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Emotionally Unavailable Mother

Ever since I can remember, my mother has been both emotionally and physically abusive.  She always had to have complete control, she was the one that my little sister and I cowered around.  My dad was great, but he was constantly working, so hiding behind him only worked ever so often.  Being home alone with her was just a living hell, but we kept quiet and did what we were told.  She was a stay at home mom for many years, but she did absolutely nothing to try and spend any time with us.  Her place was on the couch watching Oprah and other various daytime tv, while my little sister and I would do chores, or be left alone.  Neither my sister or I have any real memories of time spent with my mother, only a few forced so-called 'family outings' and those happened when we were a bit older.  When we were in the house, we were constantly living in fear, and made to keep dead quiet.  We never really got to experience the care-free ways of normal kids.  There was absolutely no noise, no friends over ever, no fun.  When we were young our best chance at having any sort of fun was running lose in the neighbourhood and playing with our friends...another thing our mother really didnt give two ***** about.  The physical abuse also started early.  Didn't take much for her to bring out the spoon, the soap, and even the belt on a couple of occasions.  And of course hitting.  She was always a very nosey person, and had to know exactly what you were doing all of the time.  If you didn't let her in, she would become passive aggressive, and very emotionally agressive.  Yet, she was never anyone you could come to and ask for advice or talk to about problems.  The few times i attempted that, she would give me a look of disgust, and tell me to GROW UP! My mother was never an encouraging person.  Later on into my school years, I excelled highly in my studies, with not so much as a 'good job' from her.  Grades were never good enough, I could always strive higher.  My sister and I were also forced to go to bed at 6:30 every night untill 6th grade. She didn't do alot of groccery shopping, and the only food we really got was canned stuff, or the cheapest of the cheap.  We went thru life pretty malnourished, and we were always getting sick.  Later on in middle/highschool I lost interest in caring.  My parents finally got a divorce, and there was no more dad to hide behind.  My mother won full custody over us, and raped my dad of all of their combined belongings, sending my dad far away for work, as he could not make ends meet in our hometown.  Eventually we only saw him once every few months, which turned into once a year.  Being at home with mom everyday was a living hell.  I started rebelling, doing drugs, and not going to school.  My mom would try and keep me in but I eventually learned to become physical right back.  She baught an alarm system for the house which went off everytime i left....but i never cared.  The physical abuse got my worse during these teen years.  We would be getting into fist fights nearly every other day...and i would find myself so enraged with her, i had no problem punching her right back.  She would throw me against the walls, pull me by my hair, bite me...it was awful.  When she drank she become a moron, and again her passive agressive side would come out.  She would try and have inapropriate sexual conversations with me all the time, and ask really personal questions about any bfs i had.   When i started doing harder drugs, she suggested that i try acid.  I ended up doing it. At the worst of my struggles, she threw me at a doctor and tried to get me on meds, i can only assume so i would stop being such a pain in the ***.  None if which worked.  The home abuse ended up so bad that i left at 16 with a boyfriend and never looked back.  I was a cutter, and also popped alot of depression and anxiety meds to try and relieve the pain she has caused.  I eventually fell victim to daily panic attacks, landing me in the hospital almost every day.  The panic attacks got worse, and then lead to agoraphobia.  Since i moved out i have had alot of emotional struggles, and find it near impossible to cope/'forgive her' for all the suffering she put me thru.  Fast forward to now.  I am 23 years old, married, and have a 2 year old daughter.  I have experienced alot of grief, and now i have a ton of responsibility and also alot of guilt laying on my shoulders.  I no longer talk to my mother.  I dont even like to call her my mother, because she never was one to me.  Since i found out i was pregnant, i made a promise to myself and to my daughter, that i would NEVER end up the way she is.  So as of now, she is out of my life completely, and has only seen my child about 4 times.  The last time i spoke with her, she told me she never loved me.  She only wanted to see my daughter, so she could have manipulative control over me. She was not even invited to my wedding last summer, and she has no idea where we are living or how to get ahold of us.  This has hurt me more then you can imagine, but i no longer want to deal with this emotional blackmail.  I hope one day there is a light at the end of the tunnel, i hope one day i can finally get over everything.
dreamliving dreamliving 22-25, F 5 Responses Mar 6, 2011

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I am working on forgiving my parents too. Forgiveness doesn't always mean we have to keep those people that hurt us in our lives. We have to establish healthy boundaries.<br />
My mom was always distant towards me growing up and to this day, she is still the same. My mom wasn't outright verbally abusive, but her abuse was more covert and subtle. Growing up, I was ignored and tolerated and to this day, she treats me the same when I am in her presence. I'm in my late 30'snow and when I am around my mom for holidays, she will continue to talk over me, interrupt me, change the subject, avoid me as if my existence doesn't matter. I have decided to write her off b/c I don't deserve that type of treatment. To this day, she still favors my other siblings--Then wonders why I have such resentment towards her. <br />
The only contact we receive from her is that she'll send my kids birthday cards. Then still complains when I send a thank you note. It's a no win situation. She badmouths me behind my back to my siblings and it has effected my relationship with them. You are on the right path in keeping your mother at bay. Our parents are supposed to love us and when we are mistreated or abused by them, then we grow up thinking that there is something wrong with us. Forgiveness is a process. I am on that journey myself. I never hear from my mom. No email, no phone call, nothing. She tells me that I'm misunderstood by the family. I wonder why? After all of the covert abuse and division she has caused, who wouldn't be misunderstood? I have decided to thank God for a new life. GOd can turn our pain into gain. I am expecting good things in my life and my biological family doesn't have to have anything to do with that. I just focus on my children and husband and building a life with them. Look for a surrogate mother. That is how God can help you fill that void that you didn't have growing up. I'm looking for a surrogate family of friends. Ones who can nurture and love unconditionally. There are good people in the world, just trust in that light at the end of the tunnel. Wishing you peace!

I applaud you for doing what is best for you & your daughter. You both are worth it. I know it's hard, i gave my Mom chances thinking she was different many times, & it only hurt me more. I can tell you are a strong woman, i know this is painful. But YOU are important, you & your family (husband, daughter) (((hugs)))

I'm in similar shoes to yourself, I used to have a strict mother who physically and emotionally abused me when I was young. I went from top achiever to a failure graduate, went onto rebelling and doing drugs to run away from my problems.<br />
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It wasn't until I was about 17, my first employer took me under his wing. Gave me a job and he was a well respected businessman. Now I'm 23, a business owner and about to graduate from college, quit drugs about 3 years ago when I looked myself in the mirror asking myself "What the **** are you doing to yourself?".

That could have been me writing about my own mother there. I don't know what to say to help as I am 31 and still battling to overcome the scars she has left me with. But you're not alone x

You are doing well having the courage to break away from her.<br />
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It is hard for a person who has never been nurtured. If a child has had love and security then they feel safe in themselves to carry on life in years to come.<br />
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There are nice caring people out there and help to overcome your life. it can be trial and error but you will get there in the end.