I Let Go Of The Hate

Ive never had a '' loving relationship '' with my mother. I grew up mainly with with my grandma because my mum did not want to take responsibly for me.
To her, i was a burden and not a joy, and to me, my childhood was something i survived, rather than experienced.
I think back to when i was young, and try to dig out a memory of me and my mum spending quality time together... but it simply never happened. The only times we would spend together would be when there was no other choice.. like taking me for a haircut, or school clothes.. and believe me, everyone one of those experiences was the same.. she would make it clear she was unhappy at having to spend time with me, and always became verbally abusive with me in public, reminding me that i was a burden to her and how she hated taking me anywhere.
I never liked spending time with her, and as the years pasted, my dislike for her turned to hate.. especially during my mid teens when i suffered severe depression.
It has taken me well over a decade to move on from that feeling, to a place in my mind where i can accept the past and not dwell upon it or look for payback.
She's all alone in her life now.. living her life in front of a tv and being hateful to people for no real reason, and from my perspective, it seems empty and sad... and ultimately that's the main reason i was able to let go of the anger, because i don't want to end up living the same life she has.

Im nothing like her, and i never want to be.

DiesSomnium DiesSomnium
3 Responses Oct 31, 2012

i will send you an email.

I'm so glad you were finally able to move on! I am encouraged that I too may someday be able to get my mom and sister out of my life for good. They have been HORRIBLE to me, and I (like an idiot) keep trying to repair the relationships with them. It's nice that my mother-in-law has pretty much taken my mom's place, and she loves and supports me unconditionally :-) I hope you find good folks to move forward with.

So sorry. Was she young when she had you? Nothing can compare to that pain Im sure.

She was 29 when she had me.
Funny thing is, it just seemed like a normal childhood while i was growing up... it wasnt until my teenage years and beyond that i realised how different my childhood was to most other kids.

Thats the blessing in being young, I suppose.