I'm a resourceful, ingenuous, brave, strong and brilliant person... who always felt helpless and miserable deep inside, and keeps feeling that way because I've been treated as and inferior and despicable piece of meat since my childhood. Each and every member of "my" "family" taught to me that I deserved no love nor care, and that not even me myself should pay attention to my own needs and feelings. I'd never be a true member of the family, or of society. When I was a toddler, my mother used to tell me she regretted not to have accomplished her "duty" of killing me when I was a baby and that I didn't deserve or wasn't worthed the air I was breathing (I can yet remember myself asking God to forgive me because I sinned every time I breathed, thus "stealing" a good which didn't belong to me (the air). I'm 44 now, and she had recently told me "you've always been a child who didn't deserve love".

You'll wonder why I on earth I keep in contact with such a *****; well: my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem did influence my chances of success in work and love affairs (I did have a number of notorious achievements, but never felt worthed enough to ask for decent salaries, fees and more caring and respectful lovers). I earn little, I have virtually no savings (renting rooms in shared flats exhausted them), and, to make things worse, I donated HER all my share of the money and flats my father left to us after dying. She wasted it in helping my (literally) criminal sister and invested any remaining bit in a flat which I found for her, after making sure It would belong only to her. This is only the very preface to a whole terror story. 

I happen to be a writer, a translator and a teacher, and also an open-minded and honest person, but I still feel I am not worthed a ****, and probably reatarded, or unmoral, on mentally insane, as all the surviving members of "my" "family" insist on "remind" me of since the beginning of times until just now... 

I guess they sort of loved my "troublemaking" sister so much that weren't able to put the blame on her nor to forgive her, and found out an ill-minded solution: hating me instead of her while sistematically protecting her from the consequences of her own -delictive or not- actions...

As a result, I, the teacher, the writer, the 26 books translator, the former A-qualifications students, the novel artist with five individual exhibitions, the four foreign languages student and the Master of Arts University degree scholar, I, am the pity and the shame of all my family, can hardly afford a room in a shared flat without almost giving up eating, and often think of myself as a sort of ill-formed foetus who will never be able to escape from its own bloody uterous coffin...

Help me, please: friendly, sensible and caring words are usually much more effective than bromazepam, and will at least help me sleeping again... or... God knows.... might possibly help me finding a way out....

H2O2 H2O2
16 Responses Mar 7, 2009

Just to be clear...I meant in my last post don't even try to fix them, they are the mentally ill that won't change , I wasn't referring to you. You,me, are fine!

Your family clearly has narcissistic personality disorder , like mine. Read books about it, it helps. Remember when they say bad things to you they think they are looking in a mirror, talking to themselves. The fact you are so smart , and I bet better looking than they are , reminds them of how inferior they are. I'm also the overachiever in my family too. It's a mental illness that never heals so don't try , I'm happier when I stay away but I get lonely. I wish I had more friends that understood what I went through. I don't want to come off as screwed up so I keep quiet about it. It's lonely. Just remember this, if they were nice to you that would mean you were down on their level, the reason they are mean to you is because you are not sick and troubled and inferior like they are. These types of women are only mean to other women who are pretty and successful . My mom and sister say nasty stuff to any women who are pretty. Jealousy ...envy!

Anti-mother is a great title! I use not-mother for mine, but I once posted a Facebook status approaching Mother's Day: "Can we have an Anti Mothers Day?" my Auntie yelled "no!" in response. I didn't mean to negate Mother's Day for all the real Mothers out there. I just meant to ALSO have an Anti Mothers Day to validate the feelings of all the children who had a "pretend" mother, one who to the rest of the world looked like a real Mother, but in reality sucked the life out of their child and tortured them.<br />
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You go girl, you sound like an absolutely amazing soul and have achieved literally the impossible of growing a beautiful flower without soil or water or sunlight. Hugs!

