding it in that back corner.    I thought I dealt with that crap.

Then why do I feel hostage to the pain he inflicted on me.  Why do feel pangs of pain and surge of emotions in flashback form.

I left him...........I physically left him.......I got out.............

NOW I NEED TO GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD.    and for that ....... I need to open those compartments......hold on to your horses muffin this is going to be a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggg ride.

flodials flodials
41-45, F
2 Responses Feb 29, 2012

I can totally relate to this! I have been with two narcisstic men. The first one Im very much over. In fact I hate his guts with a passion. The second one.... well for some reason even though we are not together anymore I simply cant get him out of my head. I know what he has done to me is really really wrong but I think of him often and it drives me nuts!<br />
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I think its some kind of emotional hold that you get used to. And after 20 years of being with this man I can totally understand how he could still be in your head but it is a wonderful thing that you dont have to deal with his crap on a daily basis anymore! So well done for getting out!

Working on it. Thanks for your kind words. I know I need to change alot about how I feel about myself. Reprogram my mind. Fun fun

I hear ya sister......