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You Couldn't Make This Sort Of Stuff Up!

I'm not gonna get all negative on you. I'm a happy, healthy mum of two who is on EP when I should be doing the housework. Its my day off from work and I dont want to iron a pile of clothes though, so here I am...

I did have a horrible childhood. Together with my older sister, we were brought up in a family of practising Jehovah's Witnesses (I say practising because from what I saw, they never actually got it quite right), until my parents split and my mother ran off with our next door neighbour when i was 9, and sent us to live with our grandparents (who hated the intrusion into their retirement) for a couple of years. She would visit us occasionally, but mostly we didnt have contact with either parent until one day she turned up to collect us and take us to live in another county with her and her new husband (the next door neighbour we had always called Uncle Doug and also a Jehovah's Witness).

From the first day we arrived, my mother made it quite clear that her new husband came before us(probably because she is a very materialistic person and he was a successful accountant with lots of money) and our lives at that point spiralled out of control.

I never worked out why, but they both began to live the high life, drinking and smoking and celebrating Christmas and birthdays for the first time in our lives (which at the time was great for us as we got presents). Maybe they'd been so strictly governed by their religion that they just went a bit crazy when they left it?

Anyway, they drank every day. Lots. Then they bought a freehold pub in Wales and moved us 450 miles away from anything we'd ever known to live and work in this pub with them. I was by now 12. My sister originally came with us but decided she couldnt stand it and left to return home to Buckinghamshire. To this day she feels guilty for leaving me, but I dont think of it that way and definitely dont blame her for anything.

That is when my real problems started. I now lived with two alcoholics, who quickly fell out of love with oneanother. My 'stepfather' also had a penchant for creeping into my room and molesting me. In the daytime when I was at school I used to dread home time. I remember forgetting my housekeys and having to stand outside in the snow for an hour and a half until 5.30 when they opened the pub because they wouldnt come down and let me in as punishment for forgetting them. My 'stepfather' was a control freak in the extreme and my mother was just a selfish, drunken, aggressive person who preferred money to her children.

In the pub, there was guest accomodation with separate access and exit from our own living accomodation. On one occasion I crept across to one of the guest bathrooms to lock myself in and bathe in peace without the pervert finding me. He found me and kicked the lock off the door to get in. He hadnt planned to be heard, but the noise alerted my mother and she found him 'cuddling' me and 'helping' me have a bath. I was 13. At that point I thought my life would change and that she would know what a disgusting pervert she had married...but she started screaming at me for being a filthy little '****' trying to taunt her husband away from her. From that day forward I detested her. Part of me died. It was the part that could send me into a burning building to save her if she was trapped and the bit that would enable me to go on to cut her out of my heart like a tumour.

They carried on in much the same way and I spent all of my time with our cook (we served food in the pub). Although it was never said out loud, I knew that people knew what was going on and that the landlord was a pervert. It made me feel worse that they knew. I felt like a non-person because they said nothing and let it happen to me. (As an adult, I never walk away when I observe something I think is wrong or sinister. I think it helps me put right the wrong right. I also now realise that some people are just the sort to walk away from stuff that isnt their problem)

They sold that pub when I was 15. I was still at school doing my exams, but they'd landed a sack full of cash from the sale and drove off into the sunset to spend it on more booze and some other business venture that they would later ruin through their alcoholism. They left me living with the cook and her family, which was absolute bliss. I remember feeling so relaxed knowing that they werent going to spring up from somewhere and it  start all over again.

I have always had a strong mind, so I dont feel the need to take any of the blame for what happened to me. I was a child and deserved love and protection that wasnt there. I have some issues with intimacy and probably a whole load of other stuff if I sat down and thought about it for long enough, but I dont. I did more so when I was younger. On occasions when Ive felt like I couldnt cope I have tried counselling, drugs, drink, even sex. The counselling wasnt for me. I didnt think the counsellor was very experienced and I felt awkward sitting in a room with a silent woman holding a box of tissues, eagerly anticipating some sort of outburst. Ive always had a sense of humour, and I used to sit there with my Venezuelan counsellor ( we really struggled to understand each other), repeating my last sentence again, then asking her to do the same for me as she held the tissue box. At first I thought she had a cold till I realised that they were meant for me, haha. It was like a bad sit com.

My mother and stepfather moved away and I saw her a few times over the years. Lots happened and I gave my mother many chances to turn herself around, but she never rose to that challenge. When I had my first son 17 years ago, she wasnt really interested in him and I definitely didnt want her to be any influence on his life, but in the interests of being a fair person I decided to give her one last chance.

One daty she took my beautiful 10 month old baby boy out for a drive while I was working. She had asked to do this and as she had told me that she had stopped drinking and gone back to the Jehovah's Witnesses, I allowed her to take him. When she returned him, she pulled up outside my house, opened her drivers side door and fell into the road, drunk as a skunk. With my son sleeping in his carseat in the back.

