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Emotional Abuse and Neglect By My Mother

My life has been severely affected by how my mother treated me growing up. I'm 40 now, but to this day I still have problems that I can relate back to my childhood. I was subjected to emotional abuse in many different forms. I was often criticised, belittled, made fun of, denied proper clothes, denied food, terrorised, and just treated like an outcast in my own family. She consistently treated me differently from how she treated the others, always letting me know, often in subtle ways, that I was not wanted in the family. Sometimes she would even gang up my siblings against me and they would all make fun of me. She was capable of being a proper mother to the other kids but this was not extended to me. Towards me she was cold, disinterested, I cant even imagine my mother smile because she never smiled at me. I was never hugged by her or told that I was loved. Quite the opposite.

I was not the youngest or the oldest, I was the third girl in a family of 3 girls and 1 boy (the youngest). He was her favourite. She once told me she'd always wanted 2 girls and 2 boys, so I guess she's held that against me my whole life.

I was *always* fed last at the table, and always given the least amount of food. I would watch her at the dinner table serving the food, there was no particular order other than that I was always last. If there was cake, I was guaranteed to be given the smallest piece. Sometimes she'd pretend there were no more biscuits only for me to check the tin later and find out she'd been lying. One rule for them, and another rule for me. I was only worthy of being last, getting the least, or given nothing because she wanted to save the rest for tomorrow. I still have a problem with food to this day. I cannot keep cakes and biscuits and other treats in the house because I will keep eating it until it is gone, (even if it makes me feel sick). Despite the fact that I live alone and it would still be there tomorrow.

At birthdays it was always obvious that she did not give me as much, compared to how she spoilt the others. However, I was always grateful for what I did get, I did not complain. Christmas time, she would often buy my sisters identical things, but not give one to me. At a certain age (8?) I outgrew the second sister in height and so clothes were not 'passed down' to me and I'd outgrow mine. Once when I was 9 I had to get my father (who left all the childrearing to mum) to take me to buy some clothes as I had hardly anything to wear to school. I went to school without lunch because she stopped making it, but would secretly give my brother lunch money. I wanted to have long hair, but she'd drag me to the hairdressers to have it cut short. My sisters were allowed long hair. I wanted to share a bedroom with one of my sisters, but was always given a room alone, the one furtherest away from everybody else. I was once terrorised while she cornered me with a big black spider on the end of a broom, I screamed and cried out for my mother (as any young child would do in moment of fear), only to realise it was her that was actually *causing* this fear. I probably have many more examples that I've simply blocked out.

As a preteen and in my early teenage years I spent most of my time in my room. When I did venture out she'd pretend I wasn't there. I would walk in to the lounge where my mum and siblings were watching tv, laughing and chatting, but when she heard me coming she'd whisper something like "W is coming" and if I asked what's on tv, they were suddenly silent and stone faced, as if I was not there. Simply ignored. If she had lollies, she'd pretend that she didn't but at the same time crackle the lolly packet she had in her pocket and do a few "chews" to show me that she was lying and of course I was not getting any. In the end I simply just stayed in my room as I did not want to be subjected her meanness, and to being made to feel like an outcast in my own family.

I did not belong. I wasn't wanted. I wasn't worthy of the same treatment from her. And she used every opportunity to let me know that.

By the time I was 13 I was doing jobs after school just so that I could buy the necessities that my mother did not provide. I was too scared to ask her for things such as tampons and deodorant, so I just bought my own. I did not earn much but was able to buy some clothes, and my school lunch.

She would turn off the hot water when I was in the shower, with shampoo still in my hair I had to finish with cold water because she thought I'd been in there "too long". If there was no toilet paper she'd say there was no more and to use newspaper, only for a new roll to miraculously appear for the next user.

At a certain age I realised I did not have to put up with her anymore. I discovered boys. I had a feeling that this was "not allowed", but boys gave me the attention I craved. I was a straight A student (as were my older sisters). But I discovered alcohol can make you feel happy and forget about your horrible home life. I started hanging out with guys much older than me. I worked Friday nights after school in a convenience store, as well as Saturday mornings. Nobody missed me at home, I was not questioned. Once my dad found I was staying out LATE (after they'd gone to bed) if I'd been out with my sister, upon returning home I was the one who got beat, she got let off. There were times I'd sneak out of my bedroom window and climb back in cos I was afraid to get beat for 'going out'.

My mum didn't drive, and as I said my dad left the childrearing to mum. We were encouraged to hitch-hike if we wanted to go anywhere (this was in the early 80's) since we lived over half an hour out in the country. If we took the bus there was still a 20 mins walk from the end of the road in pitch blackness at night (no street lighting out there).

Anyway, I accidentally got pregnant at 15 because I knew I would not be allowed birth control. My sister had asked earlier and was plain refused, so I knew if she wasn't allowed, there was no way I'd be allowed either. I had a premature baby at 24 weeks pg, who died. This was a turning point in my life. A straight A student forced to leave school due to pregnancy at 15, how weird was that? Only to lose my baby and be left with nothing at all.

Due to my sense of loss, and feeling of hopelessness, I could not return to my old school (my mother had told them I had got pg and I was the talk of the school), I was too afraid to go back and there were no other schools in my area. To replace my incredible sense of loss, I had another baby (planned this time) at 17. Although parents had been reasonably supportive the first time around, this time they were not. I was almost always in my room with the baby when I was at home.  Each day I'd go out with my baby in the morning, and sit in my car with my baby in the backseat, reading library books in the park. In the evening I would return home. That was my daily routine.  At a certain stage when my baby was a few months old my mother had told my dad she no longer wanted me in the house. It was winter and my dad had prepared a barn for me to sleep in with my then 8 month old baby. He told me that he did not want to have to force me, but I had to go live in there "of my own free will", with my baby. I obediently did as he said and did not cause a fuss. I had to use the toilet and shower in the main house, but had to spend the daytime in that "shed". I cooked in that barn and used the hose outside to wash my dishes. It was not a proper sleepout. I remember seeing a big rat running along a ledge where the walls "met" the roof, there was a gap along there, since it had been a barn, but had not been converted properly into a liveable space, certainly not with an 8 month old baby. It was freezing cold in there but I tried to keep warm with many blankets.

Anyway, that is enough of my life story for now. Since I'd left school so young, I caught up my education by correspondence once my daughter started school. I then went on to study at university, while bringing up 2 kids alone. I was 31 when I got my university degree. I was living in poverty but somehow I managed.

There is a lot more to this story that I haven't told. Including how we all moved halfway around the world when I was 9 and how we all went back when I was 18. I did not last long in what was by then a country foreign to me (despite the fact I was born there) I couldn't speak the language properly and at age 19, with 2 kids under two I flew back halfway around the world to the country I called "home" I had no qualms about moving as far away as you can possibly go, from the rest of my so called 'family'. It's not as if they cared, I had no emotional connection with them, I did not feel any love or acceptance and was mostly ignored. It was an easy decision.

It meant I had to live in a trailer park for a while, and then on to substandard accomodation. But heck, anything was better than nothing.

So now to the present. I am 40 years old now and my kids left home already 5 years ago. I have been a single mother this whole time. I have had boyfriends, but of the ones that wanted to be with me, I was always mistreated. I never had a relationship longer than 1 year. I have never lived with a man. Due to my upbringing I cannot form healthy relationships due to my low confidence and self esteem. I have been poor for most of this time. I only started a proper job once I got my degree in my early 30's, I spent my 20's bringing up kids singlehandedly and gaining an education, I had been forced to leave school at 15 with no qualifications. It took me YEARS to catch up.

The problem now is that I cannot function very well at work or in my personal life. I have the brains but I cannot relate to people. I am very quiet and I isolate myself from everybody else. I always feel like the rest of the world is going to treat me the same as my mother did, and so I keep to myself and don't know how to socialise. I am scared to talk about myself as I don't feel worthy of anything. I still to this day automatically assume that everybody is going to dislike and eventually mistreat me, especially verbally and emotionally. I crave closeness and friendship, but I don't know how to create that. I cannot relate like a normal person. On the outside I look like I'm normal, I dress well (to make up for my own percieved inadequacies), and am physically quite attractive and been told I'm pretty. I look about 10 years younger than I actually am.

BUt my love life is non-existent. I have barely any friends. I can talk to guys but I cannot talk to or relate to women, even though I am a woman myself. I feel inadequate. Like they are going to see "the real me" and very soon they realise that I am not normal, not like everybody else.

So I've gone from job to job, I've had 3 jobs in the past few years, never stayed longer than 2 years. I was disliked in my first job, as I did not befriend anybody and kept almost completely to myself. I'm 100% certain they were glad to get rid of me. (my boss said in a meeting that he had some good news, the good news being that I was leaving). My second job I was accepted more and as I opened up a bit more to them they understood my situation as a single mum and knew that I had brains and was a good worker. But I had to leave that job due to severe depression I developed at that stage. I started to SI (self injure, harm myself on purpose) in order to numb the emotional pain. It was the first time in my life that I had been able to "process" the emotional abuse and neglect caused by my mother. I became suicidal and felt like the only solution was to kill myself. I was on medication and eventually got therapy but nothing ever really helped.

If you have read to the end, I thank you. I am not looking for sympathy, just want to be heard.

IndigoPeachblossom IndigoPeachblossom 36-40, F 117 Responses Mar 8, 2009

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I relate and struggle the same way you do. I married some one who neglects me, but I tolerate it because it's a habit I can't break. I deal with my siblings telling me to get over it. I deal with bad eating habits. But what hurts me more is not knowing joy. If I meet someone and tell them my story. They tell me I'm a downer and avoid me. Please get help for PTSD Type 1. It's not that we aren't able to heal it's just we relive emotions we cannot accept due to the way we had to shut up to survive. I could count 5 times where I almost died. That neglect haunts me.That is PTSD. Type 1 is neglect from birth from a mother figure. Causing severe emotional trauma that sets you back. I struggle everyday. I just want to be like everyone else but I'm not. It doesn't help that I have siblings that remind me. I trust no one.

I'm so sorry you had to go through so many years of isolation and neglect. I too was neglected by my parents, who deny everything.. my mom even told me I deserved everything she did.. My parents have 0 remorse, so I made my decision to cut them off.

As hard as it is, you must accept that there are SOME bad people in this world. People you wouldn't associate with if they weren't your parents... People who don't deserve your love, attention or being a part of your life... with that said, there are others you CAN choose now. An entire buffet of flavors;) what do you have to lose?? You have half a life ahead of you and ability to make rational choices. You can teach your brain with NLP and other techniques to form good relationships. Just read as many books on relationships and self improvement as you can put your hands on, so that you form an idea what a "good" relationship actually is and then don't settle for anything less.
Best wishes.

Even though I'm younger than you (i'm 16) but I understand you and know how you feel. My mother's actions are not as severe as your mother's but pretty similar. I am sorry for everything that you have been through. I hope you find the strength to continue your life happily and peacefully.

most of your story could have been written by me. in a way I'm very happy to hear I am NOT the only one who suffered such abuse. there's always something comforting to knowing you're not alone. when were children and going through all we go through we feel alone and isolated. I have been a hairdresser for more than 30 years I'm very capable of communicating with others. but all my personal relationships end up quite abusive. I figure it is because I am so used to it.it's hard to shake. I spent my childhood crying over short haircut s. I started earning my own money at the age of 6,having yard sales. as a teenager I had to provide for my own personal needs also. I wore the same bra all through high school. it was a hand me down from a friend of my mother's.my mother worked full time was very educated. my father also worked and was very educated. my family ganged up on me also. calling me cruel fat names and I wasn't even fat. I was anorexic all through high school.actually I didn't shake my eating disorder till I was 35.my mother still calls me names.says very cruel and hateful remarks. she believes them to be helpful. or at least doesn't really care if she hurts my feelings are not. I understand her mother did the same thing to her. when I told her about the bra, and she only had one in high school also, she told me she didn't know how to buy me a bra. even though she had at least four college degrees by the time high school ended. Plus work very prestigious jobs.so I'm sure she knew how to buy a bra. she never provided sanitary needs for me either.she told me my hole life the only reason I was born is because my father forced her to have sex with him. I was her only child that was not baptized. this year on 4th of July was the first time I told her I wasn't coming over after a horrible tirade from her.I realize from reading online.I'm not alone.and it is ok to move on.I should not keep extending the olive branch just because I'm worried I might regret it if she died. I'm sure it is unhealthy to be abused just because you're worried someone will died in the future. I appreciate everyone's story and revelations.

