6 Years Old And Been Through More Than Normals

Being in foster care for the 4th time in the 17 years of my life is kinda ridiculous. The first time is vaguely remembered in my thoughts. What i do remember is the reasoning of being in the system. Hiding the bruises became harder and harder after they got bad enough to interrupt sitting down in school. When you feet start to ache because having to stand on can goods for hours while holding phone books on your for arms got too familiar. Getting in a straight line with your three older siblings was always agony. On top of keeping the biggest secret of being sexually abused by your oldest brother life seemed to start seeming dream like. I finally realize at about 10 that nobody could help my pain, I know it doesn't seem like a lot to go through in 17 years of life but the above story was just from 5 or 6 to 9 years old. Life didn't seem to be getting any better, The only person i could go to died when i was just turning 11, My mother continued to go down hill after my grandmother pasted. I couldn't take anymore abuse, physically, mentally, sexually, or emotionally. i had to start standing up for myself, at 12 years old i started to be promiscuous, i lost the only thing i had left to a boy who i thought i loved. I realized that loving someone couldn't happen because i don't even know how love feels like. I was so confused about so much my sexuality was a major confusing thing in my life, I got put back into foster care for the second time and i was very angry and didn't understand what anger management was. I couldn't control myself. Growing about without a father and barely a mother was hard. I just wanted someone to love me and i was determined to find it. No matter what it took. I started to drink and smoke cigarettes and marijuana, then that wasn't good enough, so pills and the occasional experimenting with other drugs that i didn't even know what they were because i didn't care enough to ask. I soon got put into a residential facility and had to stay sober just until i could go on home visits to start self medicating again. I met my first actually girlfriend there, she was a "love" feeling too. i got out when i was 13 and went to live with someone i didn't know, he called himself my father. I was scared because i heard what he was capable of but i didn't actually know myself. But i soon found out, running away just made me look like the problem again, but i continued doing it i could take being hit and being a disgrace to his life anymore. My feelings were hidden behind a wall that i put up gradually in the 13 years of life. my 14th birthday consisted of my best friend my older brother making me a cake, and spending time with him and then leaving to go hang out with people i called my friends. I wish i would've spent that whole day with my brother, we slowly started to grow apart, now i'm 17 and hes almost 19 an we don't say more than 3 or 4 sentences to each other. He was the only one who understood my pain. I got put into another foster home thought third time was a charm and i wouldn't be stupid enough to go back but i was i went home in Sept 2012 with my mom and my sister. My sister dealt with her abuse her own way, shes following in my mothers footsteps, she has 3 beautiful children 2,1 & a newborn. She had a life like the rest of us. Her and my oldest brother are mine and my 19 year old brothers half siblings. I refuse to talk to my oldest brother because of everything. I'm back in foster care it is January 2013. My mother tried to put me in a hospital because she "was scared of what i would do" so i got evaluated and what they came up with was that i just need to go back on my medicine because i wasn't suicidal or homicidal. My boyfriend of only a month but my friend for 3 years had been there and i'm so scared because of the disaponintment and disappointing that has occurred so many times in my life. I don't want to lose him or ruin anything that we could possibly have. He has helped me heal from so much of the pain and trauma I've encountered and he has his own problems but he always seems to put me first and i don't understand the worthiness he sees in me. If i could stand up in front of all the people who have tried to break me down, who have hurt me and shattered my heart i would say one thing THANK YOU!.for making me who i am today. Yes i will have my moments and my troubles in my life but things are getting better for me and will continue.
adultatsix adultatsix
22-25, F
Jan 22, 2013