I Had to Raise Myself

When I was 4 my mother and I were talking. Suddenly she started crying and said "Heidi, I can't hear you!" since then I had to raise myself. Before then I didn't understand what a dad was. I didn't know alot. No one taught me. Once my mom stopped hearing, I was on my own. She can hear to a certain extent. But she doesn't bother anymore. I never knew black people existed, and as a result I was the only openly racist girl in 1st grade (I didn't understand it was wrong). Luckily, after all the elementary years where I had the brains but no actual useful intelligence, I took a stand and said I wanted to be nice, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be a good person. I taught myself all I've learnt and my mom has no control over me, wich she hasn't noticed yet, because I'm not rebellious. My mom had a ton of surgeries and stuff when she was a kid, and almost died alot. Turns out one of the surgeries messed up her hearing. Because she almost died, and then went on to have kids, she thinks I'm a miracle, the same with my sister. I realise I am a miracle in a way, but the life I live isn't an easy one. Because I'm use to people yelling to communicate, I don't have good hearing when people talk softly. My mom stopped feeding my family when I was 13, so my stomach actualy shrunk and now I can barely eat anything, as a result I'm anorexic, anemic, and at risk for diabetes. I loose weight at random and my lungs are hard to breathe in, so sometimes I actualy forget and gasp for air. I don't look or sound like her. I don't even feel like her daughter. I understand that she's my biological mother, but a mother is not just DNA, but also a person who cares for you and raises you. She picks fights with my dad and has a short temper over the most ridiculous things. She also has bad balance, and she's wrenched my glass wrists off my arm countless times. I got to the point where my best friend/big brother tries to take me away from time to time because I can't stand it anymore. It's so depressing. It's a world where I'm all alone, and I forget to ask for help, and once I leave for school theres only a few people there that won't make it worse. No one understands. Someone once said "Oh, you sing, that's so cool, that your mom can't hear you" and in the result of being alone I've written hundreds of songs to releive these concrete emotions that fill up inside me. I have a SMALL amount of people there for me, but in this house you forget anyone even cares.

It is hard to fully describe, but she's NOT a mother. She's like some obnoxious roomate I'd never keep contact with. She can barely hear and once I move out she wants me calling once a day. It wouldn't be such a hassle except she doesn't even know it's me calling when she picks up the phone, gods knows why she even tries picking up the phone! Yeah, she means well, and IT'S NOT HER FAULT SHE'S DEAF BLAH BLAH but shes never been there she's never helped she's never going to be able to she's so shallow and narrow minded that I can't even be myself everything I do is weird. I hate her and I'll never let her see my children, they might become influenced by her. I'm 14, and as soon as it's legal, I'm leaving, and never coming back.

ActressTea ActressTea
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 2, 2009

Take ASL at communtion ycollege or you can find a deaf community in your home town. Where you from.<br />
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First things I need to asking your mother's background where she grew up hearing ? before her hearing loss .. Your mother might learn to not allow sign language fm your grandparent. I have heard of lot of many hard of hearing people lern ASL in collge. Important to socialized of your encourage to go to deaf chuch in your hometown so you can learn around over there,either. if you lives in very small town and it will be very hard to find deaf. <br />
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Most of time Deaf live in large city.

Wonder you can sign language to your mom? I have a two grown daughter use American Sign Language to communicate better than yelling her. It is consideration to discourage daughter or Deaf Mother?

wow! What a childhood.You must realized that your mother or anyone else would not do this,if they were well.Please talk to someone and share your story.Maybe at school,You must know there are People who could help you understand more clearly.I will be praying for you,and you pray too that everything will work out.