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Scared

Before I turned eight, I don't remember much. Maybe the occasional memory surfaced of the screams from my mother and the crying of me as a preschooler every morning as she expected me to magically wake up and dress myself at the tender age of four. My father tells me that she had done some other inconsiderate things to me before, but I wouldn't remember. Then I turned eight, and since then, I feel like my whole life has never felt truely happy and carefree. My parents got divorced, but my mother refused to go for she did not have the sufficient income to survive on her own. And so she stayed. To this very day I remain furious with my dad and blame him for her living here, and my disgust towards myself grew. He explained to me that mother had stole money from him to pay off her debts; she had never loved him. I began to see that my mother had no mother-like qualities, only control and obsession of dominance over me. And so I began to hate my own mother and for years I had built a wall between us, my dad as well. I am an only child so I was alone for years and my parents and I only said two or three words to one another a day, excluding the days when my dad would "abusively" scream at me or mom when we didn't do anything his way (I don't know whether it was verbal abuse or not). Mother and I were terrified to do anything except cry alone. Mother, on the other hand, has mood swings and one time she threatened to hit me with a hammer, the weapon was poised in her hand above my head. I can hardly stand up for myself and fight back. I'm so scared whenever I'm around either of them and my friends don't understand why I can't forgive either parent and love them. Our relationships have gotten slightly better if not tolerable but I want to keep distance away from us. I don't know who I can't stand more: mother, father, or even me.
Ninjastar19 Ninjastar19 13-15, F 1 Response Feb 27, 2012

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Have you talked about any of this with anyone, Nin? If youl'd like to understand things a little better, check out the works of John Bradshaw; his book (or the video series that appeared on PBS) "Bradshaw on: the Family" will give you some insights and understanding that helps. Best wishes for you, sweetie.

Yes I have but my friends don't understand how I feel. They are awesome friends and all but my situation is uncommon(?) thank you for the recommendations though. I'll check them out :)

I was thinking of you talking with an adult; an aunt, uncle, or teacher maybe. Its a good thing that your friends don't understand—good for them, but it doesn't help you. Be well, sweetie.