Family Hate

I was 13 when my dad died. a week after the funeral my mother was sleeping with most of my dads single friends or divorced friends.  She was setting an example for my two sisters Ginger and Barb. My mother was looking for a ticket out of the small Minnesota town we lived in.  When she did find the perfect guy (he was breathing and had a job) she married him. He was an alcoholic and a child abuser (the perfect pair).

It was then that my life took a drastic turn, I was now being held (at age 13) responsible for my four siblings behaviors.  The girls were sneakingout and the two boys were stealing from grocery stores by breaking and entering. When the two boys got caught shoplifting I was beaten with the buckle end of a belt and pummeled with closed fists.

I was admonished for not teaching them not to steal.  I have scars that will never go away and it was then I began fearing people. I had been abuse since the age of three, now my newest abuser used me for his private punching bag.

I had a teacher call the police and was told that I most lilely had it coming (1964).

In1967 my step dad got killed in a one car accident on the west side of Bozeman, Montana, near Manhattan.

Since then my siblings have blamed me for all of their short comings.

Christmas of 2008, I was told they no longer wanted me as partof the family.

Imagine me, I did not have any children out of wedlock, never shopliftedf nor did breaking and entering and I didn't sleep with people just because they were breathing. Ok so I'm a misfit

Micayla Micayla
61-65, F
5 Responses Nov 28, 2009

Micayla,<br />
Wow, I dont know how often you have spoken of your young years, or what you shared here, but I'm sure you have gotten some bennefit, just as you may with your couselor, or friends. I was deeply in love with a woman who had a simular life untill she also got off on her own. I dont pretend to know you, but reading your reply and postes here makes it clear you are a very strong, and healthy woman in more ways than I'm sure you can see. Like the kind words the anthony offered you, its telling how you have been strengthened by your life, in that you have had to deal with these things, and still do deal with them, and yet you still see that Jesus is right beside you, and always has his hand gripped firmly on your arms, ready to remind you he is always on your side, and will never be any where but on your side advocating for you. You will forgive me, I hope if I lack the ability to express my thoughts in the correct manner. But I take the example of Jesus when I try to explain things, in that his storys seemed to stick with us best. I would love to be able to keep sharing my thoughts and shortcomings with you, because I find so few people who are willing to addmit, as I do, that I too, at all times, feel alone. I have more friends than I can count, but even in my circle of best friends, I'm alone. I know when I get down on me, and forget that I'm here, with this body, and this set of skills, and tools, to learn and what I'm to learn is not always or often realy? made clear to me ever. I do find a lot of peace though, in this story that was shared with me by one of the most perfect people I'v every known. I will not mention his name, but will use his call sign. Judge, and his call sign was given him while he was still flying for the US Military. Judge had flown in more than one battle zone, and was at the time I met him a very high ranking Officer in charge of the opperations in Iraq, when I met him the "war", that is Pres. Bush had stated that Operation Nobel Eagle, ie the war in Iraq had come to an "official end", granted nothing had realy changed on the ground, but the all out bombing, had ended and every major city and viliage in Iraq had an occupying unit in "charge". Things where calming down a bit, or where at least at a lull, and at this time, units where afforded the time to take a hour or two on Sunday to worship in thier own way, or in some instances even as a small organized group. After all the things you can imagine or maybe even that you yourself may have experienced, that could occure to a person in an active role in a ground unit in the beginning of the war in Iraq. I can only say that for myself I never was given more than the time it took to salute, after placeing a buddy in a black vinyl back, zipping it up, and sending them away in the back of a truck. And when the time came to care for 10s of thousands of Iraqi's to be burried, the thought of "feeling bad", or of considering anything that had taken place, or the feeling of saying a prayer, also never crossed my mind. You simply do the task at hand, and even when it was a best friend, you just had time to salute, pick up your rifle and press on. Well the time came when I was among the ruins of Babylon, and afforded the chance to have a moment to pray and contemplate the new chapters in my lifes book. Well I wandered down into the caticomes down into a place that was assumed to be over 600 years old, and in one of the cells I was exploring, I was startled by the Judge, he was praying, and after a moment he knew I was "feeling", the weight of things I'd seen. Judge told me that in one of these sells Daniel was confined before he was offered to the Lions. Judge explained the story a bit more in detail to me, and asked me if I had an idea of where Daniels strength came from. My thoughts where a bit scattered, and I was at this time unaware of Judges rank, since he was in a pair of shorts, a T shirt, pair of boots, and had a bandana wrapped around his head. My ideas led back to what I was thinking of, that seemed to consume my thoughts at this hour of my day. Judge said, you know Daniel was no more Jesus like, than he or I was, Daniel, nor any of the 12 deciples where any more Jesus like than he or I was. And in short, Judge told me he tought that Daniel had strength to do things most would consider only Jesus to have, because he believed Daniel, like Jesus, knew that God was not in Heaven waiting to pounce on us, for our mistakes, or to punnish us severely for our failures, and times we discount his lessons, or his laws. Daniel like Jesus, knew that God was watching us, and Like a lesson for Our Father on earth, on how he should be, and how he should act, Our Father on earth, if was looking out the front window of our peacefull home, and our father on earth sees us with our friends, some provokeing us, some warning us against what we are about to do, but we are on our bicycle and about to go over a huge jump, it is folley, our father knows we will fail, and be injured, but he has warned us, he as sent us advisors, and examples of why not to try the jump, and our father has even warned us himself in his voice in our head, but just as our Father in Heaven, our father on earth must look out the window, and watch in agony as we wisk toward the jump, knowing the pain and tears we will experience when we fail. After the deed is done, and we lay not knowing if we can get up or not, when we do and we crawl inside to ask for help and comfort. God and our good father on earth, dont rejoice in their chance to say "I told you so!" they just pick us up, bandage our wounds, hold us and let us know that the pain will pass, and ask us to please know how much they hope we have learned our lesson. Judge said to me, " I hope my kids see me to be that kind of father, and I hope they choose to be that kind of father some day". If God sent us his Son to teach us to live by his example, than I have to think that what Daniel, Jesus, and Judge believed to be the example of how to be a father here on earth, is True. I do, and although I dont have everything worked out yet, I always see my Father in Heaven looking at me just like described in this story, each time I get down on "ME" for things I'v done, or doubt my worth or wothiness. I hope you like the story.

