Can You Ever Get Your Mother Out of Your Head?

  MY STORY SPLIT WHEN I PRESSED SUBMIT.  SO PLEASE SCROLL DOWN TO READ IT FROM THE BEGINNING SO IT WILL MAKE SENSE!  

cont. from the bottom of the page.......With all the things my poor brain has been through I am truly surprised I am functional at all. All I know is there is a dominant, negative element that has influence the quality of my life as well as my brothers, my mother. As far as my father, I will always believe it was what came out of her mouth that aggravated his cancer for which caused his death.

To give you an idea of some of the type of things I had to mentally process all of my life was what my mother told me while my father was dying in the hospital with no more that 6 months to live. She said she did not want to be bothered with him at home because he would interfere with her projects she worked on in the house. She did not have to worry, he died 4 days after she told me. That was about 15 years ago.

I am writing on this sight because it has been less than a year that my mother lost most of her emotional control of me. I want to share with people who understand that I am not trying to "blame" my mother for the problems I encountered all of my adult life because I can not accept responsibility for my own actions. I want to share with people who know that verbal abuse molds your thinking and not for the better. 

I want to visit this sight and continue to share. I will use it to relate the "short stories" I have lived. I know it won’t change anything. I do not know what I am expecting. It’s just that my mother has finally done something to me that I lost my love for her. Some how I felt "free". It was a very strange feeling, and yet very sad. Why now, with all that has happened?!

She is up in age, as verbally abusive as ever and needs my help. I hope being on this blog will help me keep things in perspective. If for no other reason so I can help an elderly women who has no one else to help her or really cares. THE END???? 

                                                                        IN THE BEGINNING  

I knew something was wrong with my mother when I was about 5. All of the memories I have are not all bad. That is what made growing up so hard and confusing. I had a smart mother who did some things that were not normal or rational. Besides some of her strange reasoning it was how she disciplined that effected my younger brother and me the most.

She believed in using the belt, buckle end, on all discipline occasions. I am not against some light physical punishment, but she was the kind that did not think it was hard enough unless she saw whelps. Sometimes she would get on this kick that she would hit you harder if you cried telling you to stop crying. But, as I know many of you know, it was her words, her mouth that did the most damage to the family and me.

I chose the name Epione because it is the Greek goddess of the soothing of pain. I have spent the last 40 years of my life trying to do just that.

It should be no surprise that I married a man who had a personality much like my mothers. It only lasted 6 years and ended when I was 36. The best thing that came out of knowing my husband was that this was when I started going to therapy. The beginning of a long and painful journey of "whose fault it is" that I was so messed up. Everything from a weak character flaw in my personality, to alcoholism, to my father’s family ("inherited it form his people" as my mother would say), to the people I associate with, to major depression, than finally bipolar B (that means you are more depressed than manic).

I have finally been given the right medicine and the last 5 years have had the most normal and content life I have ever experienced. I now know when someone is not treating me right; taking advantage of me I can tell him or her so. I am not perfect about this, but I can defend myself better than I have ever been able to do in the past.   YOU CAN GO BACK UP TO THE TOP NOW!