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Adolescent Abuse From Family

I love my family very much. I don't know quite how to tell my story in short, but I have two older sisters, one younger brother, a father, and my mother who passed away recently. My oldest sister and I have never gotten along, my other sister and my brother were just roller coaster rides, constantly going from awesome to hate between us. My brother and I were both on the receiving end of physical violence from my oldest sister. She had a lot of mental issues. My dad was never around, always at work. My mother was a compassionate woman who never wanted to get involved. Through a string of events, my whole family eventually hated me, because I fought back. And I finally (after years and years) stood up for myself and after that didn't work, I called the police. My sister was able to persuade my mom into believing things about me, which led to a terrible relationship with her, one that I can never make better now. My brother would go back and fourth from 'being on my side' to 'being on her side'. My other sister who usually didn't get physical, said terrible things to and about me. Most people from where I am from (including extended family) believe horrible things about me because my whole family said things about me to their friends. I feel lost. I only have a handful of friends from elementary school. Not many people like me, the ones that do... I feel restrained from becoming close to them because what if they haven't heard the rumors? What if they hear the rumors after we get close? I can't stand the shame for things I haven't done or said... But I still feel like I've done or said these things... I've been attacked for so long... I left home at the age of 17... From there I started being homeless. I got a job, found a place, got evicted because I got laid off and couldn't afford it anymore, and am back to being homeless 3 years later. I go between my friends parents houses, I feel like I wear out my welcome because I'm so used to people hating me, so I switch about every week or two weeks, keep going back to the same people. I feel crazy. I don't trust anyone. I have terrible mood swings, I have no family, I have few friends that I feel like don't consider me a friend anymore because I don't return phone calls or answer phone calls, text messages, or emails. I just hate constantly venting to them, I don't like putting them through it, but every time I talk to them I feel the need to open up because I have so much going on. Even though I'm out of the house, the abuse goes on. I've heard ridiculous things about myself, and wonder how can anyone believe ANY of this??? I am a human being, not a monster... I can't even picture a monster doing half the stuff my family says I've done. And it's all because I opened my mouth. Because I stuck up for myself, my brother is in the clear because he kept his head down until he was old enough to move out... I feel like I should have done that. It's been almost 3 years since I took myself out. The abuse started a little over 8 years ago. I started sticking up for myself about 5 years ago, and I called the cops on my sister about 4 years ago. I used to write poetry, but at one time I realized my family had found my binders and were going through them. I burned them all. I don't want people in my head. Especially people that will twist whatever I say or write and turn it into... Something terrible. Anyways, I decided to look for help, maybe my story can help someone. Anyone looking for someone to talk to can come to me, maybe we can lean on each other til we get through this. I don't know when it will get better. I feel like 3 years should have been enough time since I'm not hearing how terrible I am on a constant basis.
mml24 mml24 18-21 Mar 14, 2013

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