I am so sorry for your struggles. I am currently 17, and I live with my grandmother. My mother lives with us, but doesn't work or help in the house. My boyfriend of 3 years moved in to help my grandmother pay bills and help pay for my college, and my grandmothers husband is the only other person currently paying bills for 8 people. My mother is a constant negative entity in our home, and she is pregnant with her fourth child. All of us have different fathers. I even caught her with two different men after she announced her pregnancy. She is a compulsive liar. For example: "her- chase (my cousin) can't eat supper. I want my boyfriend to be able to eat
Me-why should a child go without eating for a grown man to eat?
Her-what are you talking about? I never said anything like that!"
She once told me my grandmother and my father never loved me, that she hates me, and that I'm a disgrace and a liar. I was molested by her husband as a young child and when she was told, she did nothing. She left him seven years later for cheating on her. She tells my two year old brother his father is a ***** and that he will grow up to be like him. She also tells him that she wishes she never had him, as she has said about me. I'm not sure what to do about it. My boyfriend is a very active and positive Christian, even a youth pastor. He is the happiest person I've ever known, but since he has moved in he has been a completely different person. He is more negative, angry and depressed. He doesn't even eat our food because he's scared he will be judged for it. My mother is also a slob. She does not clean up after herself or her young children, and recently we have had a horrible roach problem. She refuses to do anything and when confronted, she completely flips the argument to make herself out to be the one doing everything. I'm sorry for the long response, I just don't want to sound like the stereotypical teen that hates their parents. I have tried many times to have a relationship with her. She refuses to be a positive person, and I refuse to put myself in a toxic situation for the other person to continue the abuse. Please help, anyone. Advice would be highly appreciated.

I hear you! We all have a story inside of us, and every story is as unique and different as we are. I hope you can turn what happened to you into a strength. I would highly recommend finding a counselor you can work with to get professional counseling and learn to trust others , feel worthy and move upward in your life. I have never met you but I can hear in the writing that you have a tender soul and are a good person who has simply been hurt during your formative years. You can move past this and help others. Keep your chin up and know you are a beautiful child of God and he would not make you suffer more than you can endure. Rather he may be challenging you into your greatness. "When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure. "

You have greatness inside. Embrace it!

wow you sound like me in a lot of ways except I never had kids. I'm 31 never been married haven't finished my degree cause I'm struggling with will currently. I think that's why I'm drawn to Marilyn Monroe. I cut my mother off and I don't miss her. Sometimes I feel angry but I know she has her own issues. I feel like she robbed me of the potential for a happy life where I can connect with people. Instead I fear and have a great mistrust of the world. I'm not sure I'll make it to 35 but I didn't think I'd live past 30 as I have a strong desire to die.

I was crying this afternoon, feeling so lonely and with no direction, till I search on google and found this. I do not have the answer to why these things have happened to us, but it is just so difficult to belong. I wish you and me and everybody feeling like this that one day we will find calm and happiness as it is. I think that even being adults we are children at heart and a little touch of affection sometimes leads us to the wrong direction, however I still believe that one day, we are going to be reciprocated without being dependable. Love you even when I do not know you. xxxx Diana.

I am so sorry for your pain! I pray that if you don't have a relationship with Jesus, he is the one relationship you can endure. She was and is sick! You are worthy and loved and though every minute of every day is a struggle to know that, I share your hardship with you. Please everyone do better by your children. Love is a gift and you are the gift.

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Your story which I came across by accident is so similar to my own and I suffer like you even though I am 46...(and like you I look ten years younger!) She constantly neglected me and I was made fun of at school because of the clothes I wore and I was never allowed to play out. She would strangle me by wrapping tea towels round my neck until I fainted and said if I ever told anyone that she would kill my little brother in front of me. Once when I knocked s plant over she gave me a choice of punishment. Either ***** naked and get boiling water poured on me, or get whipped with the dog lead or sit in the snow in the garden named. I chose the first. I was petrified of worms and she would put them in my bed or under my pillow. I too had a baby as a teenager but she forced me to have him adopted at birth. She ruined my whole life and even though I haven't seen her for 15 years I am still affected.

I was abused as a child and as well as an adult. I can relate to your story in so many ways and I have to say it brought me to tears. You are worth loving and I pray that God sends you the person that will help you understand and see that you do matter and none of that was your fault. My story is very long and I have often thought of writing a book, but like you used to be my education is non existing. I would love to hear back from you so that maybe we could help each other and hopefully many others along the way. If you are interested please email me at (mtpalmer @gmail.com) I honestly hope to hear from you I'm no creep and am looking for nothing more than a friend and somebody who can understand what it is I have been threw. You will be in my prayers and I'm proud of you for making something of yourself despite your mishaps. I truly wish I had your strength. Sincerely, Michael Palmer

You are definitely a fighter! I know this sounds cliche, but I hope that you have God in your life! I had a similar experience in life and I have many problems from this, but God has heard my prayers and is always on my side even though I don't feel that I deserve his love at all! I receive little miracles from him on a daily basis! If you knew me, you would know that I don't spout off about Jesus nearly as much as I should. Please ask him to help you to stay calm and at peace no matter what life throws at you! You will feel it, I promise! God bless you and may you have peace and happiness for the rest of your days...

I like Your fighting spirit & wanted to let You know that what You are feeling is 'normal' after what You have been through. Yep Normal. There are so many survivors of abuse out there who carry the weight & sadness of neglect & the hurt of being let down. We are fighters, we hold our heads up high, we can help other survivors of abuse because we know their plight. We can help protect the innocent & we are no longer a frightened minority. You may even choose a profession or volunteer at a refuge for survivors of abuse. Many social workers are in this profession because they suffered abuse, You might find friendship working along side people who have had similar experiences & enjoy helping others who need Your help & experience. :)

I so understand your story and thank you for taking us through all of it. I would just like to continue chatting with you. In my eyes you are a hero. Just keep telling your story believe you are helping more people than you will ever know. I think sharing our experiences is a way of releasing old hurts and replacing then with empowerment.

Wow your story sounds just like my life....I hope your doing better. God Bless you.

I have been told by my counselor that I need to live in the present, but she is still doing it to me and I am over 40, I suffer from terrible mental issues because of her. I am finally able to explain to people what she does to me as I had forgotten so much until she kept bringing up a lie from the past she likes to revisit and mention it to me so that I know that her and my sisters gossip behind my back. I had to cut off most ties with them. I have kept in contact with my mother for my children but she is so mean. I forget she doesn't love me and want a mom so bad and then bam reality hits. I can't get better until she stops. I am so scared to tell her the truth about herself as she will be so angry and say things I don't think I can take. My life is lonely. I feel as if I have woken up with backwards terrible people one day and no Daddy that's when my life changed forever and I was abused. I want to scream. She is the bad one, she is the mean one, I can prove it now, finally after all these years. So I go to a therapist and she says stop living in the past..... I think I want her to go away, but she is my mom and I just wanted to be part of a family instead of an outcast that everyone looks at like they feel so sorry for me being the way that I am. Well my father's family is so much better they never look at me with pity and they have all had wonderful lives. They treat me like an equal not like a diseased dog like these child abusers do...

Thanks for sharing your story.
I have a similar story. The abuse was much more passive in my home. I'm a young woman of 29 and I'm just figuring out that I have to work much harder than the people around me because I didn't have the type of childhood that prepared me for life. The sad part is that your mom, and my mom who neglected me and treated me horribly are working from a cycle of abuse... My mom... It's like she doesn't know any better. I think I was forced to sleep much longer than I needed to as a child... She didn't want the kids around so she just put them in bed... I feel like I was probably left alone in my crib a lot as a baby.
Anyway, my friend making skills suck... I don't know how to let people get close to me... I feel like many of the jobs I've held people haven't liked me.
The beautiful part is that people want to love you, get to know who you are... I think we have to learn how to let them.
I know that what I need is for god to bring the healing etc. it's just hard to want that being that my parents call themselves Christians but are horrible and dysfunctional. Gods not really like that...
Anyway, I pray that you get the healing that you need... And that god helps you form relationships with the people around you.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Ater my feelings of shock and anger, I was struck with the unusual degree of resiliency that you posses--truly a gift you are blessed with. Tonight my prayers to God will include you and your children. I will give thanks for you who have taught me that one's soul can be stronger than one's history. May God bless you and your children with healing and His grace.
~Vickie

I completely understand what your saying. my mom has also abused me but in a very different way then you. I understand what you mean that people will see that your not normal. I don't see like that. many friends that I've had don't care what happened to you, they pretend but you can see through it, so really I just stopped trying. I don't many friends anymore. they've all abandoned me now.
so i'm helping myself.
I cant really say that i'm over my problems but I realized I don't need other people to help me solve then. am I off topic? I don't know. Anyways my point is I get what your saying and if you think you have no one to talk to maybe you can talk to me.

I'm sorry you went through all that with your mum. I hope your emotional wounds can heal. Know that you are not worthless as your mother seemed to think you were. No way did you deserve that kind of treatment.<br />
<br />
How your mom excluded you from the family and singled you out for abuse is similar to the book "A Child Called It." The author Dave Pelzer was abused as you were, plus beaten. He was tortured in various ways, out of cruelty. After he was removed from the home one of his younger brothers took his place as the focus of abuse, discussed in the book "A Brother's Journey", by Richard Pelzer. There were five boys, David's story starting when there were three. With David and then with Richard, the mother was a normal mother to the other boys, made the rest of the family a normal family. They (abused boys) didn't deserve it (the abuse). At least you are not alone. But no child should be treated like that. It is very wrong.<br />
<br />
Dave Pelzer later rose above the abuse he had suffered. As an adult, he has a very positive attitude, able to live normal and happy, and forgave his mother; he is extraordinary and inspirational. He could be an inspiration to you.

I feel I am an emotionally abusive mother to my kids. first off I am bipolar and I am 300 lbs. I was severely neglected sexually abused and I was mistreated and ignored through all of it by my own parents. Now I find it hard to express love physically to my kids I don't hug them too much or show them too many positive emotions I mostly show anger ,frustration and disappointment and disinterest. I am not able to change that. I isolate myself from my family by staying in my room alone. I have an angry 300 lb 15 yr old son, a basket case 19 yr old daughter and finally I have a 9 yr old son who has failed to thrive and acts out for positive or negative attention. I am aware that I have created all this being distant and angry and unapproachable but I feel its too late now . I really don't know what to do and I am sure no one here can help, no one helped the girl close to suicide above did they now?
Please save your judgments though honestly I feel if a smoker admits to not knowing how to quit smoking and needed help they would get it but I am an emotional shutdown parent who is doing the same to her children as was done to her but all I will get from any of you is more judgment and disdain I know it.

Please don't let Your parents cruelty affect Your lives any more. That will mean they succeeded in keeping the chain of neglect going down 3 generations & possibly more. It sounds like Your Son is replacing love and affection with food & they have ingrained the fear of rejection deep into Your heart. Be strong, do not give them the sarisfaction of hurting You through Your Children & Grandchildren. Break Free

If it makes you feel any better that your not alone with such a horrible mother. My mother is the same. I hate her deeply. I wish I could tell people she's dead. I feel sorry for her sometimes but I gather myself. Whenever I felt sorry and went to her she started the same sh-t again and again. If you can try to be close to your children. They are your future. Your mom is your passed. It's working for me so far. It's just that whenever I think about it. It puts me in really bad mood. Iam a woman.

Please help me. I'm 14 and my step dad physically abused me from the age of 2yrs to 13yrs of age. My half sister is encouraged to physically, mentally and emotionally abuse me and my mum mentally and emotionally abuses me. No one knows and people who have known this have never helped me. Please. I'm close to suicide.

