Mommie Dearest In Real Life

Whenever I watch the movie "Mommie Dearest", it makes me want to vomit because it is kind of similar to what my own mother was like. My mother always had such a short fuse and is always neurotic. As she has aged, it has become worse. Her histrionic episodes have worsened. However, I didn't always have such bad memories with my mom. My mom also kind of acted like she was my friend and did take care of me when I was sick. I was diagnosed with autism as a child and she did her best to make sure I got the treatment I needed for that. She also bought me lots of nice stuff and always does because I am the only child. It confuses me because I am not really sure whether she verbally/emotionally abused me or I am just spoiled.

When I was a little girl, I was always expected to act like her little adult. Even when I was as young as 4 or 5, my room was always expected to be spotless and she would yell at me and spank me with a sandal if it wasn't. Not knowing any better, I brought my dirty play dishes that I had from outside in the kitchen with her dish water and she would scream at me for it. She screamed at me for having trouble with my math problems, tying my shoes. I also clogged up the toilet when I was little when I didn't know better and she spanked me for it and screamed at me. I felt like I could do nothing right with her as a child without her having a neurotic episode and her screaming at me. Also, when she forgot her swim suits on a trip the the lake one weekend, she screamed at me and blamed me for moving them in a spot where I had them. When she found them, she screamed at me "You better be glad that I have one down here, or ELSE!"

She always expected me to do most of her chores. I was always expected to wash the dishes even when I was a little girl and I was also expected to watch the kids that she was supposed to be babysitting while she sat on her *** and watched TV all day. I accidently dropped one of her kids one day and she freaked out on me and spanked me. When I started crying from the spankings, she would get angrier and spank me harder. It was as if she took pleasure in seeing me get hurt. She would scream at me when my room was out of order, but she would storm in there and clean it. When something was out of line after she had cleaned it, she yelled at me and told me that she worked really hard on cleaning that room.

She also spent hours when I was a kid playing my Nintendo and she was always in my room smoking her cigarettes. I felt like I had no privacy as a kid. She also (and still does to this day) barges into my room without knocking even when I am undressed. She feels like I am an extension of her and that it's okay to see me naked even when I feel uncomfortable. It just wasn't her that treated me that way. My father also made me feel awful. They would call me chubby and fat and always told me how horrible my hair looked and how much I needed a makeover. My self esteem sucks to this day and I am nearly 30. They even called me a snob because I wasn't making friends at school. Instead of helping me, they always made me feel awful and made me feel like I wasn't making any efforts.

I am now 30 and her outbursts still effect me. She also treats me like ****. She always tries to manipulate me and make me feel like crap when things don't go her way. I wonder whether she abused me or not, despite all the things she did to me. That is why I am so confused. I feel bad when I talk badly about her because I love her still and want to respect her. My fiance hates her because of the way she treats me. I love her, but I hate being around her. Her negativity brings me down. It always seems like she has something to complain about and she always things that her way is the way to go. I just feel like a bad daughter sometimes and I have even contemplated suicide a couple of times. She really has effected my life as an adult and I wish that she treated me better.

capricorndreamgirl99 capricorndreamgirl99
26-30, F
May 5, 2012