You are so kind, not many people offer or show kindness anymore some of it is lip service. I have a genuine circle of real friends and my Chritian friends all understand my persoanl dilemma.

I do belong to a church, but for the past month was ill with what ever was going around. I"m bgetting ready to visit another church. I like the pastor to be connected to God and the Bible. I don't want sugar coated sermons, nor do I want a pastor who is afraid to tell it like it is.<br />
I accepted Christ as my savior in 1975, that doesn't mean I've been a good person since then. It just means I'm forgiven and Jesus intercedes in my prayers. I have a strong faith as a born again Christian.<br />
I didn't get to where I am now on my own, I had devine intervention as i went through the trials and tribulations. I've never really been alone as I always had God to talk to and Jesus as my comforter.<br />
I am a prayer warrior and pray for people like Fred Phelps and his ilk. I dont ask "What would Jesus do? I ask' "What did Jesus do?"<br />
I still screw up, but I know God is a God of many chances and i am forgiven not perfect.

I'm involved in a national organization that is a grass roots movement to advocate for the mentally ill. I have friends around me who are understanding and accepting, When I severed ties with relatives and birth family I actually began to feel better.<br />
I have trust issues and I talk to my therapist about them. I've been rejected by fellow Christians and so I just talk to God and Jesus as I know with them I am okay.<br />
Live has been adversities and through all of that I managed to remain connected to God and Jesus.

I'm a loner, scared to death of men and not interested in women. <br />
The pain continues but I've severed ties with every relative to avodi any more pain