Are you still there and contemplating this? If so, please don't! Everything in this world is momentary and fleeting. Nothing is permanent. There is always a way out. That is not it. Nobody, nobody, nobody in this world deserves to be abused. No matter what! Please, for whatever it's worth me taking my time to create a login here just to stop you, please don't. I don't know you but I care about you from one human being to another. You are going throug this now, but trust and believe that "now will be then" and you'll be looking back glad its all over...and you will prosper. Stay positive and get the heck out of there! Now.

Hi I would be gathering evidence such as video tape or mobile phone video recorder & taking it to the police. It is extremely hard for the authorities to convict someone of rape without proof. This means You must not shower & don't wash off any evidence of the rape before going to hospital for tests & to the police. Your Step Father needs to be punished for violating You. There is something wrong with him mentally & this is never ever Your fault. You can speak to a School counsellor, Youth Worker at a Youth Centre or Social Worker at a Community Centre & Google Social Services & Government Welfare Services in Your area. These people are obliged to keep Your information private & can help You deal with getting him out of Your life. Xxx

I am very sorry for how you are treated by your family of origin. You probably would not be surprised to learn that there are others out here very much like you. You deserve happiness.

I'm struggling right now with the realization that not only did my Mother neglect me but the whole family. I raised my siblings with my Dad while she was still in the household and putting herself first. I realize now that my self harm and anger is at her but there is no safe way to release it. And I now know I will never get acknowledgement that she screwed up my life royally. So where do we go from here? Where do we draw the line in the sand to take back our lives? I know we each have our own paths but our upbringing fills us full of doubt as to whether or not its healthy for us or if this is the path that she has pushed us into. I just finished writing her a long hateful letter (that I won't send) and had a bath. I feel better now. Good enough to go searching for help and that is how I found you. Thanks for sharing. I'm sending you a big hug and encouragement to try, just a little every day. Maybe some day you will believe what people tell you. Or at least you will believe that others can understand you and the torment you are subjected to, every single day.

Thanks for your courage to be so open. I so relate to your social anxiety and feel tehexact same way. I am a 51 year old man, professional, and like you considered handsome but I also have 2 failed marriages; both left me for other men, so my self esteem is non existent. Sorry your life was so rough. Thank you for being so open. It wasn't fair to either of us.

Thank you for telling your story. I have been sad tonight, and your story is the only thing that really helped. Because you understand.
My mom had a split personality due to childhood abuse, and made my brother the favorite over me. Both parents were emotionally neglectful to me, and my mom was often bipolar and would be nice and then suddenly turn on me. She seemed to encourage my brother and dad to treat me like an outcast when she was in her mean half, and they would all have fun and ignore me.
Several parts of your story were familiar to me and the way things have been for me, especially:
-"In the end I simply just stayed in my room as I did not want to be subjected her meanness, and to being made to feel like an outcast in my own family."
-"The problem now is that I cannot function very well at work or in my personal life. I have the brains but I cannot relate to people. I am very quiet and I isolate myself from everybody else. I always feel like the rest of the world is going to treat me the same as my mother did, and so I keep to myself and don't know how to socialise. "
-"I can talk to guys but I cannot talk to or relate to women, even though I am a woman myself. I feel inadequate. Like they are going to see "the real me" and very soon they realise that I am not normal, not like everybody else."

Thanks for sharing. I can understand not trusting other people, especially women, after how your mom and family treated you. I have also felt this way, not wanting to talk to women as much as men and being very quiet in general.

Thank you for writing. I feel your pain. I identify with your pain. Thank you so much for sharing.

I just finished reading your story , I am so very sorry this happened to you .I also have had many of the same things happen to me as well ,my mom singled me out and loved my sister but not me , did not buy me clothes , I could only wear my moms old clothes . I got made fun of at times everyday at school , told I was ugly and fat , was not allowed to only have my hair cut short , I was either the devil to her or I did not exist along with physical abuse. one thing that did help me was my mom had to have breaks every 5 or 6 months from raising us and I had a great aunt who was very good to me . Had it not been for her I do not know if I would even be alive . I was forced to marry a man who was 24 and I was 17 . my mom wanted me out of her house I assume , I always tried to please my abusive mother . the man I married abused me so bad physically that I almost did not survive it . I had 3 children with him and for leaving him they were taken from me ( was living in texas) . I have been plauged with constant anxiety and secretly take vicoden to try to numb the pain to this day . I met a man 10 plus years ago he is nice but never speaks to me much , we have a wonderfull so who I am thankfull for everyday of my life . I am 43 now and except for my son I am the loneliest person . I do not know why I never contemplated suicide . I have spent my entire life trying to live a normal life and am obsessed with being a good person. is the only way I can know I am not like my mother . I have a few good friends but feel the low self esteem and social anxiety and do not feel worthy either . I just have to beleive that if I keep working on things that god will somehow bless me and make my life better . no other choice and I do not want to give up . I was touched by your letter and can really understand your pain . I was doing better me and my mom pretended that she was another person and those things never happened until recently when I would not do something she demanded I do . I lost my temper , felt anger like I have never felt and wanted to hurt her . I have finally broke off all ties with her and I have to live like she is dead to me . enjoy my child and am trying to break thru the past so the rest of my life can really count . I wish this for you as well as for myself . sorry so long here , I really understand your pain and I would definelty be your friend if I had met you . thier is nothing we can do to change what has allready happened in our lives but look towards a better future , god bless hope this helps

My dearest Zealandia,

My heart bleeds for you as your experience is exactly the same as mine. I am now 63 and have been punished all my life for not being born a boy. I suffered abuse in the extreme and can remember red marks on my little arms from such a young and tender age. I was always left out, served last and excluded. Basically I was invisible. My sister always had a bright white blouse for school and mine was dingy. I was not clean which is why I am obsessive now about personal cleanliness. My father would publicly humiliate me and degrade me in the streets from such a young age. When I remind my mother of this now she said I deserved it as I was an evil little bleeder and a problem from the day that I was born. My mother would load the guns for my father to punish me. I can never remember my sister being hit.. Never. I went missing from home as a little girl and was found wondering with my dolly's pram some way from home because my parents were not watching over me but concentrating only on my sister, their favourite. My sister is and always has been and always will be the golden girl even though she is a devious, cunning and manipulative liar. So that I would always be reminded of my place in life, my first name is my sister's second name. Imagine having two daughters with the same name which conveniently creates a lot of confusion. Due to this deliberate confusion and when i was out of sight living in toxic sub standard bedsit accommodation,just trying to keep my head above water, my sister and mother between them deprived me of what was rightfully mine which was a bungalow that a dear neighbour wanted me to have as she loved me greatly and would wait for me to come home from school and then from work when I left school. She knew that I was abused and excluded and was probably aware that my mother, father and sister would all gang up on me and ridicule me for my weight and say that I looked like a boy. My mother, even though I begged her not to, would take me to the hairdresser and demand the lady cut my hair in a crew cut. This had devastating effects on me, but when I reached puberty they could no longer make me look like a boy. Due to the horrendous abuse that I suffered I crashed from one trauma, tragedy and abusive/using relationship to another with men who just used me for my body or somewhere to shack up. I have been a battered wife twice but the brutality did not stop there. I have been bullied in the work place, at college, at university and in what I thought were friendships. More recently I was bullied by one manager in my landlord's office who would harass me over trivia and she orchestrated my eviction from my home when I was alone, unwell and without any legal representation. She was a high level narcissist just like my mother. In relationships I have attracted men who have treated me brutally, kicking me, punching me, slapping me and pulling my hair. I was used for a British passport and received brutal treatment in that. Health care professionals have abused me too and went on to breach confidentiality. I can only reach the conclusion that when your parents abuse you and betray you that everyone else does to. A Psychiatrist told me that I was sexually abused as a child but have buried this as it is too painful to deal with. In the last two years I was evicted from my home and then attacked just a few days later whilst working as a taxi driver and my attacker walked free from court. Even the magistrates abused me with their hostile attitude towards me. After I was evicted at the eleventh hour my 87 year old mother said that I could come and stay with her otherwise I would be living in a converted horse lorry. But my situation is now worse and I sleep in the same freezing cold room that I slept in as a child. I am deprived of heat and in constant trouble for dropping water on the floor or for this or for that. My mother constantly finds issues to make trouble over. Because I cannot give her the money that I used to give her due to the after effects of being attacked, she has given me two letters for the local council saying that she wants me out of her home but then the housing staff neglect and abandon me too. It is never ending and quite frankly I cannot wait to be released from this life of on going abuse and bullying. However, throughout all the existence, I have done a lot of work on myself and believe myself to be a worthy person who deserves love and respect. However, I feel damaged, unwanted, unloved and unlovable. My only hope is for peace and rest in the next life. I live in constant fear of ending up sleeping on the streets because my sister is always adding fuel to the fire which she constantly stokes and my mother believes in making me live in a climate of fear as it keeps me in line! My mother has put a knife to my throat, punched me in the kidneys, slammed her fists into my ears and when I had a terrible coughing and choking fit and could not catch my breath, I opened the top half of the front door and my mother slammed this with the cast iron lions head into my side. My doctors practice knows about this, because I reported what was going on in my life in a sixteen page report but nothing changed. My mother poisons the doctors against me. Even the Police know about the abuse but nothing changes. I converted to become Muslim and this seems to ligitimise my abuse. Even the Muslim Community have abandoned me and my mother's neighbours have now closed ranks and have cashed in on the fragility of my relationship with my mother and make complaints to the local council about excess rubbish knowing that this will create more havoc in my life and that this will create more abuse for me or drive me away from here. I am blamed for the excess rubbish. I get blamed for everything. Therefore abuse and abandonment is all I know. I suffer from depression and cannot hold down jobs and usually dont go back because of bullies in the work place. This is just the tip off the ice berg and so dear Zealandia you are not alone by any means. Look what you have achieved though - you have brought up children successfully. I could not even have children. It has been a life of loss for me and more loss and when I read about your childhood and your sadist of a mother, it was mirroring my own childhood. Some people should just not have children. God Bless You Zealandia and everyone else who has suffered the same neglect, abandonment and abuse. Personally I have not found health care professionals to be any good whatsoever and some of them are narcissists too. I trust myself, I trust God and I trust my animals which is enough for me. God Bless You All.

Your life story is the saddest story I have ever read. I just want to say to you that I am very very sorry for what you went thru and are still going thru. May God Bless you and if you need a friend you will always have a friend in me.

I'm very sorry...genuinely sorry . The only thing I can suggest to you is that your mother was obviously mentally disturbed and you sadly were the recipient of her insanity.. I don't know if you believe in God but I do and after reading your story, I ttruly believe no one could have survived what you have without Him and his unwavering love. May God continue to protect you and grant you the peace and love that all of Gods children deserve and you my dear are one of his most special ones.

God bless you!!!!! :)

Marti

I sympathize with your pain and wish you a better year. Furthermore, I identify with some of the abuse, neglect and abandonment you talk about.

May I suggest the most helpful resource I have ever found in my whole life. It's a free non-profit website put out by this retired 74 year old therapist which proposes some fairly different and cutting edge ideas which have begun healing in me that nothing else has helped.

This guy suggests that grown wounded children pass on a cycle of inherited psychological wounds (A normal fragmented personality, excessive shame and guilt, reality distortions, excessive fear, trust issues, and trouble bonding/empathizing) to their kids (Through neglect, abuse, and abandonment), and unawareness of this and the cycle leads to a continuation. This material has allowed me both to reawaken emotionally and experience anger, but also have more compassion for my family.

Best of luck to you and Goddess Bless.
Chris
http://sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm

Zealandia, I hear you and I understand your pain. I am sorry you went through all that. I have been through similar situations. It has been difficult but I refused to be stomped, hurt, and used. It is difficult but you and I are both worthy of having a happy and healthy life.

