And here I was thinking the guy was a sociopath. No, he's just a narcissist. Like that's supposed to be comforting or something.. Well, here's the story.
When we first met, I thought I was in love. Oh the butterflies in my stomach, heart racing, you know the dreadful drill..
He acted like he fell in love with me too, that the feeling I felt was mutual
(he would later admit he never did feel this way and his intention from the start was to bang me, then head over heel me to break up with my current bf so that I could continue to have sex with him, he still denies ever saying this, blaming memory loss as to not take responsibility for his obvious vindictiveness)
We were inseparable, spending countless hours and days laying in each others arms in a clouded state of delusional happiness. Thing is, I was pretending to be perfect because I wanted to keep him by my side. I was afraid that being myself wasn't good enough. He was my soul mate (will be proven later on as a definite fallacy), I couldn't let him go.
All those fantasies of meeting my price charming, he was it, down to the blonde hair and blue eyes, he was the one I would dream about that would take all my problems away.
I needed him to love me and to never abandon me. If I was perfect, molded myself to his approval, then he wouldn't leave me. I honestly never thought that what I was doing was wrong.
Somewhere in the middle of it all, I got so lost and confused. Started to believe my own lies about myself and us. One night, I remember thinking, he loves me so, If I admit to him I would always hook up with men at raves, not for sex but, for the attention they would smother me with until the drugs wore off, he would be ok with it.
After that incident, he never looked at me the same again.
The next day on the bus, he said to me, "you're not the angel I thought you were".
He figured out I was just a phony. Then to get back at me, destroyed me to a crisp that went on for two bloody years, on and off. What a mess..
I don't blame him for seeking vengeance but, two years was far too much. I had learned my lessons, paid my dues, he even said he forgave me! So what gives? It was only three months that I was putting on this facade. Turns out he was pulling his tactics of cruelty long after it was over. Even after I stopped being fake and began to be my true insecure, low self esteem self, told him all about my fears and past traumas and my tendency to get attached, consumed by guilt and shame for what I had done, and finally admitting that I fear rejection and care about what others think of me a lot, just basically opened myself to him in the most vulnerable way possible,
he still made me die a thousand deaths and counting.
Yeah I did lie to him, I did pretend to be innocent and holy and seemingly, like an angel. I just wanted to be good enough. I didn't want to be the attention seeking girl I would be at raves, In search of a lonely soul to make me feel wanted and loved for those few hours. I wanted to be his One.
He played the field well. All mysterious, all his friends and even strangers looked up to him like he was God or something, doesn't ever say sorry no matter what, doesn't care about the women in his past who "wronged" him, whether real or imagined, does whatever he wants when he wants, extremely sexually attractive and has that silent, touchy charm.
I don't know why he would want to get back at me so viciously and for so long, when in those three months, he was never really his true self either.
Maybe it was because I fooled him and he fell for it and due to his superiority, that should never ever happen because he's too smart to get tricked and to get so attached, I don't know.
But, whatever the reason, he did succeed in breaking me.
I'm a hollow shell of my former self.
If he ever sees me in this state, I know he'll be proud. He got me back, got me good. Got me better than I did him.
But, my intention was never to hurt him! I had to do whatever it took to keep him from abandoning me and If it had to be being fake and telling lies about my life and acting like someone else, then so be it.
I knew not what my actions did to others, I was only 16..
But, no matter what I said to him, my pleas would fall on deaf ears. He already made up his mind about me, and no fact or revelation was going to change it.
I could see it in his resentful eyes. He really despised me.
Why are all his relationships fleeting chaotic emotional roller coasters that end with, "Yeah my ex, she's crazy." And after my encounter with him, my relationships were crushed and now, nonexistent?
And why didn't he ever apologize for all the horrible things he did? Does he feel remorse? Does he even feel an ounce, a shred of sorrow in his beautiful frozen heart? Do mountains of tears ever stream down his ivory cheeks when he thinks about how badly he's effected the lives of the women he's been involved with? How cruel his punishments had become? Does he realize that he preys on the weaknesses of women (specifically those with abandonment issues) to get what he wants? Will he always hide behind mother when he needs to be protected by the wrath of his actions coming back to him? Will mother continue to turn a blind eye to his wicked ways? Will mother always reassure him that he's a good boy when really, he's the bearer of destruction and also of needed change?
Has he ever genuinely apologized to anyone before? Why is he the way he is?
If I were to write down the things he did in the name of justice and later on, plain amusement, It would far exceed the deceit I did to him. This doesn't make what I did justifiable, just trying to point out that I don't believe I deserved every single thing that he put me through because It far outweighs what I did to him by a long shot, seriously.
I can't even write down what I did for him to be with me and what I put up with... It's that personal. It's that shameful. Just thinking about it makes me want to punch myself in the face for how stupid and submissive I'd become when I was with him.
Submitted to his every command like a f****** dog just to keep him from leaving because him leaving would mean the death of me.
Everything was on his terms. I wanted to see him, "No, I'll let you know when I want to see you." When he wanted to see me, "It's right now or never." Talking to him is like stepping on eggshells. If I disagreed with whatever he said, he would get really upset. If he felt that whatever I said was a personal attack on his flaws or If I was trying to tell him what to do, even give advice, he would get angry. I stopped saying what I truly felt in fear of ******* him off.
(But, the months leading up to the end, my sense of giving a f*** vanished and I started speaking my mind, many times profusely and violently, which most likely helped in ending the relationship).
It makes me mad that nobody else sees this side of him. Or maybe they do but, they refuse to openly talk about it.
I would often go into rage mode (sometimes I did make assumptions though) when he would say things and do things to deliberately tick me off or intentionally humiliate me in public or when the reality that he doesn't love me at all, he really is an ******* and things will never go back to the way it was before would settle in. His friends and family would see my reactions and simply decided I was crazy. Never questioning him. And never once did anyone ask to hear my side of the story.
One day these people will see that I'm not all to blame. That the handsome boy they don't really understand plays more a part in his destructive relationships then they give him credit for.
At least I know that I'm not insane because when I'm not with him, my emotions are stable. When I'm not with him, I'm free from his senseless, irrational wrath of sudden revenge. When I'm not with him, I'm free of his coaxing ways and am no longer his outlet, his canvas, where he can express his feelings onto me. I'm no longer blinded by his beauty and broken promises.
Since he's been gone, I finally see what my friends were trying to tell me.
When he broke it off with me, it was a month after I quit my job to be with him.
I figured, he's pushing me to do it, maybe he wants to spend more time with me?
Alright, done and done. We used all my money to fuel his crack habit and our alcohol habits.
If we weren't on something, we would be at each others throats, sometimes literally.
Though the drugs weren't ever my choice of poison, it was him. For some reason, no matter what he did, I would come back to him and he knew that.
Boy did he know that.
After my money was all gone, he left..
Sometimes I would think that my imagination misconstrued the truth of his actions. But, not anymore. Now I realize he's a narc and there's nothing I can do about it. Only thing to do now is let it go and move on.
So thanks Z, for showing me the flaws in myself that attract men like you. I got a lot of work to do indeed.
TheHogwartzJanitor TheHogwartzJanitor
18-21, F
Aug 16, 2014