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My Abusive Mother

My mother verbally aboused me since I remember myself. I am 46 years old and she still continues. Since I was a little child I heard all the negative words: "You are fat!" "why you are not like that nice girl?" You know nothing"  You have no brain" "You cannot think and other puts ideas in your head" You are wasting your life away!" " I sucrifice my life for you and you do not worth it" ...... Thousands of words that cut my heart like a knife!!!! When before some years I try to tell her that I have problems with my husband ( he had other women in his life as well) what she told me???? " Everything is my imagination and there is something wrong with my brain!!! I should be examined by a doctor because everybody from my dad's family has problems. (I have to say that nobody not even my father have any mental problems!!!!) Well I went through depression and when I finally divorced she wasn't exactly happy with it. Even when my daughter told her what he did I was to be blamed!!!   Sometime after my divorce I found a nice person (we are still together) well my mom she told me that because I am the way I am and that is a big failure he will leave me.  But my boyfriend is nice and we are still together happy. There is an ocean between me and her. I left my country because mainly her. I had everything there but I had to go away. Now we speak over the phone mainly and see her in person maybe once in 2 years.  When my daughter visits her the summers my mom speaks about me in very negative way! she tell her how I wasted my life and I was stupid to go University at this age (I finished University in the age of 43 and I am realy proud of that). I never never heard my mom say something good about me to me or my daughter or anybody else! I am depressed since i remember myself. I went through therapy 4 years ago and struggle with emotional overeating among other things.  Did I mention the controling part??? That is something else!!! She is controling  and she always serve the side dish of guild (I sucrifrice my life for you!!!).  When my father was dying I went all the way back to see him for last time and  was " you are so stupid you wasted your money to fly" how can anyone thing of money this time???
I try and try again to break it with her but I am so soft. I admit I did a lot of mistakes in my life looking for aproval anywhere where I could find it. I am lucky I do not use drugs or alcohol really!
I am soft I do not know how to break away from her.  I wish  I could. but at least now I know that I am not alone. At this age I somehow figure out why she treats me like that.  she was physical and verbaly abuse from my grandmother but she could very easily break the cyrcle like i did with my daughter!!!  I  am not a perfect mother but I am nothing like my mom!  I broke the cyrcle of abuse why she couldn't break it???
marilenamariam marilenamariam 46-50 1 Response Mar 15, 2011

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Hi is really heart breaking what you said,but you are a wonderful woman and i'm glad you found a man who loves you and appreciates you and he doesn't make you feel less important or to put you down as your mother did.My father was almost the same as your mother but i end up not even caring what he is saying , he always humiliated me in front of other people ,i went through hell cause of him but i never loved him or feel that he is my father ,we have a very cold relationship , and i know i will be spending some good years of my life going to therapy because are scars that can't be healed.So you are an amazing woman , and sooner or later your mother will regret what she did but maybe it will be too late when she will gonna do it , but are parents who will never admit their mistakes upon their kids and the pain that they caused them, which is such a sad thing. Lots of love to you