Oh my goodness, you suffered horrendous abuse. I'm tearing up, just digesting it all. You turned your life around and brought up your children with love, despite your experiences. Bravo xxx

Oh...dear. And I thought my situation is bad. I would be considered mild by this. Still please understand. I am almost 14, and have been adopted. She has never said anything about not wishing I was around. However, she alternates from being a screaming, hitting, belittling harpy, to a warm lowing mother. It is hard for me to accept her as my mother sometimes because she has called me stupid, an idiot, compares me to my best friend (and yes I have told her about it and she thinks it is rubbish), hits me on the head, never apologizes for being in the wrong, says she wants me to talk to her about how I feel, and I do, but when it is over, she goes and complains that she wasted x many minutes. She says she is a homeschooling parent, and yet I do almost all the teaching for myself. I don't really have a mother as a teacher, I have the text books instead. She has forced me to move around the world regardless of the fact that I have been very vocal about it. She says she can't stand me, and when I stay out of her way and stay in my room, she complains that I don't spend time with her? What now? I don't hate her, I am just confused, aggravated and hurt. Regardless of how much she hits, screams, and complains, she is still my mother, and family sticks together.

I understand. I was absolutely hated by my mom when I was having to live with her, my dad, and my brother. She said that she wished I had never been born, and that her life would be bettwer without me. I have never been able to relate to other women for the same reasons as you. Relationships are difficult, and I'd rather be by myself than interact with anyone. Emotional problems and PTSD from an abusive relationship with a jekyll/hyde man. I can only deduce that my mother was abused at home. I don't know, but I do know that my grandmother was abused. My mother told me this. Praying for you....

I can relate, although my experiences are a little different. A lot is the same. I'm sorry for what you've gone through your life. My mother too was/ is a lot like that towards me. I should have never been born, but I was and she made me pay for that my whole life, even now. I hope things will someday be better for you. Maybe some day your mom will feel bad for the way she treated you. Don't know.

Dear fellow children,

Where was everyone who should have cared? I have often wondered. I have, for years , believed it was only me and my sisters who had experienced emotional abuse from our so called mother.

I am 47 and my sisters are 46 and 41. My youngest sister and I are both academics ( lecturers in health) My middle sister lives far away and has had numerous professional type jobs.

In conversation today with my youngest sister we decided to look for research on this topic and if any articles existed. So far we have not found any academic research. I did however find your site. It was manna from heaven and validation of our experiences.

I will start our childhood life. I have chosen to do this in list form as as at this time it is the only way I can chronicle it without giving in to emotion.

1. Described often as a "bad baby" apparently I cried so much our GP had to give me cream for my "sore" eyes

2.Suitcase packed with my clothes and telephone call made in my presence to "the bad girls home" to come and get me. Age 3 ( she was phoning the "talking clock") !!!! This occurred many times

3.Enrolled in fee paying nursery as my stay at home mother claimed I was "bad" Age 3

4.Had to make my own way to school, half mile walk, and stand at bus terminus, alight bus, pay fare and get off at correct stop. Age 5

5.Returned home from school one afternoon to hear my baby sister screaming. Told by my mother not to go into her room.The hoover was plugged in and running outside her door to drown out the noise. I was worried and entered her room to find a very red, distressed baby in a dismantled cot, trying to reach out but her feet were caught in the wire base. I removed her with great struggle and was taunted from my mother saying she had jumped so hard in her cot that she broken it so that was where she would stay. Age 6

6.Mother moaning aloud and screaming, making " mooing " noises on the floor claiming she was ill and about to die. Age 6

7.Mother barricading herself in her bedroom, back to door and crying , wailing loudly and shouting abuse at us and telling my father through the door that he had to make up his mind..... " it's them or me, they either go in a home or I leave". Age 7 onwards

8.Numerous admissions to hospital with a "fatal illness". She is still alive. Age 7 onwards to this day.

9.Deliberately being kept hungry as she was not cooking for ungrateful children . Age 7 onwards

10.House moves every 2 years between birth and age 10. These houses were in the same city and were bought with a mortgage. She wanted bigger and better. Only my father worked.The houses were never good enough for her despite being in middle class areas.This involved enrolling in new schools. 3 primary schools in total

11. We all had to return from school to home every lunch time including my father from work
This meant we had to travel home by bus, a 20 minute journey and a 10 minute walk.Sometimes she was still in bed, the house in darkness and no lunch. She sometimes used this time to rant and read her "riot act". My father usually drove us back to school but this was not a given so on these days we were late back and into trouble by the teachers.Age 7 till 12

12.Whilst getting my baby sister ready for nursery she "rammed" her sock onto her foot. My sister was 3 years old. She was balanced on one foot , holding onto a drawer handle.There was a small heater between her and the drawers. My mother pushed her so hard that she fell over and fell onto the heater. My mother left her there and I jumped out of bed to get her off.My sister had bad burns to her bottom that needed A&E treatment and many visits to the hospital for dressing changes. Age 9

The above list does not describe the fear, anxiety and insecurity I felt during these times. I constantly thought I was to be put away in a home and spent later childhood looking and planning for places to stay.My list is endless, I was only able to share a part of my childhood
with you. It does not include the smacks, slaps, pushes and thumps around her kitchen. It does not include my witnessing her hurt and harm my baby sister. It does not include my fathers total lack of assertiveness in defending his children.It does not include her mocks , taunts and discrimination of any friends I managed to make. It does not describe her hold over us until recently. I and my youngest sister do not keep contact but that is her doing as she has told us she does not want anything to do with us. It has been amazingly uplifting and liberating.

What I find amazing is that nobody, not one single person ever asked what was happening.
To the outside world we were 3 perfect little girls from a respectable middle class family.
There is so much more to my awful story but we are here today as very happy healthy adults and mostly we all have each other as sisters.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading this snip into my childhood.I have taken my inner childs hand and helped her to write this at last.

Bevanna

This story makes me so angry. I'm so sorry you had to endure this. I think you are on the right track to healing. Finding a way to be heard is so important as so often the family invalidates what the victim has experienced, further victimising the victim. I think with time, talk and determination you will be able to recover, or at least put a cap on your wound. To recover, you must continue to be brave and bold, and reclaim what was meant to be yours. Take small steps, and stick to your convictions. You know what happened and don't let anyone else make you believe otherwise.
Don't be too hard on yourself and don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it by now. It's a personal journey, and one that you never asked to take.
May God bless you in your recovery.

I can definitely see similarities between my mum and yours. Forever with the insults and the mean words. Every single day. I'm so sick and tired of it all, but for now I'm just telling myself to hang in there, and when this is all over I will move far, far, away and never come back. It's not even that I don't try to reason it out with her, but she doesn't listen to reason. And when she knows that I'm right, she resorts to physical abuse to prove her superiority. I still remember the time she flung an actual kitchen knife at me (I ducked). Worse still, my dad agrees with her, and my sis is only ever capable of chucking in caustic comments (towards me) of her own. But at least I have supportive friends who are willing to listen and curse my parents along with me. And they dislike my sister too, which is a relief (I used to think that I was the only one who hated her). You're incredibly brave, to put out your story like this for everyone to see. You can certainly articulate well (: Thank you for showing me that I'm not facing such abuse alone (:

My mother hates me.When I was a teenager,I tried to kill myself and was not allowed to tell anyone-I had to say that I'd had a stomach upset.No-one asked what the reason was.The family doctor only asked how many aspirin I'd taken.I pretended that I didn't know.In fact it was 32.There was no counselling at all.If there had been,I would have said that she hated me and I couldn't stand her treatment of me anymore.An Aunt took me aside ,when I was25 and said that if she spoke to her daughters the way she spoke to me they would tell her to 'sod off'.I have tried to understand why she hates me but the only reason I can think of is that I look like my Father.I used to think he was OK but I realised that he allowed her to be so horrible to me and did nothing.When I got married,on the morning of my wedding,she said she 'Thanked God that they were no longer responsible for me!'She is now 85 and I wish she would die soon.'As she has been ill,I have gone up to help her for a week at a time[I live 200 miles away].According to my sister,who is the favourite and also hates me,that is useless.I know hatred is wrong but I hate my mother.and my sister.They are both bullies and I would be thrilled if the two of them dropped dead.My sister is jealous of me because I am academic and she is not.I have never put her down but she tells me all the time that'people with degrees are stupid'.I have had such a bad life because of my mother and now my sister that I would welcome an early death.

I am disabled and I was adopted by a so called lovely couple but when the father was not around the mother treated me like a servant and said that my disability was put on I have cfs arthritis since I was five and was made to sleep in a cold room with icicles on the inside of the window she would not put the heating on when the father was not in even if there was snow on the ground she called me useless and I will beat that disability out of you jan in england

Hi,I like to say thank you for sharing your story,mine is a bit different as to the abuse and result is close to similar.
I am that way today and don't know how to get better for my family. I'm currently seeing a doc. Who seems to have given up almost and lost as to how he can help me. I'm not so bright as you may be,never had direction or goals.

It takes so many years to overcome the abuse you suffered, but it will be overcome. I read a book by Dr Susan Forward called "Toxic Parents" that helped me understand my own experience, similar to yours. No siblings. My parents never wanted kids, and told me so. You do what you have to to get by.

Just read your post, and already more than ten thousand people have read your story. It is so similar to my own. I was wondering if your siblings ever took notice of the fact that you were treated differently and confronted your mother about it when you were older or if everyone pretends like you are just oversensitive? That was my experience, although I only have one sister. I think that it was difficult for her to wrestle with the fact that I was treated so differently than she was. She wears rosy glasses and always tells me I make a big issue out of stuff that I should just let go. I live in another country now, far away from them all. I am 48 years old.

Hi thanks for replying. Nobody has confronted her. I have in the past talked about it at length with the sister who's closest in age. She has said she noticed things growing up and felt sorry for me. But my oldest sister tries to deny it, that it wasn't so bad, but she hasn't lived MY life, or felt how I felt growing up. She's kind of oblivious to it all. I rarely see them now as we live in different countries. The sister that talked about it with me over the years, would say to "let it go, put it behind you". But that's actually counterproductive. My therapist always told me that these emotions and hurt needs to be talked about and worked through in a therapist setting (not so much outside of counselling). So I see what you mean when people say to "just let it go", that's crap. It wasn't until my oldest kids left home and I finished my university study, that the depression hit me deeply and all this stuff I'd buried for so long came out, in the form of depression first of all, and I still suffer high anxiety about a lot of things, esp social situations.

My mother is verbally abusive. I am 33 and have had my mom call me things like *****, fat *****, stupid ***** and basically just put down as long as I could remember. I think that her hatefulness stems from being abandoned by her mother when she was a yr old. She just left her and her 2 yr old sister in their house and fled to the city with her 2 daughters from a previous relationship. I have always wanted the close connection with her that I saw with my friends and their mothers but at this point I know it better to let it go. I have emotional scars that makes it hard for me to have a healthy relationship. Im overly aggressive in speech and very argumentative. I know this is because I have always been talked over and have a fear off being tuned out and made to feel less than. Never have I thought of killing myself but I would like to move far away. I love my mother because she raised me and didnt abandon me but I strongly dislike her because she has made my life a living hell for so long.

Looks like the cycle repeating itself. Unlike you, I'm very withdrawn and passive a lot of the time, people always comment how quiet I am. However, when not around people I know I swear a lot of the time (I do try to curb it though), say angry things in my car at stupid drivers, etc. I am "argumentative" with people in my head, but am not usually able to express it. I never felt suicidal until I was in my deepest depression and realised. Im very self destructive in various ways, I fit all the descriptions of BPD Borderline Personality Disorder.

Your story is like my life story I love you have the courage. I don't have the streath you have. I have no education and two kids. I'm 28 right know but life lessons have aged me. Plus I don't know how to keep friends or be social. I don't know you but I love you. You have stopped me from going something stupid.
.

Thanks for your comment. At 28 you are still fairly young, you can take small steps at a time to try to create a better life. I know it is not easy, I still am struggling in so many things including acceptance of myself and who I am. I still feel like a failure, although others might say how far I have come, I still feel like I'm nothing. We can all try to support those of us who are in need.