I thought I might die with the shock. I was so scared that he couldve been killed. I felt so awful for giving my lovely, innocent little baby to her. What was I thinking, believing that she'd actually stopped drinking!

I havent seen my mother since that day. I was firm and I rang her when she was likely to be sober to tell her that she would never see my son or me again. My son is 17 now and I have a 7 year old that she has never met. She probably doesnt know that I even have him. I dont allow any one to know exactly where we live, incase she turns up out of the blue. Not that she would. She tried to find me via a relative some years ago because she said she had grandmothers rights and that she would take me to court. I laughed at that. I doubt she could stand up long enough to hear the evidence against her.

Her husband the pervert died of lung cancer last year Ive been told. She apparently has made utterings that she would like to see us. Of course she says she has stopped drinking and is a Jehovah's Witness again. Man, they arent very choosy who they let in these days.

 

 

est941 est941 41-45, F 6 Responses Mar 15, 2010

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When I was 13 my mother left my stepfather and moved in with another man. This man and I did not get along. At 4 o'clock in the morning I had a bad toothache and i went into her room and asked her for something for the pain and he told me to leave my mother alone because she was tired. We got into an arguement and he kicked me out of her house at 4 o'clock in the morning out. I had no place to go. So I walked the streets. I thought my mother would come after me and let me come back. I thought she would tell him not to do such a thing, but I was wrong. <br />
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I never forgave my mother and it hurt so badly that she would choose him, who she only knew for three weeks, and allowed him to do that.

Yes, that's true. I couldn't imagine doing that EVER to my daughter. I am always gonna put her first, no matter what happens. I don't know how my "mom" could live with that. Of course, she's been a "good" mother. I still miss the mom I had before she married him. :( But it's okay...WE ALL HAVE TO STAY STRONG FOR OUR CHILDREN!!!

I completely understand you not being able to forgive your mum. <br />
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A couple of years ago my sister found and challenged my mother about what she allowed to happen to me. It was while her husband the pervert was alive and well, before he was diagnosed with cancer. Her reply was 'well, there's no point raking over it all now after all this time'. <br />
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I didnt expect her to say otherwise really, as she was and is and always will be selfish. She knew what happened because she was there and allowed it to happen. Not because he beat her, or because she was mentally weak (she is a strong formidable match for any man) but because it may upset the financial equilibrium of her life if she had to be seen to do something about it.<br />
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I think any woman who willingly allows a man in her house with that knowledge shouldnt be forgiven. As far as I'm concerned, I was put on this earth to protect and nurture my children, to keep them safe, even if I have to die doing it. It doesnt make me a martyr, it makes me a mother.<br />
Our strength comes from our unfaltering protection of our kids, so always take comfort from the fact that you'll never abandon them in their hour of need.

Thank you. I have tried to forgive my mom. I have forgiven her for some stuff, but I cannot forgive her for not caring what her husband did to my little sister. I can't forget or let alone forgive that she doesn't care and still accepts him in her house. Anyways, i am staying strong for not only myself but for my sister and my daughter. I wish you the best.

natycuevas: Thank you for your encouragement. I may well return to counselling, although good counsellors are fairly expensive here. I am looking into hypnotherapy at the moment because I have heard that this can be great. I'm particularly interested because I like the idea of it more than regular cognitive behaviour stuff. That sounds like I'm just being lazy and don't want to think too much about it all. Which is probably true.<br />
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Im sorry that your mum chose her husband over you. It changes everything for us, doesnt it?<br />
Some people say that we must forgive in order to move on, but when you have given a person many chances and they refuse help, they just become a liability. I know that if I ever contacted my mother, the toxic cycle would begin again because she is one of those people in life who isnt prepared to accept that she may be at fault. She has been thrown out of most pubs in her area and has few friends left in the world and yet if you asked her, she would say that she only drinks socially.<br />
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I hope that you are a happy person like me. You sound very kind and caring and I wish strength and peace for you. I really appreciate that you took time to comment, thank you again :)

I am sorry that this happened to you. I can relate to you in how my mom chose her husband over all of us. But you seem so strong and mature. I know that this still may be affecting you, but look at you now. You have become a better person than her and you have learned what NOT to do. I know that we can't go back to the past and change some stuff, but we all learn somehow. Some don't, of course. But I feel that you have learned so much and you are such an admiration! (:<br />
On the other hand, I would've totally hurt her if it was my baby driving there while she was drunk. I don't know if she would be alive or not. I feel for you, but I recommend trying therapy again. I mean, there are some people who you would love. You just have to test out a few therapists. You know?<br />
Good luck in everything that you do. I wish you the best and Stay strong!!