Sometimes I Wonder If It Was My Fault Or If It Was Even Rape At All

I was raped by a cousin of mine. I have always felt guilty for it for a few reasons. First being that I had messed around with him as a kid and we did that for several years (we were young and curious...it happens). One night I was laying with him and he wanted to mess around and I did not mind at first but he wanted to put his penis inside of me and I told him no we could not do that. I guess he thought because we had messed around before that he had the right to give it to me when he wanted. I got frustrated and just pushed him off and tried going to sleep. A lot of what happened is blurry but he forced my legs opened, was inside of me and it hurt. I wasn't a virgin but I was dry since I was clearly not turned on. I wanted to scream but didn't since we were in a full house with my aunt and my other cousins. My aunt is a sickly person and this would kill her. So I let him finish just laying there feeling nothing inside hoping he would stop and that he didn't get me pregnant. He turned me around, pulled my hair and said "You are going to f-ing suck my c.o.c.k. and like it" Now I was really scared and he roughly pushed me down and forced me to suck him off. I couldn't breathe and in pain. Eventually he got his rocks off and he went to sleep while I just laid there. I still feel guilty and while my parents know we didn't want to say anything since it would break our family up. Sometimes it bothers me and other times I just keep it moving. However I do not find him a threat. I think in his mind he really did not think he was doing anything wrong and thought we were just having fun. It is what it is.

However I was not sure if it was rape for a while. I guess because we were supposed to mess around that night anyways and we had messed around in the past. Not until I told a friend did he tell me that was straight up rape but sometimes I am still unsure.