I Feel Like I Don't Belong Anywhere

NOW before I start on the negatives, I want to say that I do not regret the choice my dad made.  It made me who I am today, good and bad.  I can adjust to new situations like nothing.  I can read people easily and I am confident in myself.  People would be surprised to hear the following story/side of me, as it does not show.  To others I appear happy and put together.  I hope this helps someone and I hope to meet others who know what I am going thru as most people do not understand!!!

I spent my entire childhood moving.  Between the age of 0-17 I lived in 6 states, 2 countries, and 9 houses.  I was brand new my senior year of highschool. My family was a close knit christian home.  But I am very independant so as soon as I was 18 I bolted from home to find out who I was.  Out of habit I continued to move around and moved across state lines four more times.  I inherited emotional problems from my dad to add into the mix.  SO here's a short timeline/list of what I did when I left home:

1.  Experimented with drugs.  I never got addicted thank GOD; but I experimented with coke, ecstasy, acid, shrooms, and of course weed.  Not to mention regular drinking.  My boyfriend was the main influence here as he was a pot head. 

2.  Had a 7 yr relationship with an angry, emotionally abusive guy.  I remember bawling my eyes out and he would keep screaming at me, walking out on me, manipulating me, and making me feel useless.  During the 7 yrs he physically hurt me roughly 6 times.  It was mainly shoving me into the wall throwing things at me or spitting on me.  This definately worsend my depression.  I cut myself not in a suicidal manner but trying to feel something real.

3.  I made friends easily, and was usually the one people would come to for help and just to have someone listen to them.  I cared.  But when it came to myself, I would cry alone and in private and felt soooooo alone.  I never felt like I "Fit In" anywhere, I always felt like I was the outsider.

4.  Finally I became strong and angry enough, and I finally left my a**hole boyfriend after being married to him for 2 years.  He doesn't know where I live or work or what my phone number is.  I ended up meeting a wonderful, loving man who is patient and tried to understand what I am dealing with.  He is my answer to prayer.

5.  I am now 26, and 12hrs away from my family.  I still battle with feeling like I do not belong anywhere.  I feel like I want to keep moving, as if I am searching for something.  Because I have moved so much I don't attach to places.  I attach to people, but with limitations and boundaries.  I want to "belong" somewhere, have roots.  Let people in.  My boyfriend has lived here his whole life so it is hard for him to understand.  I think he is worried sometimes that I might up and leave.

More than anything I want to happily marry my awesome boyfriend.  We want to buy a house together and eventually have kids.  He has a wonderful family that lives here so I do have a family base I can enjoy here.  I want to feel like I FINALLY belong somewhere....I don't want to feel like I just need to move again.   I am glad I found this site, it helps to understand that I am not alone and how my childhood life is effecting my adult life.  It helps to understand the why and the how.

airforcechild82 airforcechild82
26-30, F
2 Responses Feb 17, 2009

Being a Military brat has it's ups and downs. Many civilian kids have the same problems...looking for belonging. I found that my military brat friendes were more understanding and thoughtful..it just was.<br />
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I'm 52 and thru life many seek to find themselves. I suggest reading Dr. Phil's "Self Matters" I read it and it will help you realize who you are, in strength and weaknesses. It will help you understand your personal boundries.<br />
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I really do care about you so you can have a life without regrets. Many people look great on the inside, have great jobs, but struggle within. Why not make it all possible/work.<br />
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I keep in touch with a lot of military brats...great friends. I just found one whom I was in 6th grade with in Japan. We shared some laughs.<br />
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I believe that life should be full of memories, little regrets, and a few very special friends. I struggle in my marriage(first and only one, waited till I was 40), but I cannot change her, just how I am.<br />
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Keep in touch,<br />

A lot of what you're describing is really common to military "brats". None of us can truly understand that sense of belonging that most other people have. This feeling of rootlessness can cause emotional problems but doesn't have to. I hate to admit how long it took me to settle down. You have to look at your life from a different point of view and embrace/be secretly proud of your background and this feeling of separatness. It's what makes us special. I actually feel sorry for people who have not had the chance to see so much more of the world and cultures like we all did. I also feel that we are military veterans ourselves - although not with any pay or recognition.