As a mother of a 3 year old daughter your post broke my heart. I know my mother was not the most loving mother but I do not remember if she was abusive as I have blocked everything out from my childhood and can remember very little. The only way I know maybe what she was like was the little voice I hear in my head and the behavior I see from myself to my sweet little girl. I am stricken by how affected you are even as an adult by the one person who was supposed to be the most loving to you. I am sorry for your past but I am hopeful that you can break the cycle and be THAT much more loving and THAT much more aware of your own negative thoughts and behaviors and THAT much more of a stellar mom/friend/sister/mentor to others because you are keenly aware of what rejection, pain and heartache feel like and you can be the salve to help other people.

Thanks for responding. I do check in from time to time. I have an almost 3yr old now (my other 2 are adults now), and I'm doing my utmost to give her a good enough life and be the best mom that I can. I'm thankful that I'm able to put her in daycare, where she is around other people because I know I can never be perfect, I don't have all the skills or the life circumstances and she has llearnt a lot that I haven't been able to teach her as yet. They say it takes a village to bring up a child. Well I don't want my own family around her, and they live far away anyway.

I find my brokenness has given me more compassion. <br />
I do wish I had more confidence in my abilities, or acceptance in my lack of perfection. I wonder why we tend to be so harsh on ourselves when from an abusive or neglectful childhood, I think that "I never learned to build a celebration of my own voice, opionions, abilities, etc" Why parents need to be involved in their children's activities and then celebrate those successes and even sooth those failures, we learn to take the both in stride. Also when a child is acquainted with social activities, they learn to feel comfortable in groups that are intimate, etc. <br />
<br />
I think because my own mother was IS and STILL 100% controlling, abusive, negative, it causes me to regress and the old feelings (in my body so deeply ingrained) tend to rise up and cause me to feel: POWERLESS, unimportant, not valued, etc.<br />
<br />
I hope that our uncovering the la<x>yers of understanding helps us to heal and UNDERSTAND why we are broken.<br />
<br />
We are all a little cracked, like an old tea cup--a tiny crack in the ba<x>se doesnt have to render it useless, it's a beautiful delicate useful and amazing piece of vessel.

I know that I have a lot of compassion in certain situations, for certain kinds of people. But in a lot of other ways I don't. I have compassion for people like myself, for broken people, people who just need a bit of love and care, for animals as well. But at other times I find it hard to feel the same for people who have had it easy and seemingly have it all, and still complain etc.

I can be extremely hard on myself, and at my worst I'm very self destructive, and have a lot of self hatred sometimes.

My mother is barely in my life now. It was sooo strange when last year she phoned me for the first time in approx 4-5 years, when she's had my number all this time. The last time before that was in 2008 when I was going through a most horrible break up (that my sister blabbed about to everyone else), my mother rang me, and I didn't even recognise her voice, I had no clue who it was at first, it was like someone claimed to know me but I didn't click whatsoever for the first few sentences. What I do remember that during the entire call, she sounded like she was gloating/smiling, she was trying to sound all concerned about me with her choice of words, but in actual fact she sounded quite pleased. Not sure if that makes sense, but that's how she came across. Like you can tell when someone doesn't mean what they say, by the tone in how they say it.

I do not really wish to speak to her. On my birthday recently, I got an email from her in the morning that she would ring "for my birthday". Growing up, that ONE day of the year was the only day that she EVER treated me how she should (no hugs and kisses of course, what I mean is no emotional abuse, and got a small amount of attention, SOME years). I replied her email straight away and said it's probably easiest to reach me in the evening (as I had stuff planned during the daytime where I couldnt answer my phone). But she/they never rang. Then a few days later she did try to call (from a blocked nr) but I didn't answer it. I mean, it's too late, if you can't call when you say you will (like the second time since 2008) then forget it, it's not my birthday anymore anyway. I'm just past caring trying to pretend she's my mother, when she means NOTHING to me.

it's interesting how survivors vary in the their abilities to thrive after an emotionally abusive childhood, and otherwise. Some who have endured horrendous abuse have oftentimes grew to be beautiful contributing human beings, and some of us are left so scarred, we find it hard to have confidence in the world--and oftentimes this is where poverty comes from in today's world. <br />
I was on the "other end of the spectrum" as far as surviving; I learned to love myself, honor myself, have healthy relationships and even earned a college degree, but I find that I do have aloofness from social groups and tend to become introverted when times are rough. I do seek counseling too though.<br />
No one knows why some survive better than others.<br />
I think for me it was those saving graces in my life: a nice neighbor; a sibling's love; a teacher, etc.<br />
I am sad for those who use their childhood for an excuse and wish they would try harder to change the cycle for their own children. My own children were a compass in my life and it led me forward......<br />
love is a powerful thing

You are a great survivor. Although God allows free will, His heart must have broken for you. You can help others and that will go a good way to healing. You raised kids you didn't abandon. You are a hero. God bless you. I'll be praying that this part of your life upcoming represents your blossoming.

My mother's crushing expectations of what her daughter should be has made me who I am. I may have a low self esteem, and have an idealistic goal of perfection, but that kind of motivation though unhealthy is useful. So although my mother instilled me with a sense of nothingness, I can't be mad, she wanted me to better because she believed she wasn't. She made me who I am. The memories aren't pleasant, but she did the best she could by me. And at sixteen even my electives are college level let alone core classes. Without the the lack of motherly bond, without my sense of 'nothing' I would be nothing to people who need me, I would not have the mind to tell people their wonderful, I would not have the drive to be a psychologist and help people. So maybe I'm never good enough, maybe I can't function like other girls, maybe I can't love who I am, or ever accept a compliment but at least I learned to try. I learned to strive for perfection. I learned to be the golden child. And, I guess I should thank her for that. She was young when she had me, I pretty much ruined both my parents lives, or at least that's what my dad thinks.My raising is understandable. My mother is a good mother. She loves me, and until I'm a mother there's no room to criticize. Mental abuse can be good, at least it wasn't so bad for me. I don't think I'd be me without the idea that nothing I will ever do is good enough, I'm not sure I'd work as hard. I love my Mommy, and I'm thankful she wasn't mean to me as your mother. I think you turned out pretty wonderful, you could have given up. You didn't and that is worthy. You are worthy, and even if you don't know it the people around you know it. You didn't deserve to be isolated. And, I think if you stepped out of your comfort level it might help. I did the same thing when I was little, wouldn't make real friends, trust anybody. But, then I guess I realized, if they don't like me then what do I have to lose. If I'm not good enough at least I tried to connect. Don't do to yourself what your mother did to you. Because, if you got to know people and they got to know you, I'm sure they'd love you. But, then what do I know, I'm only sixteen. I hope you believe more in who you are, and I admire you, you are strong. It gives me hope that maybe I can be good enough too. Thank you for sharing your story.

how are you know? how are things with your mother? have you been able to distance yourself?

I wrote my story about 3 years ago now, and check in here from time to time and read the messages people have left me. I have very limited contact with my mother. I only have contact because of my father (who is now getting on in his years). They are still together. I have difficulty going to visit them because I cannot handle how I feel when I go back there. Even though it is a different house and different city. Luckily they live 3 hours drive away. The very few times I've gone to visit (once a year or less), the memories come back, it's like going back in time and I feel like that hurt and lost child again. And she is still the same. Maybe not as intense as during my upbringing, but her subtle ways and vibes towards me that she gives out, I don't need to put up with that, you know.

thank-you for telling your story. Your not alone. I, too was emotionally abused by my mother and bear the scars of it. I live my life and am pretty happy but I do tend to isolate myself and have some trouble socialising, I guess it comes from being put down a lot and not having the guidance and care that we needed as we grew up. I guess we need to keep affirming ourselves each day and think what incredible women we are to have survived such an ordeal. <br />
Your story is so encouraging to me in the fact that I'm not alone either.

Hello, I never connected my isolating myself with a low self worth, interesting as I do tend to isolate myself even more as I grow older, especially after I became injured and became disabled--I am ashamed I can no longer work a traditional job. We do need that guidance growing up where our parent lead us in activities in the community, with family, church, etc..we learn to find our place in the world. And we learn to feel more comfortable in our own skin. My own mother, sadly, does not have even one friend to speak of. She cuts people down, and cuts them down, and lords over them when people are around. It’s sad to me she cannot keep a relationship as it puts a sad burden on her children--we tend to feel sorry for her being alone, yet when we go near her she literally drives us away with cruel words, controlling, and even saying to leave her alone. I have been able to avoid that with my own children, but I still see the effects of not being loved as a child. When I lost my dear companion this April (he died) i have become even more isolated, he was my mentor, father/mother figure and boyfriend all in one...I Miss him and know that his level of character is rare and so I may spend my life now alone.
I do also see myself as a survivor, too though....
I was able to complete a 4 year degree at the age of 42 and have had very fulfilling friendships and great kinship with my grown children, I DO think of becoming a grief counselor though so I can assist others in their journey. LIfe is not easy for those who were neglected and abused--but we can thrive and learn to love ourselves and others, as long as we are open to healing...
and forgiveness
but it’s alway there, somewhere

Dear Zealandia--<br />
<br />
It’s good to get that all out. It’s not good for people to expect us to forget the things that hurt us and may still hurt us, why a counselor is good too,--we can also learn to move beyond that hurt while still honoring your pain and experiences<br />
<br />
Blessings,

Dear Beautiful and Worthy to Be Loved.<br />
I too was abused, neglected, and to this day at my ripe old age of 49, she continues to abuse me, has even hit on me. I have had to finally remove her from my life. I have healed for the most part due to counseling and loving friends that “give us the childhood we deserved and should of had to develop correctly”. I had a wonderful friend, my former professor who doted on me, APPRECIATED ME IN THE TRUE SENSE OF EVERY WORD. I realize now that he has passed away, that he actually loved me so much that it healed me for the most part. I will prob always have feelings of low self confidence, but I can know in my heart of hearts--that I am lovable, beautiful and worthy to be loved. I don’t need a man, or a relatiionship to give me worth. Just by pure virtue of being a child of GOD, I am worthy and perfect just as I am. God wanted me to be here on this earth and although some of us seem to fight the forces of darkness to get well and get where we need to be--we will get there! ( Oprah said when she realized, fully INTERNALIZED "SHE WAS GOD’s CHILD, she knew she was somebody”--she grew out of abusive relatiionships with men.<br />
<br />
I read how you even had a baby as a teen, I did the same thing! now that I look back on that, I believe, truly, "I was creating the happy family and secure family that I always wanted”. I was taking charge of my own life, even in this rudementary way, I was doing my best--and best of all, I was DOING IT!<br />
<br />
A counselor who had a unloving mother too, told me to nurture myself with other women’s appreciation of me, that they could be “mother figures”, I didnt’ need to call them MOM, but I could accept their love and appreciation (TRUE SENSE OF THE WORLD: NON JUDGMENT, BUT ACCEPTANCE). When we allow oursleves to be “loved” and appreciated by othes we are begining our healing. And for me, it has felt great. I have also learned from a powerful book I read--very simple but powerful effect on me with this healing part of my childhood and my "child within”, the book is called, “HEALING THE CHILD WITHIN” You can find it at Amazon, etc and it’s about $5 book, but it was huge for me! <br />
I learned to nurture, love, accept, forgive, encourage and rescue myself!<br />
I in a sense, “Went back to my childhood and took that little girl by the hand and brought her to the future and begin to love her and accept her and forgive her and forgive others too” this healed me, step by step. I now always love and protect my child within: the wonderself, the childself, the creative self, the loving self, the complete self, the deserving self--all were me and I was taking care of HER/ME! <br />
I no longer allow my mother to abuse me and be around me (too long anyway) because I will be mother and love myself. I have to protect myself from her and all abusive. <br />
<br />
YOU are beautiful! special and your life is TOO PRECIOUS TO ALLOW YOUR PAST OR YOUR HURTS TO HAVE ANY MORE POWER OF YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW!<br />
I am not saying to FORGET IT, but I am saying FORGIVE --Dr Phils says when we forgive we are not letting them go for the hurt they caused us, but we we ARE STOPPING THE POWER IT HAS OVER US AND WE LET IT GO. You then begin to live a new life of joy, peace, forgiveness and renewal. YOU have a life to live! NO ONE is worth you wasting anytime being unappy, it does not PUNISH them, it PUNISHES YOU!!!<br />
<br />
Celebrate your child within, RESEARCH THIS CONCEPT; READ ABOUT IT ONLINE<br />
Forgive yourself and others<br />
laugh at your self and let our little faults go, we are all human, I have many! LOL<br />
I have learned to love myself so much that even with extra lb’s on, or getting older, I still think I am beautiful! We all are! GOD made me is masterpiece and I am worth living for.<br />
Be creative<br />
Take risk<br />
remind yourelf that when you regress some when thinking of your mother, or when someone hurts you again, regress for a minute, then you’ll bounce right back to your LOVING NURTURING CHILD LIKE SELF.<br />
<br />
Jesus said, “Suffer the little children to come unto me, for such is the kingdom of God”. and “Unless one comes as a little child with childlike faith, he is not worthy” We need to see ourselves as children of GOD! We can have faith again and learn to be happy and evne when we fail, or lose, let down --we can know that in spite of all the external things in life---we are beautiful and worthy of GOD”S LOVE! His love endureth forever! He is forever our father in heaven and no mater what love and accepts us ba<x>sed on that we are made in HIS IMAGE and we all have these terrible traumas (differrent levels and forms)but these things do NOT DEFINE US! It’s how we love ourselves and use our hurt to have mor e compassion and understanding for others--then we learn to fully love ourselvs and other. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO NOT ADORE YOUR CHILD WITHIN <br />
<br />
its okay to be the parent self, the critical self, and the protective self, but ALWAYS KEEP IN MIND THAT YOU ARE FIRST AND FOREMOST A PRINCESS--A CHILD OF THE MOST HIGH GOD AND NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT, HE IS MY HEAVENLY FATHER AND I AM HIS CHILD AND I WILL LOVE MYSELF....<br />
<br />
NOTE: I was sexually abused too. It has taken me many yearst o fully love self but is great and it’s the best thing in the world to finally internalize my being here is part of Gods plan--he has me here to reach out to others and hopefully be a light to them too. <br />
<br />
Hugs and blessings, Vee, Colorade

