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Self Image

I try to see myself as I was.  I am not too sure anymore.  I think I was pretty.  I remember one day leaving for work passing by the school yard right by my house.  I was in my early 20's.  There was a young boy about 6 or 7 years old running by the fence as I passed.  I would look over at the kids playing as I walked to work.  It always put a smile on my face. 

Whats your name...he called from the yard..

Whats yours?  I reply

We have  a short convo as he follows me walking.  Your really pretty.....he says.

Why thank you!   your kind. 

The bell rings and off he goes. 

I smile walk to work he's made my day.  What a cute little guy. 

See there I was pretty.  I clung on to that compliment as I still do.  Yet somewhere in there I lost all sense of who I was.  My Idenity.  I forgot who to look out for.  I was so busy making sure he was ok.  I lost me. 

Early in our relationship he was trying to impress me.  Hold on to me.  I know see it's because I was a great catch.  Yet why did I create such a monster for myself to be inlove with.  I groomed him to become the perfect narcissist.  I dove into the abyss of chaos he created for me.


He had been looking for me one day I had stopped for a drink with my friend.  He lost it on me asked me why I was hanging out at a bar with a bunch of guys.  My gosh I was 21 yrs old and sitting on a patio with some friends.  I shouldn't have fun without him though. 

I think it became apparent on the day he took me to see Stomp.  He was trying to make up for the fight.   I loved anything to do with dance and music.  What an amazing gift I was so excited.  Front row tickets!!

I am sitting beside him so happy ear to ear grin enjoying the show. 

One of the cast notices me and makes a point of looking at me everytime he comes on stage.  I am enjoying the show smiling and holding his hand. 

Thank you so much......as I turn and look at him.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?...why are you flirting with him.

What are you talking about.?  I am so confused.

The guy on stage ........your flirting with him.  I know how it works..

WHAT?  I am watching the whole perfermance.

How come he looks over here all the time.  I thought it was at me cause he's a brother....

It's you your FLIRTING!

How could I get someone to notice me I am in the audience i don't have a sign saying look at me....he's just working the audience.  He's a performer!

Yea right.  I know you. 

He didn't talk to me the rest of the show. 

On the walk home... I tried to explain to him how absurd his acqusations were...

"Thous doth protest to much" .........shakespeare

That was it.......no more talking about it. 

How dare the attention not be on him.  How dare it not be about him the entire time. 

Chaos from that point on.  he kept me in chaos. 

Then the comments......look at you.  do you really think someone would look at you?
You had to be doing something.  Your warped. 

Then bombardment of comments. 

What self image......I walk by a mirror today and I see the image.......an old lady in pain.  that's the image I see.




flodials flodials 41-45, F Mar 11, 2012

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