Just Can't Trust Her
My mother has been verbally abusing me since I was very young. She still does it. You'd think that now we're both adults she would have learned to respect me as another human being. Nope. She's even more abusive now than before.
She's been telling me I was a loser and not good enough forever. When I was young I heard about how my cousins or the children of her friends were all so successful and look at me, I'm just so bad. I can't do this or that or she'll rub in my face my failures. Now there's no doubt that I'm a failure. I know this. She doesn't have to remind me every time I see her.
The worst is when she does this ritual in front of other people. Either her friends, my relatives or just strangers. Plus she uses experiences I have in her presence against me. Like one time I read an article about how these animals were injured and I cried. She happened to walk by and saw me. She wanted to know why I was in tears and I showed her the article. Two years later when I was invited to have dinner with my parents' friends, she brought it up. Right there in front of them while we were at the restaurant table. Her friends gave me a strange look. I felt so betrayed.
My mother is like Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hide. Sometimes she nice and friendly and without notice she switches into her I'm a loser mode. I can't figure out what flips that switch. Almost anything can set her off. It's like walking on egg shells around her. The tension is so thick, I've learned to keep quiet when I'm around her. I never know when I might say the wrong thing.
I never share anything about myself to her. I know she WILL use it against me someday. She rarely supports me on anything. Then she wonders why I don't want to spend any time with her. I never want anyone to know that my mother is even alive, because then they want to meet her. Then someone who once treated me with respect and kindness, will then disrespect and belittle me, just from spending a few minutes with her. She's like a disease.
I become a different person when I'm around her. Normally I'm goofy and playful. I like to smile and look at the positive side of things. Mostly because I'd rather laugh than cry. Though I'm not allowed to laugh in her presence or I'll be punished. I always have to hold it back, or she'll go to great lengths to make sure I'm NOT cheerful anymore. I've just learned it's better to hold it in than to spend the entire time with her stressed out.
My mother has taught me how to endure severe amounts of pain and hurt and not show it. I have an emotional callus. She can try to hurt me as much as she wants and nothing penetrates my barrier. I'm so proud of myself. I'm in control and it's irritating to her that it doesn't bother me. My ultimate revenge.