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When My Father Lost His Job In 1987 We Had Nothing

we could not afford holidays, hair cuts, clothing .. even as kids my mum made clothing and I had a lot of hand me downs... and we did not have money to waste... we went without at times and rented and moved a lot ... we used to work to have pocket money and for xmas presents as kids...

I had to leave the catholic convent school I was at as the fees were just so expensive.. I had a nervous breakdown anyway.. in 1986 being bashed and collapsing.

we had little for that xmas and my grandmother sent money with my great uncle but because I refused him sexual favors he would not give my father the money.. we had no money for basic things at times like sanitary napkins or food or just basic things.

eventually we moved to my grandparents farm and were there for a few months

I had to sleep on a single bed with my sister on a veranda ... there was no bedroom for us .. it was not great living conditions

then we moved to a house at the back of my cousins ... I used to look after karen and robert a lot while there parents were off either having affairs or in bed

I used to take them swimming, picnics, or just entertain them with my keyboards or records etc

I studied home study and went to singing and music lessons

I was involved in the BAYFM radio project my dad started in the redlands .... but still to no avail could find any friends or boyfriend

I had no social outlet at all in those years ... never invited to parties or out anywhere ... money was tight

in 1988 we moved into the house my grandparents bought and I was often depressed and very lonely

I was in a car accident in 1990 and got hit on the head and a bloody noise and battered leg from it


I was ill for a while after that ... no one to help me get through it

I never had fashionable things or entertaiment things... we made most of our entertainment for our selves


I recall looking after my cousin and often playing games of make up artists hair salons and using the shower recess as a lift

I think I entertained that many children .... I felt like a child because no one seen the real me... no one seen the beauty of me

no one seen the woman in me.... and I guess I looked young

I was so shy I used to hide behind the curtain when stobby relatives came to visit ... I felt very very very inferior to my older cousins

I felt like I was NOTHING next to their BLONDE TALL OVERBEARING PRESENCE...


most of my youth was filled with dreams of music and singing and modeling and wanting to go to university and be a someone

I used to love all my records that ment so much to me... but its like one day they suddenly ment nothing

all the Bowie albums. all the Ice-house albums and heaps more ... and the 45" just became left overs

just like all the Teen Pop magazines ... and movie mags ... I had so many of those music teen mags ...

all my princess diana stuff became nothing.... all the doll collections I had I got rid of...

I think the only thing that did remain but has got lost since was a make up kit collection I did ... it had like 15 or more books that covered everything in make up for teen... and I used to keep a tight inventory of my make up ... and when I bought them ... to avoid infection etc


in 1992 I got into TPC at Bayside Community College now tafe and did Drama, legal studies and media etc

I liked drama but I was so shy... what I loved was legal studies ... and I seemed to be ok at it...

sometimes I wonder were my youth went

I never had a real friend the whole time ... never did the fun things that teens do ... like nightclubs and parties

never drank alcohol or drugs... never had sex with guys... (well after everything with Bill why would I ...I was male phobic)

I had my cats and dogs and garden ... and dreams ... of finding a nice man of having a career .... my panic attacks and depression plagued me

being bashed in the city only made it worse.

then I met Joyce ... and everything changed for the worse...


czaristacrystals czaristacrystals 36-40, F Jun 11, 2012

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