My mother was neglectful, ignored me and has therefore caused me to become an open target for various predators throughout my childhood.<br />
I think you have to stop telling yourself that your unworthy of love, that your useless, that you can do no good to anyone. Stop telling yourself the LIES that were fed to you (and still continue). You are intelligent enough to know that those were your mother's words and thoughts but NOT your own. Stop the negative internal conversation with yourself. Replace them with positive daily affirmations. This can really help you!<br />
If you believe that everything happens for a reason, then it can help to see that your life was a gift to your family, who CHOSE to squander and **** on it. But YOU won't! On the contrary, you have succeeded in MANY areas of your life so don't be so hard on yourself. Let those old ideas go! Stop being around your family! They will only poison your soul. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE, ACCEPTING PEOPLE. BE OF SERVICE TO OTHERS (it will help with forgetting your troubles) AND LET GO OF THE PAST. YOU WILL ONLY CONTINUE TO GROW! Once you have love and acceptance for yourself, it will be easy to find new, loving relationships.<br />
Just remember, don't let yourself talk bad about you!<br />
Good luck, love is with you already :)

Even as a person who also grew up with a verbally abusive mother, I cannot believe what you have been through. It breaks my heart that any mother could demoralize and emotionally torture her own child like that.<br />
Take a step back and look at all your amazing achievements; your mother doesn't know what she's missing out on. You are an amazing individual with so much talent, and there are thousands of people out there who would appreciate you for who you are. (:<br />
Thank God for the air you breathed, for it has resulted in an amazing person.

Its funny about your "anti-mother" label. This is from something years ago, while I was in therapy:<br />
"... More memories came up, randomly bouncing around my first fourteen years. Some of good times, that I had lost, many of the mundane, daily incessant ridicule, deba<x>sement and degradation Mom would subject me to. It was around this time that I began having trouble referring to her. I would say, “My mm... my ma..o...”, my stomach would twist, and I just couldn’t get it out. I would wind up saying, “My mm..., my mm.., THE *****!”, or, “The ***** who bore me.”. Finally, I settled on calling her ‘The Anti- Mother’, because it described her maternal drive so well, I liked the equation: Anti-Christ –> Anti-Matter –> AntiMater = Anti-Mother, and it rolled so easily off of my tongue.<br />
I hope that your life continues to improve, H2O2, mine sure has.

Every accomplishment you have listed "...teacher, the writer, the 26 books translator, the former A-qualifications students, the novel artist with five individual exhibitions, the four foreign languages student and the Master of Arts University degree scholar..." has proven that your mother was wrong about you and will never truly know you. She will never see you for what you truly are and what you are worth and that is her loss. It is hard to seperate yourself from the trauma of growing up with that, but just know that you are worth a damn and that air you breathed was not wasted. It sustained the life of a truly gifted person!

Hi! I haven't been in EP for a long long time.... Hatemymom, I do more or less what you're doing: Now I'm my own caring-for adult as well as the former helpless child.... I think "we" both make a pretty good team.... the child reminds me of what MY real goals in life are, while the adult keeps trying to hand them to the child.... often quite succesfully....<br />
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Oh, just in case, I have been able to avoid almost any contact for about a year, and it has helped me a lot. A real lot. Well, it's also true that I'm having the pills that family doctor prescribed for helping me to cope with anxiety, and they are also helping. I cannot afford a private therapist, but I managed to get about an hour session of "public" (social security) counseling every three months... it's not enough, but during last (and second or third) session, (the former ones were for asking be about me and my family's history) she (the therapist) told me that I WAS IN FACT healthy, rational, accomplished and strong and I had only to learn how not to let anybody -not even myself- put the blame on me when it is not my fault.... I may seem obvious, but I really needed this "professional" assessing to be "sure enough" that I'm not the disabled one. at all....<br />
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Well, friends, I just wanted to wish you the best and let you know that pills, 2-3 hours therapy and -above all- distance have made me feel worthed, and somehow optimistic again....

I found your story when I was searching for other people like me. One thing I have found helpful is to think of yourself as two people. One is the little girl you used to be and the other is the mother you would be to that little girl. You will quickly realize how badly you were treated when you realize that not only you but every other person on the planet would have been a better mother than she was. I feel like I grow a little when I do this by helping that part of me that was treated so badly.

Oh my gosh, I cannot beleive what all you have been through! That is horrible! Mental abuse should be punishable by law. You are so intelligent, should should be making an extravogant living for yourself!<br />
You have got to love yourself, and reach down deep inside to the person you know you are, and know you have been lied to by others all of your life! I would not have anything to do with them. Set your boundries. Tell them you will only listen to them if they have something positive to say, otherwise, keep out of your life! It will take strength from within, but you do not need to put up with the abuse any more . It is over, don't take it any more. You are better than that. I suggest the other parties get some help for themselves, for they are mentally ill. Please do not take this abuse any more! I'm sorry, if I am too brazen, but I refuse to take abuse like that from anyone, and you should not either!

