I've only recently admitted that I was controlled by certain bullies for two years in school, and got to like it. In fact, there was one sadistic boy in particular, but I was the kind of boy who was a general target for anyone. I was a small, skinny boy with a little face who always looked at least four, if not five years younger than my age. This kind of makes me sad, but I was lonely in school because I was seen as "uncool", so that even my friends didn't want to hang out with me too much.
It was dead easy for the bullies because mostly, I walked around on my own and I was their absolute favourite target. Because I lacked company, the bullies became my company. This one fearsome, sadistic boy became obsessed with bullying me. He made me sit next to him in class and forced me to greet him in a friendly way. He smiled at me and pretended to be nice. He cynically did this to ensure I was complicit in his bullying of me. He created this false friendship, so that I would feel so ashamed about letting myself be bullied, allowing him to control my life, that I'd never tell on him.
I didn't realise it at the time but I enjoyed all the attention he gave me. He had isolated me from most of my classmates with his ritual humiliations of me. For example, he would force me to get up and put his rubbish in the bin, in front of the class. He'd tell me that unless I did this, he would "beat me black and blue". Once other kids see you like that, they either don't want to be your friend, or they think "oh, he's a good little victim, can I join in next time". And the more that I complied with his wishes, of course, the worse the demands got, and his threats became worse. I can tell you more if you're interested?
But at least this bully boy, with his friends sometimes, were interested in something about me. I had a use for him. I got to like being used. Even now, I find it hard to describe him as horrible or nasty!
When I left school and went to college, I realised how much I missed the bullying! Nobody was interested any more in how vulnerable I was. Why did nobody want to take advantage any more? I felt rudderless suddenly. I thrived on any little comments that any students made about me being vulnerable, especially girls. I still do miss it.
I've realised that the psychological results are similar to being abused as a child, getting to like your abuser and being unable to tell. It was, largely, our secret, between me and that bully boy.
When I finished school, I bumped into that boy in the corridor, and as usual I stood stock still and looked scared of him. This time he didn't touch me. It was all over. It was strange because I hated him but we'd also made this weird connection through the abusive, constant bullying. In a bizarre way we both knew we were going to miss each other. He especially was going to miss his favourite victim.
Now, this boy was straight. But the truth is that boys ganging up on one weaker boy, or a one-on-one situation, always has an element of sexual excitement. He teamed up with his mates, and pursued me on his own. Regardless of sexual orientation, the bullies get excited, maybe even get a hard on, thinking about humiliating a weak boy and planning out in advance what they will do to their victim!
As an adult, I have gravitated towards bullying types and allowed them to control my life to some degree, not even realising it was a bad thing. It just feels normal.
One of my girlfriends was a bully, and nearly all the girls I've dated have made fun of my slight frame, some subjecting me to "strength tests".
rolledgoldboy rolledgoldboy
Aug 28, 2014