I know exactly what your going through as far as being an out cast and having sever depression, last time I attempted to commit suicide was roughly 3wks ago. <br />
Shame on your mother and other family members for treating you like a stranger they should know better than that after all you all are immediate family. my mothers sister had to go through the same treatment and now suffers the same way you do. <br />
if you ever need someone to talk to please by all means feel free to message me and I will be more than happy to either chat or reply back :).<br />
You do have friends on ep which includes me.<br />
so please take good care of yourself, don't harm yourself because your children need you they would be devastated if they found out you some day committed suicide, And I'm pretty sure you don't want that on your conscious.<br />
So smile about your accomplishments and put as best as possible your past behind you I know that tough but for the sake of your own well being you need to forget about them and move on.<br />
*huggies*

Dear,<br />
Im so glad t read your whole story. I was in the same shoes as your, and my age now is 23 years old. The different is just my parent divorced when I was a toddler, and both remarried. My mum was taking care of me. Since she had a new child from the second marriage, she seem to ignore me.Not just ignore, she did the same thing to me as yours. I really hate my mum and wish that she could kill me when she found out that she was pregnant of me.

My mother has humiliated, mocked, threatened, emotionally abused me my entire life. She has neglected me and constantly tells me that I am a waste of her time and that I make her "sick to death." She has never once said anything nice to me or praised me for anything. She has never shown support for anything I've done or accomplished. She has failed, again and again to treat me like an actual human being instead of a piece of trash. She is constantly negative towards me, constantly berating me, constantly belittling my problems. She tells me I'm fat, ugly, my hair is ugly, other girls are so much prettier and skinnier than me and have nicer hair. But instead of hating her, I actually pity her. I pity that she has so much insecurity and hatred in her heart that she feels the need to take it out on her children and treat them like trash. I'm the oldest of three. Once, she told me she didn't love me and another time, she told me that my father didn't want me. Sometimes, she turns my dad against me and both my parents gang up against me. She mocks me, the things I say. She makes fun of my hobbies. I like making clothes and sewing and she is always mocking me about that. One time I wore a white t shirt for work and she was supposed to drive me to work but before she did, she made me throw away the shirt along with my debit card because she thought the shirt was ugly. Then she started mocking me, saying things like, "why don't you wear those clothes you make to work," and I was embarrassed and terrified and humiliated the entire time. I feel like words alone cannot describe and pain and misery she has inflicted on me. Because of her, I am unable to make friends or form relationships with anyone. Because of her, I am so scared of rejection that I have turned into a very judgmental person. I am terrified that I will end up like her when I grow up and I'm too scared to have kids because I don't want to end up treating them like my mother has treated me. The only good thing is that I will be out of the house in two months and I will never have to deal with her ever again. Sometimes I wish I had a more caring mother but I guess it's too late for that. I know not to take the things she says to heart but I can't help but take it personally anyways. It still stings and she doesn't know how much she hurts me. Truthfully, I don't think she cares either. I don't know if anyone will ever read this but I feel better getting it out.

You wont, you won't do this to your own children because you have already worried about it, thought about it, stressed about it these women don't have this kind of empathy they are bullies and only think about themselves. My mother was an extremely selfish drug addict who could be very nasty she used to tell me to hurry up and kill myself when I was cutting my wrists and called my sister scarface when she got assaulted. I still for some twisted reason love her and dobt wish anything bad, but I live for my son now and was lucky enough to find a wonderful husband because I believed the world had more to offer me. When you hold your child it will hurt that something so innocent and beautiful and helpless will trust and love you unconditionally that you wont be able to comprehend how your parents disregarded you. But it will also fill you up with more warmth and love and validation than you could ever imagine and you have a chance to re write the wrongs of the past and be the kind of parent you wish you had of had and you will make your own family to belong to and feel needed and cared for don't let them win buy sabboting your own happiness having children should be a priveladge and not a right.

you are not alone "secret nobody". I read your story. i am struggling with the same problems

I am sorry this happened to you, you did not deserve this, no one does. That being said, I feel like I am reading my own "story".....it is scary and sad and the pain never seems to go away....wish it would end. Best of luck to you.

We are survivors. I have finally at the age of 46 come to the realization of the damage my mother has caused in my life. I made the decision to isolate her from my family and life has never been better. It is hard to see the reality of the abuse when you keep it in your life but when you free yourself, you begin to put your own life together and realize you are a good person and have alot to offer the world. I just want to say it is good to hear your stories and know we are not alone. May a peaceful mind and spirit keep you all strong on this journey to self discovery.

I read to the end like a starving person at a buffet. My mother was an evil sister of several of you.<br />
I am the youngest of 7 seven, in an already bad marriage-family situation so I know I was disliked b/c another child only made all their problems worse. I was the singled out one, my mother did not involve herself in any aspect of my life. My older siblings joined groups, sports, and travel, I was always told "we don't have money for that" whenever I asked for anything ... but as others experienced, there was always money for my siblings sports uniforms, equipment, and fees.<br />
My parents divorced when I was 2 or 3 (no memories of him), he lived in the same town as us but never visited us, sent a bday/christmas card, or a phone call. I later learned my older siblings did have a relationship with him.<br />
I was ignored in the house on good days and bullied, terrorized by several siblings on other days. My own brother helped kids at school set me up to be humiliated. <br />
I was always searching for love, acceptance, and someone to take care of me in my early childhood. I remember clinging to kind teachers or friends parents like a lost puppy. <br />
My parents rejected me and my siblings hated, and abused me daily. I was belittled, and verbally abuse by all 7 of them. No one outsider saw it or came to my rescue like hoped someone would. I of course grew up hating myself, feeling insecure, no self worth, and have a hard time making/keeping friends. Co-workers don't usually include me in their clicks and I have learned it's best to keep to myself. I too feel like people automatically do not like me from the start.<br />
I feel as though I am stuck at 5 years old (at 49) and can not move forward in life until I get the basic life needs, love, acceptance, kindness, and encouragment. I could heal if even just one of them would come forward and say "it was a very disfunctional house, it wasn't your fault. You are a worthy person." <br />
Thank you all for sharing your stories and letting me know I'm not alone.

Thanks for sharing. I have had many conversations with one of my sisters about "the past" and talked to her about how I felt. She admits and agrees we were a dysfunctional family, but her saying that hasn't changed anything.

Like you, I feel as though I'm stuck at a certain childhood age (8-9?). I still have not got the basic needs in life like love, acceptance and kindness. Sometimes I'll get random act of kindness, but it was just from a stranger. I have come forward a little, but often revert back to where I started. I've come to accept that maybe I'll never heal.

I see it so much how my position in life was shaped by so so many things, and above all from the horrible start in life that set me up to fail at everything that I do. Ok I didn't fail everything, I succeeded at my university studies, but I did NOT succeed in my career and am not able to hold down a regular job for any length of time. So in reality I HAVE failed, if you know what I mean.

My self esteem is based on how others treat me. It is low when I feel like I'm not wanted and when the basic necessities in life are not met.

I will never be normal.

I'm so sorry that all that happened to you and has caused you to be so reclusive. I hope, more than anything that one day you are able to have some peace and some good ole' fashioned joy. I'm so sorry.

well, at least I am not alone, I am suffering a set down or some emotions take me back all the time, my self steam is zero! and I mean it. I had 3 diplomas from university back home, 2 as technologiest, one Bachelor Degree, all in business and HR. Now I live in Canada, for 12 years I have been living far from my "loving" mother, and all of you know what I mean. I went back last Christmas, just to realized she puts me down, every time. She finds me guilty of all her frustrations, all her bad decisions are one my back. She had a terrible marriage, of course I suffered all that, she tried to commit suicide 2 times, she said! If she wanted to kill herself.. she should be dead already. Sorry If I am too hard. I don.t hate her, I just don.t like her. She is soo poisoned. She demands everything, she doesn,t give anything. I had enough of her, I swored myself, not to see her. NEVER AGAIN!. Why we have to lift those heavy bags on our backs?, how to get rid of all the feelings, of insecurity, unwanteed.. lack of confidence.... I am isolating myself for sometime now. I am looking refugee in art, I am painting in oil and trying other techniques./ I tried for good jobs in Canada, but my lack of confidence don.t help me. I am going for anything now, just an operator.. any numb job, where I can at least make some money. I need to get out of my shell, but I find it very difficult, I have to support my mother, since she got a bad divorce and didn.t get anything after 25 years of marriage. I feel obligated, but I hate working harder just to send her money. I have to pay for everything she needs. And last week, she hang up on me. Now is demanding me for a cell phone, that I lost by accident on my last visit/ to her the money I sent is nothing, for me is a part time job, I have to deliver newspapers or something, just to have the $400 dollars she needs every month. I have 2 young kids, and a husband. He is a good person, very far from us all the time.. sometimes I think to live by myself just with the kids, but I don,t want to end like her. She is a horrible person, lack of love for her kids, and sisters. just wanted to write to./.. SOO WE ARE MANY I SUPPOSE. I AM 40ish, but I want to grow up on my sad feelings./ I suffer very much of downs. Isolated. I don,t like having friends anymore, I just like being around my kids and my painting.. I guess is not good, but people sofocate me. I have a nice face to put on when I met people, but after I hide, I don,t want to be contacted,.... bad ah!!! ok I think maybe all of us, should go to a professional, therapist... all of you.. have a good day today.!! just today!! always think about the present day. That helps me alot.!!