You got thrown under the bus by everyone. I lived some of what you are describing. No matter what good we do,it feels like we can't own it. I'm not going to tell my story's about you. I can say you are the bright star. Nothing will please them. Don't try..and you have.Being loved and accepted ..being just right with Mom's love, is what a child needs. You were fed so much negative BS..It's abuse.Don't believe the lies.You are the black sheep of the family. This time you are a winner. Thank God you turned out better.The only way you would have fit in, was to be the same.. I think you rock.

I can relate to all of you. My mother left me at the hospital not wanting to have anything to do with me. When my foster parents wanted to adopt me, my father and grandmother insisted on keeping me. My mother hated me. Well, friends, it is through the many sorrows I have gone through that I have learned that God loves me with an everlasting love. Though our father and mother reject us, God will never reject us. He loves us with an everlasting love. I too have been an over achiever but have always felt that I never measured up... Oh my, but I am an amazing woman, created by God to fulfill His purpose on earth to live a life of love and to give what my poor mother could never give.

I'm so sorry about the way your "family" treated you. I myself have a mother that talks down to me, and makes me feel worthless. I feel that I will never be good enough for her, no matter what I do. She instead favors my brother, like your sister has a crimanial history. I don't know why they tend to care more for the person who causes trouble, when there's us that all we want is their approval and does everything right, and never causes any trouble. <br />
It seems like the only time she did take notice of me was when I had some money. Then she would want to spend time with me. I then would lend her money when she asked, never to get all of it returned. I would also buy her things that she liked. <br />
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But anyway, congrats on all of your accomplishments. You sound like an amazing person.

and I undestand you, too.... I was taught to hide from even worse predators (the ones sharing my home) and try hard to disguise the scent of my bloood each time I felt hurted....and now I'm sort of hiding from the ones who were my friends... it's a **** to act as a beasts, just licking up your bleeding wounds.... but every time I asked seriously for help to most intimate "fiends" or relatives, my pain was just ignored, undertaken, or made much worse by stupid and vesanic cruelty of my insane relatives..... why don't we be friends?

Just wanted to say that I read your story. I grew up with an emotionally/verbally abusive mother as well. One who treated me differently from how she treated the other kids in the family. I wasn't a bad kid, I just wanted to be loved equally. <br />
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I can identify with a lot of the things you have said, including low self esteem and low confidence severely affecting my chances at work and in love. I'm 40 now and am still single, and despite 2 university degrees I have not been successful in my career. I have the brains but I cannot relate to people. I still think I am unworthy and that people are going to dislike me so I tend to isolate myself as a form of self protection from "the world". <br />
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I can't offer you any advice, but I can say that I UNDERSTAND. Take care of yourself!

You sound like such an accomplished person in your own right. Be proud of your accomplishments and recognize your value. I do not know why some of us come from such abusive backgrounds? When the people that are supposed to give us a sense of self worth treat us as you have been treated it is because they truly hate themselves. They are to be pitied. <br />
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I understand the hurt that you feel but please make the choice to love yourself. You are worthy of self love. You have value. You are worth loving. I am older than you are and I spent too many years trying to please others instead of pleasing and loving myself. <br />
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It is alright to feel cheated and angry about what you have been through in your life but you can have the peace in knowing that you are not like your mother or your sister. Perhaps you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. So many of us have suffered and we have made good lives for ourselves in spite of our upbringing and families. <br />
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My heart goes out to you. What you can do to start healing your emotional wounds is to keep telling yourself that you love yourself. That you are worthy of love. Keep repeating this throughout your day even if the words are hard at first. Start writing down all of your good qualities and read them over. First of all you are a survivor. This tells me that you have a lot of strength and courage and I applaud you for this. <br />
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You are a caring person for what you did to help your mother out. How she chose to handle this help is on her shoulders. <br />
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You are an intelligent person with a great capacity for learning. <br />
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You are a creative person with your artwork. <br />
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As a teacher, you are a great communicator. who can pass knowledge on to others. <br />
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All of these things I can see by what you have written here and I know there are many many more. <br />
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Know that I will listen and you will find others here that will do the same for you. I will keep you in my prayers for your emotional healing and a brighter future. I hope that this brings comfort to you.