Fading Memories Make It Easier

When I was child, I got spanked frequently. I don't think I was that naughty, it's just that my parents had anger and they took it out and my siblings and me.  My dad had a 6" (I think) wide belt with a lot of holes.  It hung on the wall behind the basement door until we moved when I was 8, and then it hung on the wall of the LIVING ROOM!  I was absolutely terrified to even walk past it.  

I think primarily it was not just the pain it represented, but the fear of never knowing what might push them to use it.  It could be as simple as complaining about a chore (And we got a TON of them), or asking why (which as a naturally inquisitive person, I asked that word a LOT without even thinking it).  I do remember one TERRIBLE spanking when I was 4.   

I was told to make my own breakfast.  I told my mom I didn't know what to make. She said there was left over oatmeal in the refrigerator in the metal pan.  She was standing in the kitchen talking to my dad.  I asked her how to cook it.  She said put the oatmeal in the microwave.  I asked for how long.  She said 2 minutes should do it.  I put the pan in the microwave, and asked how do I make it say 2 minutes?  She said 2-0-0-start.  Not once in that dialogue did she tell me metal can't go in the microwave, so to this day I put the blame of the next chain of events on her.  (Let alone being made to make my own breakfast at 4.)  I did exactly what she said.  Pushed start and 10 seconds later *BOOM* The microwave went off, and the house was dead silent.  My parents turned and said to me "WHAT DID YOU DO!??!?"  

I was horrified.  I was crying before they walked over to survey the damage.  To let you know the magnitude of their fury, my parents had saved for MONTHS to get a microwave, and I believe we had it for about a month before this had happened.  Yeah, they were angry to say the least.  My dad, who had been on his way out the door, stomped over to me, grabbed my hand, dragged me to the basement door, grabbed the belt, and started wailing on me.  I was screaming by 5 whacks.  I think I may have gotten 30-40 whacks that time.  I don't remember it ever ending.  All I could remember screaming was, "I'm sorry!! I didn't know!!!"  I remember the guilt I received as I was told my dad could lose his job for being late, and it would be all my fault. I was never cuddled afterward, was never told I was forgiven.  They were mad at me for 3 weeks. (or so it had seemed to me).

These memories surface from time to time.  And when they do, they are as real as if they happened yesterday.  However, as they surface, and I remember them, they start to fade.  And the fading memories make it easier.
ANewCreation4Him ANewCreation4Him
36-40, F
4 Responses Dec 15, 2012

OMG You were just 4!!! Just a baby words fail me :( how does a 4 year old make it's breakfast ?

The way I did, LOL! :) I know. I still make my daughter's breakfast. She's 8.

And me to for mine they r teens but love to make sure they have decent food.... although the have been Many a complaint. When I try do English roast. Dinner Haha but they have a point I'm dreadful at it ))

:-( :-( :-(

First of all I am sorry that you were beaten at the age of 4 with a belt. Your were a 4 year old child, your mom should have been taking care of you and making you breakfast. Not telling her 4 year old to make their own breakfast and use a microwave. That whole scenario was her fault and to even use a belt on a 4 year old is absolutely horrific and disgusting. And anyone who wants to say otherwise I will fight them tooth and nail until I'm blue in the face. Then to be blamed that your dad could lose his job for being late cause he decided to whip your behind? Wow, I would love to personally take people that do this, strap them down and pretty much torture them in the same manner. My dad spanked me with a belt, but it wasn't a beating, and I didn't even get hit with it until I was seven and got caught trying to steal a candy bar. Big difference between being spanked and being beaten, abused, and neglected. I hope you know you didn't deserve that, no child does. :-( I am so so so sorry

Thanks for your comments. It was abuse. No question about that. I am not repeating the cycle, thankfully. My daughter will never experience the horrific memories I have. I asked her once what her saddest memory was- she said not being able to play the claw machine. :) I guess I'm doing a great job with her!

Oh my God... I'm so sorry about that aquiet1... I am pro children's rights and a strong opponent to physical discipline of minors. This story touches my heart. Really.
When I was a child, I was never spanked. I was somewhat abused in other physical ways though. My mother had a temper from hell when mad and since in my culture it's not common to spank children, she just pulled my hair, pulled me, smacked my face or whatever part of me she could grab. I remember being knocked off my highchair because I wouldn't eat.
Why am I telling you this? Because I think my need of being disciplined by my husband in a loving and controlled way is therapeutic to me. I am rewriting my story and addressing issues from the past, because just as my mother, I too have a very strong and explosive temper which he keeps at bay.
You need to be careful though... It's possible that at some point a hidden memory rises to the surface during certain circumstances. It happened to me once and it's common among people who suffered abuse as children. My husband was mad at me, he forced me to take a spanking and brought me by force to our bedroom. I lost it. I panicked. All I could think of was running away. My fight or flight instinct kicked in. I was hyper ventilating and it took my husband all his psychology skills and strength to restraint me and calm me down. I was trapped in my memories. It was VERY scary. We needed a lot of talking to understand what happened.
This issue is very well treated in the appendix of the DD book, "How to give a spanking ", it was very helpful to us.
I'm just warning you, just in case it happens to you at some point. ;)

Trust me, dear, this has happened to me. I do understand this full well, and I can relate. I slapped my 3 year old nephew's face in anger and I cried, I apologized to him and NEVER hit another child in anger again. There are times these feelings surface, and my husband knows how to get my attention. He calls me by my mom's name and I turn white and stop. Then we go and talk about it. By then I'm so remorseful that I beat myself up worse than anyone can.

OMG!!! thats harsh, sorry you had to go through that.

yeah, for 4, that was harsh. My parents spanked out of anger. To this day, I have a very separated relationship with them. It wasn't just the spanking, but the punching, slapping, kicking, belittling, name calling, those were worse than any spanking.

thats tough sorry