Hi there, Iv found through my life that reading has helped me through an awful lot so I have a couple of books I would like to suggest to you, there are many more out there which may help you also.. Positive women by Gail lindenfield, this should help you with your confidence.. Mean mothers by Peg Steep this really identifies many of the things you have experienced and will help you to feel better about yourself and finally Toxic parents by Susan forward.. Ugly by Constance Briscoe is also a very insightful book, sori just remembered another as it has a similar story line to yourself.. I would also suggest you try yoga and mediation, as this will make you feel stronger and help you to work through the trauma you have experienced in your life.. It is worthwhile having a teacher with the meditation, and you may find that for a while you will experience many blocked emotions and anger.. When I practised, and still do I for a while started counselling if you have not already tried it can be a painful process but with the right counsellor very cleansing.. I would also suggest to you that you start to treat Yourself to something nurturing once a month, whatever you can afford, a massage, a new haircut, a new outfit a day out somewhere to heal your inner child.. The best thing that you can do gradually is learn to live forward, start day by day working for the life that you would like for you and your daughter, I wish you much happiness and light in your life, remember that although you have been through many things in your life you are a worthy person, and do not settle for second best :-) Please do contact me if you wish to chat more about related experiences x

Hello, I.ll look at least one of the books you suggested, I like the way you write, I think your soul is in peace now. Good for you.! I have just one questio, you still are in touch with your mother?? Thanks for sharing experiences.

Hi there, I hope they help you.. I am happier than I have been in the past, so I suppose you could say that was peaceful, I have practised yoga and meditation and yoga for many years which helps keep me positive and strong. I also read alot which I find very useful, and I am working at myself all the time, that also means enjoying myself too! If you wish to chat more please don't hesitate to contact me.. Otherwise best wishes to you..

Oh my GOD!! This has to be the most heartbreaking story I have ever seen :(<br />
It makes my heart bleed and my blood boil! I don't even have adequate words at this point , Im so very sorry you had such a god forsaken childhood while mine was so blessed and full ! Why does God allow this to happen? One can only speculate ...atheists reason that "God is loving and lets babies suffer?<br />
" I dont know any answers. But this i can tell you i know for sure. Karma. People may think some get by with murder while others get offense records and blamed for the tiniest fault. But I believe w all my heart that what goes around eventually in the very end, comes around. ...

Before I came here I thought I was the most pitiful woman on earth, but now I realize that my story pales in comparison to what some of you have gone through. But let me tell you what happened to me. My parents are not that bad, because I am an only child and I know they loved me. I think their biggest faults are being ignorant about certain things, like having low EQ, being bad parents, naggers, etc. I am Asian and at 9 years old my parents left me to work in North America where they stayed for 5 years. I was left to relatives who neglected me, though they always sent me material things and money. The event traumatized me that I started receiving molestations from the spirit world, i.e. I was being sexually molested and harassed by demons and other dark spirits that manifested themselves inside my room. My family members attests to this because once my aunt said she felt the shivers when she entered my room. And without discussing anything with me my mother once asked an exorcist to come to the house when I was 15. Anyway I was listening to a lot of rock and roll because I felt rebellious and neglected and I think that satanic music attracted evil spirits to our house which was dirty and unkempt (it used to be spotless when my parents were around). I was often molested by unseen hands and had to fight off unseen sexual attackers. Later when my parents came back from north america when I was in my teens they started to abuse me emotionally verbally and physically because they could not understand why I was withdrawn and quiet and difficult to get along with, not knowing I had become that way because of neglect from relatives, spiritual harassment from dark spirits and because I felt like they abandoned me. My father always said I was rotten and good for nothing. He would hit me until I learned to fight back after being tired of being angry and afraid all the time. My grades were bad and I was being teased at school. Later when my father went away to work in the middle east I showed remarkable recovery and won prestigious awards at school and improved my looks. My father and mother would gang up on me. But when my father went away, I learned to deal with my nagging mother. <br />
<br />
Anyway all through life they remained negative and did not show support or verbal affirmation of me. The only good thing out of this is I know my parents loved me despite their weaknesses. But because they were bad parents nonetheless I grew up to have an inconsistent life with areas of success and failure interspersed in between. Now I am a single mom and I've had good relationships with married men, who were my exes and the worst relationships I had were with single men whom I had hoped to have serious relationships with. I've had thoughts of suicide and frustration and at best my life can be described as mediocre bordering on failure with snatches of brilliance.<br />
<br />
I can't sustain a job. I don't have good relationships with female managers. My best relationships with men were with unavailable married men. I've had many instances of abuse in the hands of men and have almost been gang raped. My boss took advantage of me and used me sexually and then fired me. I had a serious boyfriend who raped me in the outdoors. I've had frequent bouts of depression, and even if many people have complimented me on looks and abilities, I feel like I don't believe them or it's not important. My life is pretty much inconsistent.<br />
<br />
My disappointment with my father because he has let me down (we still don't speak much to this day and he mostly ignores me) has made me contemptuous of most men, and even though I don't want to be like that, it just turns out like that somehow.<br />
<br />
The reason why it's not completely bad for me is the fact that mentally I know my parents loved me, they just didn't know how to do it, and they were not skilled parents. They were egotistic, thinking always of what other people thought and did not care about how I felt. That's why I've had plenty failures too.<br />
<br />
But I've had lots of success. I've been told many times I'm an excellent teacher and writer, and I've published a book and acquired skills in finance too. I know anything is possible if we just direct what to focus on. For some it's harder I know. We need friends, support and the healing that only God can give.<br />
<br />
I'm a christian and I know God wants me to be healed out of this situation. I believe that our past doesn't have to dictate our future. We just need to not stop fighting.<br />
<br />
Thank you for sharing and if I could only reach out to some of you with such heartbreaking stories, I want to pray for you and be your friend. God loves you and he creates miracles. I've seen many miracles in my life and I won't stop believing in them even when I'm down and out.

My mother's abuse/neglect is the insidious kind. I was the oldest of 3 and had health issues from birth. When my father left her (she was 27) I became the parent to my brothers and to her. I cleaned, cooked, babysat and supported her. I was 9. She worked and went out looking for her next husband. She was critical of everything I did. She was abusive in all ways. She blamed my father for everything. One of my brothers was total trouble and abusive. He was out of control, so he got much of her attention, but it was too late.<br />
<br />
I spent most of my life making excuses for her and protecting her. I moved out and tried to go to school but had trouble focusing, started partying and seeking attention from men. I did not realize how depressed I was.<br />
<br />
My mother moved to another town with a boyfriend( that she later married) when I was seventeen. She took my youngest brother, and basically left me and my brother ( who had his own set of issues. It was almost like she created her own little family that did not include us. Her husband eventually was well off, and they sent us money here and there, but we were rarely included as family. My youngest brother was totally indulged, spoiled rotten and treated like the chosen one. To this day, his behavior is deplorable, and his wife is a witch to everyone including my mother and husband, but no matter how horrible they are, they are indulged with major money, homes, cars, etc and inclusion. For a while my parents quit having holidays because sister -in-law was so horrible. They started back up a few years ago, but only include them as family. It is beyond hurtful. My little brother acts like my brother and I are the problem and like we are some kind of dangerous people and he needs to "protect" his children from us ( I raised the jerk a good bit of his life) Even his kids are emotionally abused by his wife. He thinks he is better than us and he is very greedy. He has been given millions and has never done one thing to help us, but worst of all he keeps the divide and conquer game going with my mom. He lives in the same state/town.<br />
<br />
People do not realize how hard it is to "rise above" and "move on". Every holiday, birthday, is just a reminder of how excluded we are. And that we are not worthy in their eyes. It affects the ability to have relationships (who wants to explain this family stuff) and people do judge you ba<x>sed on lack of coming from a normal family. Having to explain why you are not spending holidays with family or why your family is never around is also difficult. <br />
<br />
My mother and her husband set things up like this, created and supported my brother and his evil wife. And they wonder why no one gets along. My brother and his wife don't want any other siblings near, including my stepbrother. And this game has worked for them. They live like millionaires. The rest of us struggle. My stepbrother is given money to save face with my stepdads relatives. My stepdad treats him terrible besides the money. My bother and I have health issues that also affects our earning potential, and my mother will throw us a bone, acting like she is broke, while showering little brother and family with homes, private school, dance lessons, health insurance. She says that "stepdad made the money" and it is his choice. Little brother never held a job except ones that were given to him by stepdad. SIL has never worked.<br />
<br />
Some people should never be allowed to have children. I chose not to have children so there would be no chance of this. I am bothered by all of it, but my other brother is even more devastated by it. We have had a hard time functioning as independent, responsible adults.<br />
<br />
I feel so bad for others that have been abused. It can, and does, cause devastation, beyond the comprehension of anyone that has not experienced it.

That's quite a journey

Hi there, as the other posts advised you well done for you having the strength to carry on and achieve what you have done in your life.. I to had a difficultnchildhood, and have found reading a great help, I thought you may also find these book suggestions useful Mean Mothers, by Peg Steep and Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.. You don't have to buy them, if you go to your library they will order these things in for you.. The other thing that I have found useful in my life is yoga and meditation, I learnt myself from books, you don't have to spend a long time doing it either, just once a week.. I found that this helped me open up more to people and be more comfortable with myself.. There are some good confidence building books out there too, gael lindenfield is a good author and Susan jeffers x Don' t expect too much of urself, just try these things and just remember that it's nit your fault what happened to you, as I know how it feels x My mother also did the same to me and it can unconsciously effect your confidence.. Something else that helped me was that a counsellor told me to go easy on myself and accept that I was never going to be 100% confident. Because the childhood I experienced has left scars, but to be accepting of myself as I am,I am not perfect, and neither is anyone else.. Just remember your good points, this may be hard in the beginning as you may not have a good feeling about urself because of what you'v gone through, but I bet you have many.. Remember all the good things people have told you about yourself then add to it.. I have one for you, that has already been said in another post that you are strong resilient and a survivor.. You are obviously intelligent too as you have completed your studies through all of that :-) Don't allow your Mother the satisfaction of continuing to hurt you as an adult.. You can change your life as you have already began to do.. I wish you the energy and confidence to move forward x Finally, you may not be interested in this and please note that I am not particularly religious, but I have found my own spirituality, this may not be a church, but there are many kinds out there worth reading about.. Oh and one last thing life doesn't have to be all work and no play so nurture the child within and have some fun now and again, again this was advised to me by a counsellor, and I am getting better at doing it now.. Figure out what you like and have some more of it x Finally I wish you all the best

Here is the short version of my story. I was an extremely late-term abortion that survived, much to the disgust of my mother. I dismissed her at 41 and she is still wondering why five years later. WTF?

well i am fourty five <br />
have a 24 year old and a 16 year old<br />
<br />
we just want to live on a 125 thousand dollar farm<br />
make fifty grand a year<br />
and live a simple life in canada<br />
<br />
but where is the woman that can JUST let go of all that past crap<br />
and believe a good man I dont drink I dont smoke I dont do drugs<br />
I like a good movie even the romantic comedies<br />
my daughter is a farmily person and so is my son<br />
<br />
they will be 25 and 17 my daughter grew up without a mother<br />
<br />
as i raised four children alone for 16 years and who gave a HOOT <br />
NO ONE<br />
I am fourty five I have no friends I have no family and my son and daughter are in the same boat<br />
<br />
we would give anything for a good woman that just wants one man one marriage<br />
for one life time<br />
but woman today are to busy looking behind or ahead instead of today<br />
<br />
grab ahold of today grab ahold of NOW<br />
<br />
love someone today trust someone today I may be a man<br />
but i am sick of being alone too there is good money in farming <br />
and organic pasture fed beef farm is relaxed and family ba<x>sed<br />
it is nice for a family of four of five to work together have your own eggs milk<br />
butter meat cheese and not have someone to tell you want to do all the time<br />
<br />
america and canada are broke and we are going into a depression<br />
and most people are to asleep to see whats happening <br />
<br />
i may be fourty five but it makes me sick it makes me cry singledad of two in ontario canada 519 347 2376

I am very touched by your story, and want you to know something even though I dont know you I feel that I do. You are a great person and I beleive in you and so does God take a step back and see what God sees in you, you are perfect in his way and you are a true treasure waiting to be discovered. I would be honored to be your friend I want to encourage you to be all that you can be you see true love is unconditional it loves you no matter what. Loving someone should add to your life not take away from it. If you ever need a friend look me up on facebook dean bickmore. <br />
<br />
Take care and God bless Dean.

As a child we are living the abuse.. but as an adult we have to let go of it... It is no longer yours, you have already survived it so you have no business carrying it with you now... The fact that you have educated yourself and raised your children shows that you didn't let it stop you... sometimes the obsession to define our selves as a victim of circumstance lives on long after the actual consequences of abuse... Someone once told me "to take offense to the offensive is a choice"... It's all a state of mind... Try looking at the strength you have and not dwelling on the reasons you choose to be... The past is done, never to be changed... Now it's your time to leave it in the past and live in the present... Quit feeling you need to excuse your flaws to everyone you meet by telling them what a messed up life you lived... Because you are the only who believes you are flawed..:o)

I think your mom and my mom are some how related...... I wish you the best of luck in your recovery and I hope that you find that love you deserve with in yourself before you try to find it with anyone else. I also am working on that issue due to an absent dad and an emotionally abusive mother, and am still struggling with it to this day, all I know is iv found love with God and even though I still am going through this abuse things are someday going to get better and what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

Thank you for sharing your story. You should be very proud that you continued your education, and were able to support your children. There are so many things in your story that mirrored my life with my mother. I am 42 now, my mom deprived me of food, making me eat on the floor as I was not good enough to eat at the table with everyone else. My mother is an alcoholic, and often uses that excuse for the ways I was treated as a child. I was deprived of clothing and food, and as an early teen, I worked pt jobs just to buy the necessities. My mom too deprived me of toilet paper, and would make me use newspaper, but everyone else was allowed to use it. They must have read the same book on how not to parent! I too have difficulty in relationships...friendships mostly. I usually end friendships before they dissapoint me, I guess it's a way of keeping control. I had several bad relationships, none lasting over six months, except for my husband, who I've been married to for fifteen years. He's the only person I can say I totally trust. I have two children, who I constantly doubt my mothering skills, and probably am overprotective of them, as I never want them to doubt that they weren't wanted as I have. I wonder if you still have any contact with her? I still have contact with my mom...and as an adult I think I still hope that she will say something postive about me, or at least give me a hug. I know it's pointless holding out hope, but for some reason I do. Three years ago, I sought counselling for something unrelated, and I ended up talking to her about my childhood. It's been a wonderful experience, and only this past year, can I say that I like who I am. I too suffered from depression for years. Sorry to say so much...I just want to let you know that you are not alone, and thank-you for sharing your story.

Thank you for sharing your story. You should be very proud that you continued your education, and were able to support your children. There are so many things in your story that mirrored my life with my mother. I am 42 now, my mom deprived me of food, making me eat on the floor as I was not good enough to eat at the table with everyone else. My mother is an alcoholic, and often uses that excuse for the ways I was treated as a child. I was deprived of clothing and food, and as an early teen, I worked pt jobs just to buy the necessities. My mom too deprived me of toilet paper, and would make me use newspaper, but everyone else was allowed to use it. They must have read the same book on how not to parent! I too have difficulty in relationships...friendships mostly. I usually end friendships before they dissapoint me, I guess it's a way of keeping control. I had several bad relationships, none lasting over six months, except for my husband, who I've been married to for fifteen years. He's the only person I can say I totally trust. I have two children, who I constantly doubt my mothering skills, and probably am overprotective of them, as I never want them to doubt that they weren't wanted as I have. I wonder if you still have any contact with her? I still have contact with my mom...and as an adult I think I still hope that she will say something postive about me, or at least give me a hug. I know it's pointless holding out hope, but for some reason I do. Three years ago, I sought counselling for something unrelated, and I ended up talking to her about my childhood. It's been a wonderful experience, and only this past year, can I say that I like who I am. I too suffered from depression for years. Sorry to say so much...I just want to let you know that you are not alone, and thank-you for sharing your story.

When I read your story it brought tears to my eyes because I can relate to a certain degree. My mother emotionally abused me as well! I was the oldest of two children. I have a younger brother and my mother treated him differently than she did me. For as long as I can remember, my mother and I have always fought non-stop! My mom often belittled me and would tell all who would listen what a bad, unappreciative, mean-spirited, and selfish person I was. My mom has even called me the B-word...When I was a child! My mom would accuse me of doing things I didn't do. If I got in trouble she'd beat me more than she would my brother and if I got sick, she tended to blow me off unless it was something severe like an ear infection or pneumonia. And she justifies her abuse by saying I deserved because I wasn't "loving" towards her or the rest of the family, but the truth of the matter was I wasn't loving because I had withdrawn into myself because I associated love with pain and didn't want to feel pain like that. By the time I hit puberty I was depressed, insecure, and had self-esteem issues. I found comfort in junk food and of course gained a little weight and my would say that I'm chubby and couldn't wear pretty clothes like other girls my age were wearing and this would make me feel worse and I'd eat more. Luckily by the time I got to high school I got involved in sports and lost the excess weight but high school was even worse. I never invited my friends over to the house because I was afraid my mom would tell them lies about me and they wouldn't be my friends anymore. See my mom would tell other family members and her friends how lousy of a daughter I was etc etc etc. This has affected my life so bad that too this day I suffer from depression. I can't maintain steady relationships and I don't trust people easily. I have problems showing affection and I tend to get really defensive when I feel that I am being criticised. So to those of you who have gone through something similar, my heart goes to you and if you have children of your own, don't repeat the same behavior! I plan on seeing a therapist soon because I am in my thirties, have a child of my own, and I don't want my child growing up the same way I did!

My God, actually I want to post my story here but my english is poor. Thanks to your story as I can said that what you have experiences is similar to me. The differences are my age is 23 years old and I am the daughter from my mum first marriage and I've got 3 stepsibling from her second marriage (2 stepbrother and 1 stepsister). The way your mother treat you is very similar to the way my mum treat me.

I am terribly sorry about all that you went through. I am a 24 year old male working on his second bachelor's degree and have an emotionally abusive stepmother that came into my life after my mom died when I was 5. When reading your story, it felt too familiar. Some of the details might be different but you basically described my upbringing. Now I find it extremely hard to relate to anyone and choose to spend most of my time by myself. I have learned how to have social interactions but they feel forced as I can never get past the fact that I can't believe anyone would be interested in me. I'm not unattractive and girls regularly try talking to me but I always think they will treat me the same as she did.. so I never follow up... I am drowning in this emotional mess and no one knows. As a kid, my opinions didn't matter and were openly mocked. I learned to keep them to myself. As a guy, I don't think anyone would want to listen to my issues and I don't want to be seen as a wimp. I haven't had emotional support in such a long time I don't think that I would recognize it. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

Your story is very sad...I understand how you feel because I am almost forty and still dealing with a verbally abusive mother. I made so many sacrifices for her and she is never appreciative. I can't seem to find my way out. I am sorry you had such a difficult life. You sound like a beautiful person despite what you have been through. I hope that you find someone who treats you the way you should be treated.

my mom was abusive to me as a child but i let go of the past because you cannot fix the past every day i step outside i say hi to everyone i speak to people in the parks if someone is down i reach out because i remember when i was down and no one reached out what a bad feeling i dont want anyone to feel that its not a good feeling make yourself strong for your child then past the power to heal to others you are going to feel great and great things always happen to great people good luck!!!!

You are so loved and so worth it. Please know that.

Thank you for your story. <br />
I can relate.<br />
My mother was abusive to me in the same way and I thought I was alone in that experience. I also have a brother who was the apple in her eye.<br />
<br />
I was told my whole life that I was inferior because I was not a boy and he would get the best of everything and I would get the chores. He would throw a tantrum and I would have to clean up after him. She made me wash her clothes by hand in the bathtub and walk her dog at midnight (we lived in the inner city, a couple blocks from the nudie bars with the "wall to wall live naked girls") when I was something like 10. I had the distinct feeling that she enjoyed bad things happening to me.<br />
<br />
My father would beat the crap out of me from work rage (he had anger management issues) and my mother would protect my brother. He and my mother would have big fights and they would talk about custody of my brother. My brother and I always thought I would go to an orphanage a la Oliver Twist and I always thought that it wouldn't be that different.<br />
Later in his 70s, he admitted that he was a bad father, but my mother became an alcoholic (last 20 years) instead and he is her enabler. She never admitted to any wrong and made things up any time she was challenged and my father would say that she had a hard life when she was a teen. She actually got so low as to scam me for presc<x>ription pain killers when all she had to do was ask. I am almost at the point of stopping caring if she drank herself to death.<br />
Ironically my brother blew her off or berated her as much as possible (rage issue) while I felt responsible. He cites her treatment of me as the reason for disliking her and his therapist told him to avoid her.<br />
Both my brother and I married and had children. We had very different treatments but somehow we were both screwed up. He is on anti-depressants while I chose cognitive therapy instead. <br />
Somehow I became a fixer and I would find weird quirky people (some of them really cool, others abusive or asperger) and I would try to understand and fix them. I was doing Ok, making friends with strange but interesting people. I thought I was more or less healed until I had my daughter. Lacking a role model, I tried to emulate the local mothers.<br />
That was when I befriended a bad single mother (her husband walked out) who did the same things as my mother, such as smirking whenever something bad happened to me, seemed to be mad whenever I had good luck and was very competitive. I kept making excuses for her for years until we had a big fallout. Then I made friends with another one with anger management issue who would blow up at me over nothing.<br />
Now I am worried that I would be seeking out abusive mother substitutes everywhere, so I am emotionally hermetically sealed except with my daughter who is addicted to hugs and kisses.<br />
<br />
I understand your isolation as I work in a technical field and have almost no social life. Sympathy only leads to self-pitying and I did a lot of that in high school. I had suicide fantasies from age 5 (I tried to electrocute myself) to age 15 until I stopped living with my parents. I used to drink to oblivion in high school.<br />
I tried medication briefly but it just made me dull and sleepy. Therapy is good with a good therapist but they are all biased by their own experience.<br />
<br />
I tried vipassana meditation and it helps me feel better. It's too time consuming for me to do it daily right now, but I will put it here in case it helps someone who finds this.

thank you?! ..that is all i can mutter..but i want to say more. i am new here and i came here to make my "**** Pot"..a place to let out all my pain and anger at my Mother Dearest...never read a story (lack of better terms) in the same genre as mine. I can relate and I thank you. ~~~~~Thank YOU!!~~~~~~<br />
<br />
...sealed with a happy tear and tickle from my soul...

wow you are a very strong woman my mom treated me the same way but the difference was she treated my other siblings the same way I couldn't have gotten here without them I quit talkin to her at 18 and became addicted to meth because I moved in with the first guy I met because I was homeless and that is how he was he abused me tho so I left and moved in with another guy who I am still with I am paying my way through school and I really don't have anywhere else to go I really liked your story tho because it gives me the confidence that i can finish college and to not let my moms dream of me becoming a failure come true

Your story was amazing - you are obviously a very strong person. For the first several paragraphs I actually thought you were my sister. She is now 39 going on 40 and had almost the SAME upbringing as you. It was awful - the way by mother treated her. There is a term called 'scapegoat' which fits rather. She also slapped my sister a fair bit. Our father was abusive to all of us. I believe that the pregnancy - premarriage - led my mother to marry my father and she held it against my sister - who was the eldest. I also wonder about past life issues that are being worked through in this lifetime - perhaps your mother needed to have a chance this time round to treat you differently - and she has failed. One would have to do some reading up on this subject to have any understanding. Being motherless is so hard. You may think your sisters had it ok - but they do would of been brainwashed and shaped and be damaged by all this. I know I was - and now I grew up I feel pain for my sister and deep loss at what could of been. All the best. You can put this behind you and make the most of what you have now. Acceptance is a good thing.

wow. I just found your story through google. I am not alone, thank you for writting it.

Add me to our mothers could be sisters. I felt like I was reading my own story with just a little bit of differences. My mother died a horrible death and even though I felt bad for her suffering, I sometimes wonder if she is in hell. You are a very strong woman. A survivor.